Monday, April 27, 2009

Rangers at Caps DCHS* (UGH!) - Canes DCHS* at Devils - both Game 7 Eastern Conference Quarterfinals - 7pm Tues. - April 28, 2009

Last week we were telling you cats how rough Rev. Timmy could be on flat screen TV's. Well it seems he's moved on to the even smaller, more innocent and more defenseless variety: the iPhone touch screen.

If you are an intern here at The Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker,

and if (!) the Habs got swept by the Bruins on Wednesday,

and even though the Pens finally dispatched the Flyers off to the land of wind and ghosts and tee-times (check your I Ching on that one. We prefer the Wilhelm/Baynes translation.)
http://www.cfcl.com/ching/

and IF (!!) you wander through the HNIC't Corporate Bunker on Sunday afternoon just about the time the Rangers totally put their ass in the air for the Washington Capitals (God, did you see that? That was just not cool, dude)

and you're carrying a copy of The Hockey News with Zdeno Chara on the Cover,
http://sports.yahoo.com/nhl/players/1700

and (!!!!!!!) you get hit in the head so hard with an iPhone (that has the picture Rev. Timmy took at the Garden when he recently took a field trip there with Mike J, Gentleman Tom and Dave Guadalahorowitz to make sure the Penguins got home ice for the playoffs (Suck it, Marty!†)) that you have to have an old (and rather poorly treated, shall we say) Cheri Magazine crammed in your mouth to keep you from swallowing your tongue,

and Saké Mike has to dip into his extensive horse tranquilizer collection (hmmmm, that fella has a lot of horse medicine for someone who doesn't actually have a horse. What up wit dat, yo?)
just to keep Rev. Timmy from finishing you off...

Well, all we can say is you should have more carefully read the tiny, tiny fine print in the HNIC't Intern Death and Dismemberment Release and chance to win a free iPod Sign-up Sheet as this series of events is specifically mentioned and your parents can sue us all they want but they'll never find us to collect (never!! NEVER!!!! AAAAHHHHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHHHHH!!!!!!!)

So direct the party of the first part to approach the bench, ummm, bar down at...
Hockey Night in Chinatown
Fontanas
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - 28 April 2009
from 7:00pm till everybody breaks something they love in a fit of rage and regrets it immediately.
This week:
The New York Rangers at the Washington Capitals
The New Jersey Devils at the Carolina Hurricanes*

both Game 7, Eastern Quarterfinal
[yeah we know some of those teams colors are white and red, but you ain't gonna see that so "Suck it, (your name here)!"]

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipisicing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum. Oh, by the way, the Detroit Red Wings are doing just fine.

C'mon Rangers...
What more can we say, really?

Ovie is fun and all, but dudes: Fucking Finish Them!!!*

WWWSBD‡

*Die Confederate Hockey Scum
† Of course we mean Philly Goalie Marty Biron, but Dave Guadalahorowitz would like you to think of a guy in a Herb Tarlek jacket quitting his job at a used car lot every time we yell this. We just want you to check how huge the Herb Tarlek entry is on Wikipediea. Sheesh.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Herb_Tarlek
I mean, it's almost as big as Lao-Tzu's (wait, that can't be right. hmmm, whaddaya know?)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lao_Tze
‡ What would William Scott Bowman do?



Tax and Title not included. We're tired of you and your whole buttoned down, plastic fantastic freaky Madison Avenue scene. May cause anal leakage. "I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence. or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me" - HST. If erection persists after four hours then consult your...really? You kept reading after "anal leakage", sheeeeshhh, what is up with you? I mean really. We are by no means the judging sort but dude now you're just reading the tiny text to make sure you're reading all the tiny text. And yet you can't make it out to watch Hockey and listen to records with us in person? C'mon you Otaku muther luvver. At least leave a comment on the blog! Hello? Hello!!! Awwww, who cares....dammi! Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipisicing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum. Oh, and up yours Daddy-O. Up yours all the way!!!!

Monday, April 20, 2009

Pens at Flyers - Devils at Canes - Canucks at Blues - 1st Round Playoffs - 7pm - Tues - April 21, 2009

It's getting harder and harder to watch Hockey around the Hockey NIght in Chinatown Corporate Bunker starting, oh, Saturday Night (Bos 5 - Mtl 1.) It's a good thing we bought up a bunch of flat screen TV's when Circuit City was going out of business because Rev. Timmy is going through them like bourbon bottles (coincidentally, he is sending the bourbon bottles through the flat screen TV's and that is why we are going through them so quickly.) It is also one reason why we don't allow children in the HNIC't Corporate Bunker (last time Rev. Timmy watched hockey with his nieces, they all learned words even their Dad and Granddad didn't know. And they're both firefighters!) Instead we keep them at the HNIC't Rural Child-rearing and Advanced Opeth DVD Watching Facility in Croton-on-Hudson.

Above is Miss Gracie, and for only the cost of a really bitchin' motorcycle every week, you can help make sure her Dad and her Uncle Reverend Timmy get Gold Club Seats at MSG for the rest of the Playoffs and even on to the Stanley Cup Final.

Please, won't you call now?

Otherwise tie your flat screen TV to your really bitchin' motorbike and crotch rocket your way down to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown
Fontanas
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - April 21, '09
from 7:00pm till we figure out how to fence all the TV's and bikes we're gonna have by the end of the night.
This week:
The Pittsburgh Penguins at Philadelphia Flyers Game 4 (Pens 2-1)
The New Jersey Devils at Carolina Hurricanes* Game 4 (NJ 2-1)
The Vancouver Canucks at the St. Louis Blues Game 4 (Van 3-0)



We believe that the Children are our Future!
Unless we stop them now!!!!!!

Yeah, we know Homer Simpson said it first
(hell, most of this stuff is stolen from the Simpsons. That, or old Oui Magazines.)
Besides, the Chicago/Calgary game is tied up.

Scotty we love you.



* Die Confederate Hockey Scum

Monday, March 30, 2009

Hawks at Habs - 7:30pm - Tuesday - 31 March 2009

Things got a little quiet since Rev. Timmy was off making the world safe for dangerous maniacs and human jack-asses. So, Dave Guadalahorowitz decided to cook up some Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker Stylee Fun™ by hijacking every screen in the joint and making them display various NASA star maps (past, present and projected.) Then, just as everyone was getting comfy for their post pirogie eating contest nap, Dave got clearance from the good folks at JPL to reveal our super-secret program to save the Earth from an asteroid strike.
http://antwrp.gsfc.nasa.gov/apod/ap090328.html

Admittedly, it may not seem very impressive to just have a Mite (well, he's in Pee Wee, actually) slapping on some tiny meteorite (meterorite/mite, get it? Oh, this stuff is wasted on you.) in the Nubian desert, but here at HNIC't we're all about getting them started on the fundamentals young and then growing the program.

By the time the asteroid Apophis (take that, SG-1 fans ) gets close in 2029 or 2036 we're we're planning to get somebody out there into space to one-time the thing right into the sun (suck it, you dopey dinosaurs.)
http://neo.jpl.nasa.gov/apophis/

Oh, and whoever does it will have to be, like, 600 metres tall.

HNIC't Poisonous Anemone Breeding Facility is just the start.

Hockey Night in Chinatown: Bringing You a Gigantic Horrifying Tomorrow, Eventually!

So stow your Celestron CPC Series CPC 1100 GPS XLT Telescope (with Motorized Altazimuth Mount) wipe the sautéed onions and sour cream off your face and plummet through the atmosphere down to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown

Fontanas

105 Eldridge St.

(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)

Tuesday - March 31, '09

from 7:30pm till someone accurately predicts the arc of flight of a half full Labatt Blue bottle so that it conks Rev. Timmy right on the bean AND renders him unconscious (30 sec. minimum.)

This week:

The Chicago Blackhawks at the Montréal Canadiens


It's coming down to the wire and we're all clenched up hoping for what we want (Red Wings to get the President's Trophy yet again, various Class A Controlled Substances) and what we NEEEEEED (Pens, Habs and Rangers all in the playoffs, beer.)

It's looking more and more like Rev. Timmy's absence was just the calm before the storm.

Speaking of unpredictable forces of nature, if all those folks in NoDak are thanking God for not killing them with all the floods, who do they think caused the floods anyway?
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090329/ap_on_re_us/midwest_flooding


Just kidding, North Dakotans. Take it easy and be well.
http://www.redcross.org/

Speaking of giving blood and making God angry, Wednesday is Saké Mike's Birthday.
Hockey Birthday Saké Mike!!!!!
Yes, it is really on April Fools Day.

Well, that's just too freakin' goddamn bat-shit easy.

Hey it's that Miss Keeeeely's Birthday, too.

Whatever became of her? Got wise, I s'pose.


Scotty, we don't love you none.






April Fools!!!

Monday, March 2, 2009

Pens at Lightning - Devils at Leafs - HBDDG'hwitz - 7pm - Tues - 3 March '09

Well we've been running around more than usual here at the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker as it's our very own Dave Guadalahorowitz's Birthday! Yessiree, folks, our very own Grand Wizard of the Beautification of Flat Surfaces and Sensei of the HNIC't Graphics Department and Internet Pornography Bookmarking Unit (Iron Cursor Dojo, Clan of the Leaping Paint Bucket) has clicked over another year on his odometer and put another notch in his lipstick case (hmmm, is that right?) and we've been getting things ready for one of our fabled HNIC't Birthday Hootenannys (the last one registered 3.4 on the Richter Scale, and caused the Chicken Parm Futures Markets to waver alarmingly, wiping out several Icelandic Banks and an Italian Deli in Winnipeg.)

We even reconfigured the Atomic Voodoo Hockey Deathray and socked in the the whole Northeast with snow so everyone could emulate Dave and stay home in their PJ's, order some food in, and slave over a hot television set.

All of our fancy Cray XT5's are busy torrenting foreign language versions of Mad Max and The Road Warrior (don't tell Dave, it's a surprise. The guy they got to do the Gyro Captain for the Farsi version is especially entertaining) and Dave is holed up in his Dojo reading World War Z on his new Kindle 2 (highly recommended by Saké Mike as a very accurate tale of things to come, he hopes.) So, as you can see, we set Rev. Timmy to the task of putting together our flyer on an old Franklin Apple II Clone we were using to keep a lid on a tank in the HNIC't Poisonous Anemone Breeding Facility (wait, that tank's empty now. That just can't be good.)
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00154JDAI/?tag=googhydr-20&hvadid=3098353217&ref=pd_sl_41di7k8jq1_b
http://www.randomhouse.com/crown/worldwarz/index2.php

I gotta say, since we set the Rev. up with that little task, there has been a noticeable decline in mysterious fires around here and a lot less shrieking and running (though it may just be because the Pens and Rangers seem like they might actually get it together and not miss the playoffs.)

How he got on the internet with that thing to surf for ASCII Art is no less amazing (alarming!!!) than our control of the weather or the hot sandwich futures markets.
http://ascii-art.surfhome.de/content.php?id=sports

So slip into that Snow Bunny suit you've been dying to wear just one more time before spring and zombie walk your way on down to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown

Fontanas

105 Eldridge St.

(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)

Tuesday - March 3, '09

from 7:00pm till we figure out how to get the Atomic Voodoo Hockey Deathray to make Chicken Parm Sandwiches.

This week:

The Pittsburgh Penguins at The Tampa Bay Lightning

The New Jersey Devils at The Toronto Maple Leafs


Hey, if your team ain't gonna go out and win a Stanley Cup for you, maybe you should get off your lazy ass and build one.
Then maybe you can sit inside it and maybe drink some beer.
Oh, and maybe catch a fish.
http://revver.com/video/752381/stanley-cup-ice-fishing-hut/

Remember, we said, maybe.

Now a special message from the robots we are building with the help of a pack of super intelligent talking dogs to battle the zombies.
(If that sentence doesn't terrify you good, you are just not paying any attention.*)

010010000110000101110000011100000111100100100000010000100110100101110010011101000110100001100100011000010111100100100000010001000110000101110110011001010010000001000111011101010110000101100100011000010110110001100001011010000110111101110010011011110111011101101001011101000111101000100001001000010010000100001101000010100100100001101111011000110110101101100101011110010111100101111001011110010111100101111001011110010111100101111001011110010111100100100001001000010010000100100001

http://www.roubaixinteractive.com/PlayGround/Binary_Conversion/Binary_To_Text.asp


0101001101100011011011110111010001110100011110010010110000100000011101110110010100100000011011000110111101110110011001010010000001111001011011110111010100101110

* You will be paying attention very soon.†














†Ahhhhhhhhhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!