Monday, December 17, 2007

No Hockey Night in Chinatown - Happy Holidays!

At last week's Hockey Night in Chinatown, during one of the bloodiest games of yuletide mumbly peg in recent memory, Saké Mike managed to relieve some poor fella of his Rangers/Penguins tickets for this Tuesday night (and a goodly portion of his blood. We had to send one of the interns for orange juice, sugar cookies and two rolls of paper towels.)

Since Rev. Timmy was instrumental in Mike's victory, through an elaborate system of key jangling and name calling, he was selected to join the expedition up to Madison Square Garden. Dave was just as happy as he's been looking forward all year to staying home and watching hockey in HD in his underwear with Amon Amarth blaring and a fresh chicken parm sandwich delivered at the start of every period.

Alas, this was to be the first Hockey Night in Chinatown in HD all year, but we got a chance to go see it in highest definition (assuming Mike and Timmy can get all the blood of their eyeglasses.)

We'll be off during the holiday season, or more accurately exporting Hockey Night in Chinatown to several outlying locations like Flint, MI, Akron, OH, Armonk NY, Raleigh, NC (Does Akron have a Chinatown? Is it just that store that sells monkey hand ashtrays and tiger penis tea?)

We'll also be planning our gala Hockey Night in Chinatown Salutes Elvis Aaron Presley Celebration and Pagent to coincide with the first HNIC't of next year on Jan. 8, '08.
Till then we wish you and yours the sincerest non-specific winter holiday greetings our tiny black atheist hearts can muster.
(We will not believe in, nor even tolerate any deity that would allow Phoenix to have a NHL Team. Let alone one that would permit said team to drub the Rangers 5-1. This is not the way to get Peace on Earth.)


Scotty Bowman to all, and to all a good night!

Monday, December 10, 2007

Pittsburgh Penguins at Philadelphia Flyers - 7pm - Tue 11 Dec '07

As you may have gathered from our flyer, Dave was out of town this last weekend with our Chairman of Pacific Division Hockey Mocking, Richie Rock visiting our Mountain Time Zone legal counsel Smokin' Al Feldman, who's celebrating his 40th birthday. Without Dave's leadership the graphics department quickly digressed to a spirited and noisy session of "Name That Typeface" that was only broken up when Rev. Timmy and Saké Mike went in with shotguns full of rock salt and bacon rinds. We didn't want to give Tim and Mike shotguns, but they were so wound up after Brendan Shanahan's game winning goal Sunday night we couldn't keep them out of the armory. Tim faked a seizure and Mike set off the alarm in the Hockey Night in Chinatown Poisonous Anemone Breeding Facility. After that it was short work for them to overpower the remaining guards and work the lock (we gotta change that combination: Gordie left, Mario right, Bobby left.)
The entire graphics department and several security guards and interns were treated and released later Sunday night or Monday morning. By then, however the boys had locked up every graphics workstation with elaborate spread sheet projections of how many goals and points Mario Lemieux would have scored if he'd remained healthy his entire career and pop-up windows from "free" porn thumbnail sites (do you know how much pornography it takes to lock up a Cray XT5? Well we do, now.) So to avoid yet another workplace related lawsuit we sent the graphics department home and gave them all gift certificates for Tim Hortons and River City Sports.

After the smoke cleared and the poisonous anemone were back in their tank (real seizure from Timmy this time) we had little time or, truth be told, inclination to get the flyer together. We apologize to anyone whose week was ruined by our crappy flyer. And we feel sorry for you.

So close all your pop-up windows and bring all your esoteric hypothetical hockey print-outs on down to:
Night in Chinatown


105 Eldridge St.

(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)

Tuesday - October 30, '07

from 7:00pm 'till we run outta hockey games to yell at.

This week:

The Pittsburgh Penguins at The Philadelphia Flyers

Last Thursday we had a Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Fieldtrip to see The Atomic Bitchwax at Ace of Clubs and a delightful time was had by all. If you need your Rock and Roll gland stimulated they are definitely worth your while. Go see them while you can, one of Rev. Timmy's super-powers is making bands he likes disappear from the planet far too soon. It's not intentional, it just happens. Sort of like the Stay-puft Marshmellow Man from Ghostbusters.

Dave will be back next week and everything will be back to normal.
For us.
(Mike just ran through the Control Room with a spear gun. Gotta go...)

Happy Birthday Smokin' Al!

Hurry Home Dave!

But who could blame you for staying away?

Al, Dave, Scotty, we love you.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Detroit Red Wings at Montréal Canadiens -7:30-Tues- Dec. 4th, '07

Finally we get some REAL hockey.
Last night in the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker we had to wince and grimace our way through a truly lousy showing by the Rangers against whom? The first place Senators? (whom the Rangers trail by only two points) Their cross-Hudson rivals the Devils? The resurgent Islanders with their super-duper rent-a-line?

Nooooooooo! The Rangers instead put their ass in the air and punked out for the Carolina Hurricanes. Now NC is not a bad place for college basketball (basket-what? what-ball? what-what?) and they seem to enjoy their NASCAR as much as the next bunch of button-down and khaki wearing, new money frat-boy, South-will-rise-again folks (Stupid Confederacy; worst losers ever. The Union stomped their ass flat more than 140 years ago and they're still fightin'. Feeble-ass crackers.) But Carolina ain't hockey country.

Never fear, though. All will be made right Tuesday night when the Montreal Canadiens (est. Dec 4th, 1909, Bon Anniversaire!) host, all the way from Hockeytown, U.S.A., the Detroit Red Wings (est. 1926.)

So stow your Stars and Bars, send your Klan suit out for a good cleaning and drive your bedless pickup truck down to...
Night in Chinatown


105 Eldridge St.

(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)

Tuesday - October 23, '07

from 7:30pm to whenever the floor gets too slippery from the blood of kickball kids.

This week:

The Detroit Red Wings at The Montréal Canadiens

We would also like to note the passing of Evel Knievel, as he was once owner, coach and player for the Butte Bombers minor league hockey team. There's an excellent documentary on the History Channel called Absolute Evel: The Evel Knievel Story. It has the man himself in all his lunk-headed glory explaining why he was a modern day gladiator and not some dope too stupid to realize that jumping 50 buses on a motorbike could possibly end badly. Around here we just use him to feel better about ourselves. We've all made some pretty questionable choices here at Hockey Night in Chinatown but we've never escaped from jail the day before release and ended up doing six more months.
Happy Landings, Evel!

If you're in the mood for some recreational voting, and really who isn't, we've got a couple things to keep your computer busy.
First, we need you to go to the NHL All Star Ballot and write in Jiri Hudler from the Wings for the West and Gary Roberts of the Penguins for the East.

Then, if you're not too tuckered out, head on over to the Greenpeace site where they're voting to name a whale. Our personal pick is Mister Splashy Pants and we urge you to vote for that name as the other choices are things like the Inuit word for "Jackasses who bother people while they are walking through Union Square" or the Australian Aboriginal word for "self-righteous prick."
You know any whale would shoot a harpoon right through your head if he could.

Update (12-17-08):
Mister Splashy Pants Wins!

So come on down and root for the Wings, the overall point leader in the NHL with 38, or the Habs, who glower down from their majestic throne of 24 Stanley Cups (more than 2nd place Toronto (13) and 3rd place Detroit (10) combined.)

It's proper hockey with no palm trees out in front of the arena

Yay Wings!

Yay Habs!

Yay Hockeyyyy!!!!

Goddamn Muther-bug-fuckin-A Right!

Scotty, we love you for winning Cups with both the Habs and the Wings.

Oh, and the Pens, too!

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Calgary Flames at Detroit Red Wings - 7pm Tue 27 '07

Here at Hockey Night in Chinatown we are thankful for:
1. William Scott Bowman.
2. Hockeyyyyyyyy!!!
3. Labatt Blue.
4. Satan ( No, not Miroslav Satan, but Old Nick, the Prince of Darkness, that little guy on the Underwood Ham Can.)
5. The Pens beating the Senators the night before Thanksgiving.
6. Those wonderful, magical beer mugs at Madison Square Garden with the built in pretzel rod holder. Genius.
7. Astroqueen, and really Scandinavians in general. From Henriks Zetterberg and Lundquist to the Hellacopters to Jarko Ruutu (who got the game winning shoot-out goal for #5, go figure) to Alfred Nobel, inventor of dynamite ( an essential tool in our work here at HNIC't.)
8. The Rangers are finally rolling.
9. That it's still only November (Come on Pens!)
10. The 11 foot thick blast doors at the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker (sometimes to keep things out, mostly to keep things in.)

So choke down yet another turkey sandwich and waddle on down to...
Hockey Night in

105 Eldridge St.

(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)

Tuesday - November 27, '07

from 7:00pm 'till the police show up 'cause we committed a felony on one of the kick-ball party kids.

This week:

The Calgary Flames at The Detroit Red Wings.

We were going to have a list of stuff we weren't thankful for as well but we got to "Gary Bettman" and "The Canadiens losing back to back games to the Sabres," when Rev. Timmy punched himself so hard in the face that we had to take him to the infirmary at the HNIC't Corporate Bunker. Once there, we overpowered the staff, got all goofy on Percocet and Demoral, gave each other adrenaline shots and held rather noisy and uncoordinated wheelchair races the rest of the night. The infirmary staff were paid to keep quiet and have since all been issued side arms. What could go wrong?

Once again,

We are thankful for the blast doors.

Scotty, we love you.

Again...Blast doors.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Detroit Red Wings at St. Louis Blues - 7:30pm - Tues. 13 Nov. '07

If you recall, last week we were all uppity and cheerful about the Rangers, Pens and Habs all getting shutouts. Well since then we have paid dearly. The Pens are at the bottom of the Atlantic Division, the Rangers lost to the Islanders. The Habs lost a good one to the Senators. And we're sure there's more to come. Rev. Timmy's so mopey he can't even muster the gumption to climb up into the catwalks. He just shuffles around the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker in a housecoat drinking herbal tea and is up to washing his hands about 200 times a day (that whole flicking the light switch on and off while reciting prime numbers is getting kinda annoying, too. And creepy!)
Eighty-two hockey games a season, eighty-two reasons to cry.

So blow your nose, wipe your eyes and shuffle on down to...
Night in Chinatown

105 Eldridge St.

(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)

Tuesday - October 23, '07

from 7:30pm to whenever we get sick of the kick-ball kids (ugh, don't ask.)

This week:

The Detroit Red Wings at The St. Louis Blues

We were hoping we could count on a lead-pipe cinch but Chicago even got the Wings to stumble this Sunday last.
At least in St. Louis we've got a chance to see our long lost buddy John "J.D." Davidson, whose commentation we sorely miss.
Come back J.D.!

Everything is forgiven!

Scotty, we love you.

Monday, November 5, 2007

New York Rangers at New York Islanders - 7pm - Nov. 6, '07

If you wondered why time and space seemed to warp slightly this last Saturday night in the New York Metropolitan Area before you had ingested whatever gear you use to get your third eye open and keep your spiritual five-hole closed we can explain it quickly and simply.
Our hero in all things (not just hockey) William Scott Bowman was in attendance at the Nassau Veterans' Memorial Coliseum to drop the puck for Al Arbour's 1500th game as coach of the Isles and alas, 740th win and 782th victory overall (second only to Scotty.)
The Islanders beat the Penguins and the Leafs beat the Canadiens, so after both losses Rev. Timmy disappeared into the catwalks over the workshop grabbing most of our new pornography and all of our Rye, but not before vandalizing the bumper pool table in a manner so foul, so inhumanly brutal, that our lunchtime bumper pool tournament was not only canceled, but all references to it in our records have been expunged.
would not reappear until after Monday night when the Pens, the Rangers and the Habs all came in with shutouts. We're not really sure how he watches the games up there but the blood curdling hollers and smashing glass do seem to coincide with the progress of the games (His favorites are "Go stand by the fucking goalie!!!" and "I don't know whether to cry or wind my watch!")

So expunge yourself off (oof!) and saunter on down to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)

Tuesday - Nov 6, '07
from 7:00pm to 10pm or so.
The New York Rangers at the New York Islanders.

Space-time shenanigans must've been afoot in Toronto as well Saturday night as Don Cherry had nice things to say about Saku Koivu AND Jaromir Jagr.

In other, sort of, hockey news our good buddy Mike Jay got one through his lovely wife Libby's "five hole" about nine months ago (eww, that sounds kinda extra filthy, sorry) and we are excited to welcome to the planet the newest Red Wings fan:
Miss Adelaide Wilde Jay!

Momma and baby are doing just dandy. As are the Red Wings.
Saké Mike's
convinced that they're so bad ass this year that we should send them over to Iraq to clean house and then have them take care of global warming and digital music rights.

Our gal Miss Jilly is so excited she's throwing an after Hockey Night in Chinatown and Welcome Miss Adelaide Jay Party at:
St. Jerome's
155 Rivington St. btw Clinton and Rivington
10PM till the cows come home.
So stop on by, or the terrorists win.

The whole Red Wings cleaning up the middle east is enticing, but that would violate our prime directive here at Hockey Night in Chinatown:

Keep Hockey Cold!

Death to Islamic Hockey Scum!!!

Not really, but it was just too silly to resist. And anyway they started it... After we sorta started it...ummmmm...errrr...

Addy, Gracie, Libby, Mikey, Scotty, we love you!

Monday, October 29, 2007

Pittsburgh at Minnesota - 7pm - 30 Oct '07

(Also the term for girls that hang around outside The Igloo trollin’ for Penguins.)

Well everybody around the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker is moving a little slow this Monday as over the weekend we celebrated the 40th birthday of our good buddy and HNIC't Chairman of Pacific Division Hockey Mocking: Richie Rock.

Well "Celebrated" doesn't really give an accurate impression. Saturday night we let Rock's 40th Birthday out of it's cage, chased it down with torches and pitchforks, tied it to a chair, shocked it's genitals with a car battery charger, hit it in the face with a phone book repeatedly, revived it, made it wear a fancy dress, took it dancing, dragged it out into the alley, did unmentionable things to it that no one is very proud of and then gave it $20 and sent it home in a cab. We spent the whole day today erasing the security tapes at Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Headquarters and scrubbing blood (and other) stains off the floor.

Needless to say, Rock's birthday isn't gonna show it's face for a while.

But you should bring your face (fancy dress optional, but appreciated) down to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown
105 Eldridge St.

(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)

Tuesday - October 30, '07

from 7:00pm to 12 midnight.

This week:

The Pittsburgh Penguins at The Minnesota Wild

This here is the part of the email where we would insert further snarky comments if we were not too tore up to do so.

Happy Birthday Richie Rock!

Richie, we love you.

Monday, October 22, 2007

New York Rangers at Pittsburgh Penguins - 7pm Tue - 23 October '07

Just like the hockey season itself, it's taken us here at Hockey Night in Chinatown a couple weeks to get our skates under us (Scott Gomez, we're looking at you,) and for that we'd like to apologize.
But we're not going to.
And if that gets your panties in a bunch, we must warn you that this last weekend Saké Mike hosted a seminar on climbing over the glass with one's skates on. So we're ready to go if you folks start hucking batteries or heat up pennies with a lighter and toss'em on the ice (the preferred method is to hold the penny with a pair of tweezers and giggle maniacally the whole time.)

So unbunch whatever's bunched up on ya, pick through your change jar and scoot on down to...

Hockey Night in Chinatown

105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - October 23, '07
from 7:00pm to 12 midnight.

This week:
The New York Rangers at The Pittsburgh Penguins

On a related note, our good buddies Richard Bacchus and The Luckiest Girls have just released a new record Jet Black and Beautiful onto the interweb. We've been playing it continuously in the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker and I gotta say, everyone's got a a bounce in his step, nobody steals from the coffee fund anymore and, curiously, everyone's teeth are brighter, whiter and more vibrant. (Savage beatings have risen slightly, but that seems like more than a fair tradeoff.)

It's quite the collection of ditties detailing the face washes and slew foots that life perpetrates perpetually upon us all.

Oh, and it just happens to rock mightily.

So pony up and give some support to a cat who routinely goes to the corner for rock and roll and digs out the puck for our side.

Here's him and the "girls" hard at work at the Lincoln Theatre in Raleigh:

Despite the fact that he's based in Raleigh, we stand by our well established credo:

Die, Confederate Hockey Scum!
Keep Hockey Cold!

Ricky, Jimmy, Larry, Billy, Scotty, we love you.

Monday, October 8, 2007

Caronlina at Toronto - 7pm - Tuesday - 7 Oct 2007

Much has transpired since we last gathered 'round Fontanas' Great Glowing HD Hearth of Hockey:

- California got it's first Cup (shudder, wince) by the Anaheim Ducks.
- Mike taught a little Dominican boy the true meaning of Bastille Day by flattening a MTA Transit Policeman's nose with a head butt on the F train between West 4th and B'way-Lafayette.
-The Rangers raided upstate and across the Hudson to assemble a pretty daunting looking team, enraging Devils and Sabres fans simultaneously.
-Rev. Timmy was placed under house arrest complete with nifty cyber-ankle bracelet after pleading guilty to discharging a firearm in a public swimming pool.
-William Wirtz passed away, hopefully freeing the Blackhawks from their T.V. boycott and general overall suckiness (it's no fun hating them if they just suck.)
-Patrick Roy and Mario Lemieux both turned 42 last Friday.
-We got a new bumper pool table for the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker (Oh, we set up a HNIC't blog of all the past emails too.)
-The Rangers, Wings and Habs all won their season openers, the Pens beat the Ducks (but alas, lost to Carolina.)
-We put spiffy new pinstriping on the Atomic Voodoo Hockey Deathray.
-Dave had to serve 100 hours of community service (conspiracy to discharge a firearm in a public swimming pool) at the Lower East Side Home for Wayward Teenage Girls. After "counseling" some of the girls in their waywardness, his sentence was increased to 200 hours. You couldn't get that smile off his face with a belt sander.
-Gary Bettman's reign of wanton douchebaggery continues unabated (everyone who thought that one of the things wrong with the NHL was the uniforms go home and wait for us to come by and shoot out your porch light.)

Now that you're tan, rested and ready, fold up your beach umbrella and get down to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - 9 Oct, '07
from 7:00pm till 10 or so.

This week:
The Carolina Hurricanes at the Toronto Maple Leafs

In keeping with the general torment of being a hockey fan, we've only got one game for our first Hockey Night in Chinatown and it's not even in Hi-def. Or even a game we really care about (though we will be rooting for the Leafs, them having ice and snow up in Toronto.)

One good thing is the new NHL Network which is doing a free preview for all of October. It's got that "On the Fly" show, old games and basically all the hockey stuff not on regular (U.S.) television. We found it by accident by searching for NHL in the cable guide thingy. For Manhattan Time Warner Cable it's channel 458.
Their website was useless to find it elsewhere, but you should be used to jumping through hoops for hockey by now.

So Sharpen your skates.
Tape up your stick.
Wrap foil 'round your fists.
It's Hockey Season!!!


Hockey, we love you.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Wings at Ducks - Tues - 9pm

In the spirit of the summer of movie sequels laid out before us we present The Return of the Son of the Revenge of Detroit vs. Anaheim. And, in keeping with the spirit of most sequels, things are looking like they could turn for the worse with the Ducks up 3-1 in the series. We here at Hockey Night in Chinatown do recognize that this situation is essential, however, for the Wings to whip them Ducks good on their own crappy ice and turn things into a triumphant Godfather II, or at least a compelling (and invigorating) Where the Boys Aren't 7.

So send your brother fishing with one of your henchmen, put away the hand lotion and come on down to...

Hockey Night in Chinatown

Fontanas 105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)

Tuesday - May 22, '07
from 9:00pm to 12 midnight or so.
(Still Stupid West Coast)

The Detroit Redwings at The Anaheim Ducks - Game 6 - Ducks up 3-2.

Here's a terrible video highlighting the fact that hockey and porn go together about as well as every member city of the NHL Pacific Division and Hockey.
If you can bear to watch the whole thing, we'll give you a pretzel. (Don't bother, we'll give you two if you don't.)

If your 11 year old can't figure out why the ice sucks so much in Anaheim and is so good in Edmonton, take him or her to a doctor. If they can figure out why the Rangers have such lousy ice, buy them an X-box 360.

Keep Hockey Cold!

Scotty, we love you.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Wings at Ducks - 9pm Tues, 15 May '07

You might be wondering what we all do when we have a Tuesday off due to the inhuman cruelty of the Hockey Playoff Scheduling Gods. Well, last week Dave made a sound-proof box in which to imprison that Nascar Kid from the Geico commercials. (The Box of Acoustic Cruelty - patent pending)
His plan was to destroy the little boy's brain with an endless loop of Night on Disco Mountain from the "Saturday Night Fever Soundtrack."

Meanwhile, Mike baked a batch of brownies laced with Window Pane and laxatives to send to Scott Niedermayer, Chris Pronger and J-S Giguere in order to aid the Wings in their Cup quest.

As the pan of brownies was cooling in the break room of the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker, Rev. Timmy wandered by and scarfed down about half of them. (It should come as no surprise that most of the goings on in the bunker resemble a particularly poorly rendered episode of "Three's Company.")
Shortly thereafter he commenced wailing, "Spiders! Bats! Too Goddamn many Spiders and Bats!" This was followed by a quick serpentine dash through the Control Room into the workshop area. He pushed Dave into a big pile of paint thinner cans and oily rags we keep around for emergencies (you never know) and then barricaded himself inside Dave's newly completed Box of Acoustic Cruelty.
Eventually we coaxed Tim out with repeated high volume playings of "Rocky Racoon" at 45rpm and a bottle Jim Beam.

Alas, we let our guard down for the briefest of moments and he grabbed the bottle and disappeared into the catwalks high above the workshop floor. We sent one of the interns up after him, but he quickly returned with a freshly chipped front tooth, a badly singed eyebrow and shy one shoe.
Tim reappeared Thursday for the Sabres-Sens game looking hale, healthy and relaxed. (Though he did keep muttering something about McGill, Lil and Gideon's Bible.)
As far as Dave's Box of Acoustic Cruelty goes, let's just say that whatever the laxatives started, the Window Pane finished, and leave it at that.

Anyway, try to maintain, get yourself cleaned up and come on down to...

Hockey Night in Chinatown
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)

Tuesday - May 15, '07 from 9:00pm to 12 midnight or so. (Stupid West Coast)

The Detroit Redwings at The Anaheim Ducks, Game 3, Series tied 1-1.

Here's another example of what can go wrong with drug filled brownies and hockey submitted by our good buddy Jet Black Richard Bacchus (2 time MVP of the Northern Mexico Hockey League - Left Wing - Tijuana Hookers)

Since Dave is still busy trying to clean out The Box of Acoustic Cruelty (yuck!), he didn't have time to make a flyer this week.
Instead, we've included a picture of Bob Probert you can use to frighten burglars or discipline your children.

Bob, we love you.
(And we shudder to think what would happen if we didn't.)

Monday, April 30, 2007

Sabres at Rangers - Ducks at Canucks-8pm Tues

It's really not our fault that this is the first Hockey Night in Chinatown of the Playoffs.
But here we are, 3rd games of the 2nd round and ready to go.

The dopey reasons for our absence are multitude and mostly fictitious.

Suffice it to say, we lay most of the blame on Commissioner Gary Bettman.
Send your cards, letters and dead rats in shoe boxes to:
Gary Bettman

c/o The National Hockey League

1251 Ave. of the Americas

New York, NY 10020

If you want to visit them in person, our advice is to try and go in right after Tim does.

Most of the security guards' tazers are out of juice by the time they get him down.

Be warned that we suspect most of the security at NHL HQ is very large and very

upset at not playing professional hockey.

After your arraignment, why not swing by...

Hockey Night in Chinatown


105 Eldridge St.

(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)

Tuesday - May 1, '07

from 7:00 to 12 or so.

7pm Buffalo Sabres at New York Rangers

10:30 Anaheim Ducks at Vancouver Canucks

Oh, here's something that'll confuse and amaze you.

Guy Lafleur made some sort of disco/hockey album.

What could go wrong?

Guy, we love you, anyway.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

No Hockey = No Hockey Night in Chinatown.

We held out a faint hope that Detroit and Calgary would go to seven games and we'd be able to get the ball rolling HNIC'town-wise, but the Flames lost their minds at the end of the 5th game on Saturday and started thugging it up (in a wholly unimpressive and feeble manner.)

Johan Franzen, recipient of a stick whacking from 18 second sub goalie Jamie McLennan, took his time (a little more than 4 periods, in fact) and served up his revenge ice cold.

Thusly, no hockey to watch Tuesday night. Unless Monday night's Dallas and Vancouver game manages to go something like 67 overtime periods. And like my Pa always said," Nobody plays any good after 30 overtime periods." (Accurate advice, though not terribly useful.)

Anyway that's what's up.
Hockey Night in Chinatown will return as soon as they play hockey on Hockey Night in Chinatown.

Just like MacArthur.


Monday, April 2, 2007

7pm Tues * Sabres at Pens * Rangers at Isles * Sens at Devils

With the success of Black Hockey History Month, we here at Hockey Night in Chinatown immediately began making plans for a similar salute for Women's Hockey History Month.
The entire staff gathered around the computer and we started searching for images for Dave to mutate into appropriately demented (and non-legally actionable) flyers.

Predictably the searches quickly deteriorated from "women in hockey" to "women kissing" to "hot lesbian czech teens toying" (truth be told, we never completely typed in "women in hockey.")

The ensuing work stoppage was equalled only by the time Mike brought back a bunch of sushi back from Flint for the office and left it by the radiator all morning. At first we thought it a simple miscalculation in safe food handling protocol, until we realized he had crazy glued the doors to the bathrooms shut. No doubt he was trying to punish us for something (probably his being born in Flint.)

So stifle your nausea (bring a bucket, if need be) and come on down to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - March 27, '07
from 7:00pm to 12 midnight.

This week:
The Buffalo Sabres at the Pittsburgh Penguins
The New York Rangers at the New York Islanders (in voluptuous HD)
The Ottawa Senators at the New Jersey Devils

At any rate, with our interest in women actually playing hockey (sorry girls, er, womyn, whatever) in full retreat against the more peripheral (that is, bouncier) results of our arduous googling (as in "He got google all over his keyboard."), we elected to salute the women who dig hockey or at least hockey players.

So below are some links to fill your day and your computer screen with pop-up windows until the hockey starts:
Janet Jones-Gretzky, Mrs. Great One:

Angelica Bridges: the former Mrs. Sheldon Souray:

Elisha Cuthbert, Sean Avery's (??!!) girl:

And a big list of the "Ice Girls" (strippers) for NHL teams:

And of course our (involuntary) model for the flyer this week:

We don't know if any of these links are safe for work. After Tim's flare gun accident last week "safe for work" has little to do with stuff on the computer (we are a little concerned that he downloaded a .pdf of the Anarchist's Cookbook.)

Also, if you're dopey enough to show this email to your wife and/or girlfriend (especially if she plays hockey) then you deserve to stay home and watch American Idol instead of drinking beer, eating pretzels and yelling at high-def pixels dancing with the likes of Sidney Crosby and Jaromir Jagr.

Come on down and buy Mike a beer for his birthday (April 1st, no fooling.) AKA

You do not want him coming to your home.

Trust us.

Scotty, we love you.

Monday, March 26, 2007

THIS TUESDAY! Rangers vs Canadiens & Devils vs Islanders.

After an entire week of dealing with Tim's mopiness and missing last week's Hockey Night, we here at Hockey Night in Chinatown are anxious to get out of the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker. He hasn't taken off his Mario jersey since we were snowed out from flying to Pittsburgh and since then his hygiene has been, shall we say, less meticulous than usual. We're betting that his continuous diet of microwave burritos, sauerkraut and garlic is not helping the air down here either.

And of course there are still plenty of goat carcasses lying around.

On the plus side, Dave convinced Tim that nobody liked him; Mike convinced him that everybody hates him and we have quite an elaborate office pool on the number, manner and preparation method of the worms that he'd eat. (NC-double what? Final who?)

That project ended up back-burnered when Tim fired off a flare gun during a board meeting and ignited some cleaning supplies stored behind the copier, setting off the sprinklers and filling the entire complex with acrid chemical smoke (best board meeting ever!)

Truth be told, I didn't know we had any cleaning supplies down here at all, aside from the drums of bobble-head polish.

The copier, of course, was always the center of interest at the Christmas Party (Oh, the terrible things that piece of glass has had to endure.)

At least it seems to smell a little better in the bunker.

So follow your nose down to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown

105 Eldridge St.

(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - March 27, '07

from 7:30pm to 12 midnight.

This week: The New York Rangers at The Montreal Canadiens (in luscious HD)
The New Jersey Devils at The New York Islanders.

If you would like to attend the field trip to see Ray Ferraro next time NBC Sports comes to Rockefeller Center,
please get your permission slips signed and submitted.
If you do not have a weapon, one will be provided for you.
Tim already called the flare gun.
Actually, we just can't get it away from him. (Mike now has a big burn hole in his CCCP sweater that he's none too happy about.)

How did he get so many flares?

And where the hell is he hiding them?

Scotty, we love you.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Rangers at Devils - 7pm Tues, 20 Feb '07

Being Hockey fans we have some small inkling of how it feels to be treated like second class citizens.
No, we're not about to pretend that Plymouth Rock landed on us or we have ever been treated like three fifths of a person, but we have been relegated to the back of the the sports section and the upper reaches of the cable box.
That's us, way behind the Texas Hold'em, NASCAR and Mixed Martial Arts Fighting on your T.V. dial.

In sympathetic brotherhood with our African-American friends we are celebrating the rare overlap between the Hockey World and Black History Month by announcing Black Hockey History Month (really, is there a more miserable month for anything than February?)
and saluting Willie O'ree, the first African-North American to play in the NHL.

Though he only played 40 games, and there wasn't another Black player for 25 years, he at least got the ball (er, puck) rolling.

So come on down and we'll judge the content of your character at:

Hockey Night in China Town

105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - Feb 20, '07
from 7:00pm to 12 midnight.

This week:
New York Rangers at New Jersey Devils (for the 57th time this season.)
Philadelphia Flyers at Buffalo Sabres

Ray Emery, Goalie for the Senators, was so excited about Black Hockey History Month that he took 3 games off.

At least we're nicer to black people than NASCAR.
(That's setting the bar high, right?)

We challenge you to find a Hockey Night anywhere that plays more Funkadelic and Pharcyde.
Hockey, by any means necessary.

Scotty, we love you.

Monday, February 5, 2007

Rangers at Devils - 7pm Tues, 6 Feb '07

It is not well known the arduous path the Bobble Artisan must endure before he reaches the rank of "Master."
Many years of head gluing, spring tweaking and dancing in pretty dresses lead to the day when he is considered ready to render the majestic fury of a Jagr or the steely concentration of a Brodeur in finest blow-injected plastic.

Similarly, we at Hockey Night in Chinatown continually strive for improvement of ourselves and our loyal patrons.
Dave, for instance, wanders the internet doing good deeds and occasionally having a little sex.

Whilst the good Reverend can often be found lurking around the Bobble-head factory, waiting for the apprentices to dance in pretty dresses.

So throw on something pretty and come on down to:

Hockey Night in Chinatown

105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - Feb 6, '07
from 7:30pm to 12 midnight.

This week it's the New York Rangers at the New Jersey Devils.

Oh, and just for good measure, here's Patrick Roy beating up Chris Osgood.
When will the goalie on goalie violence end?

HBD Chrissy

Scotty, we love you.