Monday, December 17, 2007

No Hockey Night in Chinatown - Happy Holidays!

At last week's Hockey Night in Chinatown, during one of the bloodiest games of yuletide mumbly peg in recent memory, Saké Mike managed to relieve some poor fella of his Rangers/Penguins tickets for this Tuesday night (and a goodly portion of his blood. We had to send one of the interns for orange juice, sugar cookies and two rolls of paper towels.)

Since Rev. Timmy was instrumental in Mike's victory, through an elaborate system of key jangling and name calling, he was selected to join the expedition up to Madison Square Garden. Dave was just as happy as he's been looking forward all year to staying home and watching hockey in HD in his underwear with Amon Amarth blaring and a fresh chicken parm sandwich delivered at the start of every period.

Alas, this was to be the first Hockey Night in Chinatown in HD all year, but we got a chance to go see it in highest definition (assuming Mike and Timmy can get all the blood of their eyeglasses.)

We'll be off during the holiday season, or more accurately exporting Hockey Night in Chinatown to several outlying locations like Flint, MI, Akron, OH, Armonk NY, Raleigh, NC (Does Akron have a Chinatown? Is it just that store that sells monkey hand ashtrays and tiger penis tea?)

We'll also be planning our gala Hockey Night in Chinatown Salutes Elvis Aaron Presley Celebration and Pagent to coincide with the first HNIC't of next year on Jan. 8, '08.
Till then we wish you and yours the sincerest non-specific winter holiday greetings our tiny black atheist hearts can muster.
(We will not believe in, nor even tolerate any deity that would allow Phoenix to have a NHL Team. Let alone one that would permit said team to drub the Rangers 5-1. This is not the way to get Peace on Earth.)


Scotty Bowman to all, and to all a good night!

Monday, December 10, 2007

Pittsburgh Penguins at Philadelphia Flyers - 7pm - Tue 11 Dec '07

As you may have gathered from our flyer, Dave was out of town this last weekend with our Chairman of Pacific Division Hockey Mocking, Richie Rock visiting our Mountain Time Zone legal counsel Smokin' Al Feldman, who's celebrating his 40th birthday. Without Dave's leadership the graphics department quickly digressed to a spirited and noisy session of "Name That Typeface" that was only broken up when Rev. Timmy and Saké Mike went in with shotguns full of rock salt and bacon rinds. We didn't want to give Tim and Mike shotguns, but they were so wound up after Brendan Shanahan's game winning goal Sunday night we couldn't keep them out of the armory. Tim faked a seizure and Mike set off the alarm in the Hockey Night in Chinatown Poisonous Anemone Breeding Facility. After that it was short work for them to overpower the remaining guards and work the lock (we gotta change that combination: Gordie left, Mario right, Bobby left.)
The entire graphics department and several security guards and interns were treated and released later Sunday night or Monday morning. By then, however the boys had locked up every graphics workstation with elaborate spread sheet projections of how many goals and points Mario Lemieux would have scored if he'd remained healthy his entire career and pop-up windows from "free" porn thumbnail sites (do you know how much pornography it takes to lock up a Cray XT5? Well we do, now.) So to avoid yet another workplace related lawsuit we sent the graphics department home and gave them all gift certificates for Tim Hortons and River City Sports.

After the smoke cleared and the poisonous anemone were back in their tank (real seizure from Timmy this time) we had little time or, truth be told, inclination to get the flyer together. We apologize to anyone whose week was ruined by our crappy flyer. And we feel sorry for you.

So close all your pop-up windows and bring all your esoteric hypothetical hockey print-outs on down to:
Night in Chinatown


105 Eldridge St.

(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)

Tuesday - October 30, '07

from 7:00pm 'till we run outta hockey games to yell at.

This week:

The Pittsburgh Penguins at The Philadelphia Flyers

Last Thursday we had a Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Fieldtrip to see The Atomic Bitchwax at Ace of Clubs and a delightful time was had by all. If you need your Rock and Roll gland stimulated they are definitely worth your while. Go see them while you can, one of Rev. Timmy's super-powers is making bands he likes disappear from the planet far too soon. It's not intentional, it just happens. Sort of like the Stay-puft Marshmellow Man from Ghostbusters.

Dave will be back next week and everything will be back to normal.
For us.
(Mike just ran through the Control Room with a spear gun. Gotta go...)

Happy Birthday Smokin' Al!

Hurry Home Dave!

But who could blame you for staying away?

Al, Dave, Scotty, we love you.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Detroit Red Wings at Montréal Canadiens -7:30-Tues- Dec. 4th, '07

Finally we get some REAL hockey.
Last night in the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker we had to wince and grimace our way through a truly lousy showing by the Rangers against whom? The first place Senators? (whom the Rangers trail by only two points) Their cross-Hudson rivals the Devils? The resurgent Islanders with their super-duper rent-a-line?

Nooooooooo! The Rangers instead put their ass in the air and punked out for the Carolina Hurricanes. Now NC is not a bad place for college basketball (basket-what? what-ball? what-what?) and they seem to enjoy their NASCAR as much as the next bunch of button-down and khaki wearing, new money frat-boy, South-will-rise-again folks (Stupid Confederacy; worst losers ever. The Union stomped their ass flat more than 140 years ago and they're still fightin'. Feeble-ass crackers.) But Carolina ain't hockey country.

Never fear, though. All will be made right Tuesday night when the Montreal Canadiens (est. Dec 4th, 1909, Bon Anniversaire!) host, all the way from Hockeytown, U.S.A., the Detroit Red Wings (est. 1926.)

So stow your Stars and Bars, send your Klan suit out for a good cleaning and drive your bedless pickup truck down to...
Night in Chinatown


105 Eldridge St.

(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)

Tuesday - October 23, '07

from 7:30pm to whenever the floor gets too slippery from the blood of kickball kids.

This week:

The Detroit Red Wings at The Montréal Canadiens

We would also like to note the passing of Evel Knievel, as he was once owner, coach and player for the Butte Bombers minor league hockey team. There's an excellent documentary on the History Channel called Absolute Evel: The Evel Knievel Story. It has the man himself in all his lunk-headed glory explaining why he was a modern day gladiator and not some dope too stupid to realize that jumping 50 buses on a motorbike could possibly end badly. Around here we just use him to feel better about ourselves. We've all made some pretty questionable choices here at Hockey Night in Chinatown but we've never escaped from jail the day before release and ended up doing six more months.
Happy Landings, Evel!

If you're in the mood for some recreational voting, and really who isn't, we've got a couple things to keep your computer busy.
First, we need you to go to the NHL All Star Ballot and write in Jiri Hudler from the Wings for the West and Gary Roberts of the Penguins for the East.

Then, if you're not too tuckered out, head on over to the Greenpeace site where they're voting to name a whale. Our personal pick is Mister Splashy Pants and we urge you to vote for that name as the other choices are things like the Inuit word for "Jackasses who bother people while they are walking through Union Square" or the Australian Aboriginal word for "self-righteous prick."
You know any whale would shoot a harpoon right through your head if he could.

Update (12-17-08):
Mister Splashy Pants Wins!

So come on down and root for the Wings, the overall point leader in the NHL with 38, or the Habs, who glower down from their majestic throne of 24 Stanley Cups (more than 2nd place Toronto (13) and 3rd place Detroit (10) combined.)

It's proper hockey with no palm trees out in front of the arena

Yay Wings!

Yay Habs!

Yay Hockeyyyy!!!!

Goddamn Muther-bug-fuckin-A Right!

Scotty, we love you for winning Cups with both the Habs and the Wings.

Oh, and the Pens, too!