Monday, May 21, 2007

Wings at Ducks - Tues - 9pm

In the spirit of the summer of movie sequels laid out before us we present The Return of the Son of the Revenge of Detroit vs. Anaheim. And, in keeping with the spirit of most sequels, things are looking like they could turn for the worse with the Ducks up 3-1 in the series. We here at Hockey Night in Chinatown do recognize that this situation is essential, however, for the Wings to whip them Ducks good on their own crappy ice and turn things into a triumphant Godfather II, or at least a compelling (and invigorating) Where the Boys Aren't 7.

So send your brother fishing with one of your henchmen, put away the hand lotion and come on down to...

Hockey Night in Chinatown

Fontanas 105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)

Tuesday - May 22, '07
from 9:00pm to 12 midnight or so.
(Still Stupid West Coast)

The Detroit Redwings at The Anaheim Ducks - Game 6 - Ducks up 3-2.

Here's a terrible video highlighting the fact that hockey and porn go together about as well as every member city of the NHL Pacific Division and Hockey.
If you can bear to watch the whole thing, we'll give you a pretzel. (Don't bother, we'll give you two if you don't.)

If your 11 year old can't figure out why the ice sucks so much in Anaheim and is so good in Edmonton, take him or her to a doctor. If they can figure out why the Rangers have such lousy ice, buy them an X-box 360.

Keep Hockey Cold!

Scotty, we love you.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Wings at Ducks - 9pm Tues, 15 May '07

You might be wondering what we all do when we have a Tuesday off due to the inhuman cruelty of the Hockey Playoff Scheduling Gods. Well, last week Dave made a sound-proof box in which to imprison that Nascar Kid from the Geico commercials. (The Box of Acoustic Cruelty - patent pending)
His plan was to destroy the little boy's brain with an endless loop of Night on Disco Mountain from the "Saturday Night Fever Soundtrack."

Meanwhile, Mike baked a batch of brownies laced with Window Pane and laxatives to send to Scott Niedermayer, Chris Pronger and J-S Giguere in order to aid the Wings in their Cup quest.

As the pan of brownies was cooling in the break room of the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker, Rev. Timmy wandered by and scarfed down about half of them. (It should come as no surprise that most of the goings on in the bunker resemble a particularly poorly rendered episode of "Three's Company.")
Shortly thereafter he commenced wailing, "Spiders! Bats! Too Goddamn many Spiders and Bats!" This was followed by a quick serpentine dash through the Control Room into the workshop area. He pushed Dave into a big pile of paint thinner cans and oily rags we keep around for emergencies (you never know) and then barricaded himself inside Dave's newly completed Box of Acoustic Cruelty.
Eventually we coaxed Tim out with repeated high volume playings of "Rocky Racoon" at 45rpm and a bottle Jim Beam.

Alas, we let our guard down for the briefest of moments and he grabbed the bottle and disappeared into the catwalks high above the workshop floor. We sent one of the interns up after him, but he quickly returned with a freshly chipped front tooth, a badly singed eyebrow and shy one shoe.
Tim reappeared Thursday for the Sabres-Sens game looking hale, healthy and relaxed. (Though he did keep muttering something about McGill, Lil and Gideon's Bible.)
As far as Dave's Box of Acoustic Cruelty goes, let's just say that whatever the laxatives started, the Window Pane finished, and leave it at that.

Anyway, try to maintain, get yourself cleaned up and come on down to...

Hockey Night in Chinatown
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)

Tuesday - May 15, '07 from 9:00pm to 12 midnight or so. (Stupid West Coast)

The Detroit Redwings at The Anaheim Ducks, Game 3, Series tied 1-1.

Here's another example of what can go wrong with drug filled brownies and hockey submitted by our good buddy Jet Black Richard Bacchus (2 time MVP of the Northern Mexico Hockey League - Left Wing - Tijuana Hookers)

Since Dave is still busy trying to clean out The Box of Acoustic Cruelty (yuck!), he didn't have time to make a flyer this week.
Instead, we've included a picture of Bob Probert you can use to frighten burglars or discipline your children.

Bob, we love you.
(And we shudder to think what would happen if we didn't.)