Monday, December 15, 2008

Caps at Isles - Devils at Leafs - Rangers at Ducks - 7pm - Tues - 16 Dec '08

Rev. Timmy, Saké Mike and Mrs. Saké Mike went out to The Prudential Center to a) Cheer on the Rangers and b) watch some good hockey. Instead they got to watch the Devils score 8 goals.

Let's do that last bit again.
They got to watch the New Jersey Devils score 8 goals on the Rangers and Henrik Lundqvist.
(Christ, the Rangers let in 2(!!!) shorthanded goals!)

Peppy was supposed to go but he was home sick with some bug. Seems like something's going around, and we mean around the NHL. Most of our favorite teams have been, to be generous, a little off.

When Rev. Timmy and Saké Mike got back to the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker they seemed a little glassy eyed and bewildered (not for the usual reasons, neither) and just sat in the lobby area staring at Charlene the Receptionist.

The only thing that got them moving at all was repeated high volume playings of Prince Far I records.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M_XX72lu_JM

Not terribly conducive to getting anything done. Dave refused to even come out of the Graphics Dojo and we had to make this week's flyer down at the local Kinko's out of one of the few magazine pictures of Lindsey Lohan that remain "unused" as we call it around here.

Sorry, not very Christmas-y either. Feel free to make your own Ho-ho-ho joke if that's what it takes to get you in the mood.

So slip on your Scott Stevens sweater, crank the volume up to "eye ball rattling" on your sound system trailer and skank* on down to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown
Fontanas

105 Eldridge St.

(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)

Tuesday - 16 December, 2008

from 7:00pm till we've stopped staring at Charlene the Receptionist.

This week:

The Washington Capitals at the New York Islanders

The New Jersey Devils at the Toronto Maple Leafs

The New York Rangers at the Anaheim Ducks

(starts at 10pm, limited DJ support)


Dave Guadalahorowitz and Rev. Timmy will be playing tunes all night, but the Fontanas folks insist that they retreat to the DJ booth after 10pm.
(If you think about it, it just makes good sense. Or at least more sense than letting them play records in your bar in the first place.)
We think they'll let us keep the Rangers game on, if only to avoid 2 1/2 solid hours of "Please?! Can we?! Please?! Can we?! Awwww, you're mean!"

One bright spot from the trip to The Rock was to remind us all of something we get cheated out of here in New York at Madison Square Garden:
Ice Strippers!
Rev. Timmy
keeps calling them "Ice Hookers" and we just know that's gonna lead to a hilarious (for us) and painful (for him, tee hee) interaction of some sort. Heck, if he keeps up the way he's been going, there might even be a story on the front page of the paper (Just think, hockey (sort of) on the front page of the paper!)

Here's some Ice Girls, not to be confused with either Ice Strippers or Ice Hookers, as they perform the very important task of clearing off the snow from the rink and skating around in mini-skirts.
Oh, and using shovels! Hubba hubba!
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/multimedia/photo_gallery/0802/nhl.ice.girls/content.1.html

Merry
Hockey to all!

And
to all a good Hockeyyyyyy!

See youse guys on January 5th! Now we gotta finish (start) our Christmas shopping.
Can a 4 year old wear a Men's size small hockey sweater or should we sew the neck and arm holes shut and call it a sleeping bag?

God rest ye merry gentle Scotty.

(Dave came up with that one years ago.
Still fun though.)
*That's "Rasta" skank, not "skeezy girl" skank, in case you're interested. Sheesh, give Miss Lindsey a break. Remember what a knucklehead you were back when you were 20 years old? And I bet way back then Meryl Streep never called you a great young actor, did she? We're betting you weren't even cool enough to look for Prince Far I records. Too busy with your 12 sided die and your +12 Charisma, we're guessing.

Monday, December 8, 2008

New York Islanders at Philadelphia Flyers - 7pm - Tues - 9 Dec 2008

If it seems as though we've been slacking off a bit from our Hockey Night in Chinatown duties lately, we just want to reassure you that our people are hard at work behind the scenes to make a better Hockey world for you.

We dispatched agent provocateur and general Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker pain-in-the-ass Rev. Timmy James off to Raleigh, NC to aid Jet Black Richard Bacchus (Subcommandante in Charge of Southeastern Division Hockey Destruction DCHS*) in an (overly) elaborate plot to cripple the Southeast Division by the dunking of turkeys in boiling oil (a little Medieval, perhaps, but so moist, so tender, so tasty!) Some small measure of success was achieved in orchestrating the firing of Peter Laviolette, Coach of the Hurricanes, who was then replaced by Paul Maurice, who's first stint coaching them started back when they were The Hartford Whalers. So that's a start. Sorta. I guess.
http://www.myspace.com/richardbacchus
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/12/04/sports/hockey/04nhl.html?ref=sports

Otherwise, Saké Mike has been engaged in extensive talks with some "law folks" who owed him some "favors" (we don't really know what he does for those people, and we don't wanna) about getting Hockey Night in Chinatown reclassified as a bank holding company so we could get a piece of that sweet, sweet $700 billion (and more!) government bailout pie (yum!) Failing that, we're going to ride down to Washington in the HNIC't Executive Attack Helicopter (we've converted it to run on kitten blood, a renewable resource) and ask Congress for some dough as we've run HNIC't at least as ineptly as GM, Chrysler or Ford. We'll admit to being at a bit of a disadvantage as we have never even considered anything as dastardly as the 1978 Mustang II (the motor on that thing had half metric and half english fasteners. Diabolical!) In our favor is the fact that if Congress makes us change our salaries to a dollar a year it'll be a big raise for all of us.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/11/20/AR2008112001459.html

Upon Dave Guadalahorowitz's post-Thanksgiving return to the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker Graphic Design Dojo, and after a nap or two, he did manage to put together a Photoshop brush/mask macro that made Sean Avery go even more batshit (if you think that's easy, you just ain't payin' attention none.) For those of you keeping track, calling an ex-girlfriend "sloppy seconds" is officially almost one third as bad as smashing Ryan Hollweg in the face with a hockey stick on purpose (those numbers have not been adjusted for inflation.)
He also happened to whip together this week's ultra barbaric and spiffy flyer (with all apologies and propers to Frank Frazzeta.)
If the goalie stick looks familiar, it's a picture of Gump Worsley's from his days as a Hab.
http://www.cbc.ca/sports/hockey/story/2008/12/05/avery-suspension-stars.html

http://sports.espn.go.com/nhl/news/story?id=2794638

So wipe off that stuff that makes sloppy seconds so sloppy (ewwwww!), hop in that prototype electric car you've been telling everyone it's completely impossible to make and whirr on down to...
Hockey
Night in Chinatown
member FDIC (fingers crossed!)
Fontanas

105 Eldridge St.

(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)

Tuesday - 9 December, 2008

from 7:00pm till we've drained all the kittens (not a euphemism.)

This week:

The New York Islanders at the Philadelphia Flyers


A Super Duper Special Hockey Night in Chinatown Congratulations go out to our buddies Jeff, Lisa and Lula Grand who welcomed Juniper Grand to this world on Friday, the 75th Anniversary of the Repeal of Prohibition (a very important day around the HNIC't Corporate Bunker, believe you me. We made a big piñata of Andrew Volstead and filled it with tiny liquor bottles. )
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andrew_Volstead

It's time to do your civic duty as a good hockey citizen and go vote for the NHL All Star Team (Rev. Timmy had a little trouble proving to the site he was human. Why does most every one of that guy's interactions with computers end in screaming, broken glass and, often, a small fire?)
We here at HNIC't recommend writing in Jiri Hudler from the Wings for the West, the boy has been on fire of late and the noggin on that kid is of Giant Scary Mardi Gras Parade Mask immensity.

For the East we are endorsing a write-in for Bruins' Goalie Tim Thomas, he's got some crazy sick numbers this year and was born in Flint, MI hometown of our own Saké Mike. Now we all hate the Bruins (and are all scared of Saké Mike), but if you're hesitant to vote for a B for the NHL All Star Team Eastern Goalie we've got two words for you: Gerry Cheevers.
http://fanballoting.nhl.com/vote

If that doesn't convince you, we've got three more words for you:
Bears Playing Hockey!
http://withleather.uproxx.com/?p=11863

Dave Guadalahorowitz surprised us all with that one. We all thought the only things he did on the internet were steal copywrited art for our flyers and watch porn (Huh, you think you know a guy.)
If this is the result of one of his Google Porn Searchs, we don't wanna know.

You can check out the Hockey Night in Chinatown NHL All Star Votes on the blog (What? You've never been? Shame on you.)
http://hnict.blogspot.com/

Those Bears are Playing

Hockey!!!!!!!!!!

Dude, seriously, those bears are really playing hockey.
(Man, who's the poor bastard who has to put all those ice skates on all those bears?
Seems like that job would use up a lot of Bactine.)

*Die Confederate Hockey Scum

Scotty, those bears are playing hockey.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Hockey Night in Chinatown NHL All Star Votes

Below we present the votes of our illustrious and/or infamous bosses for the NHL All Star Teams.
Take them as sound, well reasoned council or as hilarious fodder for one of those perpetually forwarded "Check this out" emails (Around the HNIC't Corporate Bunker the latter is getting a lot of play.)

Rev. Timmy's Votes



Dave Guadalahorowitz's Votes

Monday, November 17, 2008

Minnesota Wild at Pittsburgh Penguins - 7pm - Tuesday - 18 November 2008

In keeping with the overall international flavor of Hockey Night in Chinatown this week we are saluting Hispanic Heritage History Month which was officially back in September when we had barely chased all the raccoons out of the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker ( stupid crafty raccoons!) Perhaps surprisingly (or perhaps not, really we have no guess as to what goes on in the minds of our subscribers. Little interest, neither.) there's a healthy handful of serious hockey folk who hail from South of the Border (lazy Mexicans, taking all of our jobs!) There's Raffi Torres who now skates for the Blue Jackets and Alvaro "Al" Montoya who was drafted 6th overall in 2004 by our very own Rangers only to be traded to Phoenix for the personnel equivalent of a hand full of beans. Not even magical beans. Right here in town with the Isles is Bill Guerin whose momma is Nicaraguan, and of course the Rangers have good old Scotty Gomez.
http://www.centralhockeyleague.com/pressroom/index.html?article_id=328


By far, however, our favorite hockey personality of hispanic descent (patent pending) is Hockey Night in Chinatown's very own Peppy. His dedication and devotion to Hockey Night in Chinatown has given us one of the greatest gifts we could ever have: Coming out regularly to drink beer and listen to records and watch hockey at Fontanas on Tuesday nights. Doesn't sound like much? Well, why haven't we seen you there? (Oh right, work-kids-wives-homes-outta-town, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.)

On top of that, he's been bouncing in and out of the top spot in the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker Fantasy Hockey League since we started the thing. Michigan born (Flint, Michigan born, thank you very much) Saké Mike started strong but seems on his way down to meet his fellow rust-belter Rev. Timmy at the bottom (and his grandparents were from Peterborough.) Grosse Pointe native Mike Jay, solidly in third, is the only fella from anywhere near Hockeytown to get his fantasy on (but he's got a wife and babies to go home to. Hmmm, maybe we should rethink makin' fun of that.) Still, it's a shame to see all that Irish-German-Midwest-Cracker Paleness go to waste, don't you think.
http://hockey.fantasysports.yahoo.com/hockey/10512

Also, this last weekend Saké Mike claims that Peppy was personally responsible for Hank Lundqvist's stellar save on Patrice Bergeron's shoot-out shot by Pep wearing his Lundqvist sweater to the game and carrying on like some sort of Puerto Rican goalie cheering machine. In fact after they got back from the game Saké Mike burst into the HNIC't Corporate Bunker, chased all the single(ish) women out of the Graphic Design Dojo, stood in front of Dave Guadalahorowitz, pointed a finger in his face and yelled "Hockey Baditos!"

Dave
was so taken aback he had to pause his Apple TV.
Of course then he had to manufacture the above flyer.
(Just so you know, Guadalahorowitz has barely anything to do with Dave, let alone hockey or hispanics.)

The single(ish) ladies eventually filtered back in. Unhurt, but visibly shaken.

So sneak across the border, make like some manner of unkind ethnically stereotypical legume and hop into...
Noche del hockey en Chiñatown

Fontañas
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Martes - November 18, 2008
from 7:00pm till we bust open a dodgeball kid like a piñata (that's right, the dodgeball kids are back. ¡Olé!)
This week:
The Minñesota Wild at the Pittsburgh Peñguins
(sorry, we were just excited to find the thing that made the wavy line thingy above the n)



Also, Fontanas is laying in a whole bunch of Tecate.

¡
Arrrrrrrrriba Hockeyyyyyy!

Or something like that. We just kinda crammed the usual stuff into Babel Fish.
http://babelfish.yahoo.com/


Scotty, le amamos.

Monday, November 10, 2008

HNIC't - (No, really!) - Penguins at Red Wings - 7pm - Tue - 11 November 2008

After a couple false starts, one boondoggle, one non-hockey related election, (Oh really? Why should we care? Who's gonna do more for hockey? The old guy from Arizona who spent five years in a Viet Cong tiger cage? The guy who grew up in Hawaii and Indonesia who's father is Kenyan? We'll save our voting for the NHL All Star Game, thank you very much) we've finally got our mojo working and are ready to kick off this season of Hockey Night in Chinatown.

Just like the Pens started (and may well end) the season without Gonchar and the Wings started without Z'berg, we're gonna be down a pivotal player at the git-go our own damn selves. After a particularly unsatisfying (ugh, don't ask) Bad Brains show last week, Saké Mike became more apoplectic and rage-filled than usual (or seemed, until last week, even humanly, or even inhumanly, possible.) It's took the entire Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker Staff and the gentle yet persistent, urging of Mrs. Saké Mike to get him into a live animal cargo cage (think Jurassic Park Velociraptor Cage) and ship him off to relax in Puerto Rico. Alas, right before we got the door all the way closed, he pulled two of our new interns in after him, so I have some very uncomfortable letters to write to some soon to be very sad parents. Dave Guadalahorowitz got some really nice pics, but we have been advised not to release them till all pending investigations and civil suits are concluded. This will probably be about the same time as the Maple Leafs win The Stanley Cup again.

Not to worry! Saké Mike'll be back and sane(ish) for next week's HNIC't (actually, worrying seems like a really good idea.)

Dave Guadalahorowitz
has been crazy busy cranking out advertising stuff for, what he says is, the latest, newest and most advanced breakthough in breakfast food since the waffle. Though more than that he will not say. Also he seems very bummed out due to the recent passing of a dear, dear friend of his who had held on, productively too, for much longer than anyone expected.
http://gizmodo.com/5082385/this-is-my-farewell-transmission-from-mars

Rev. Timmy
was at the same Crappy Bad Brains show as Saké Mike, but he just retreated to the catwalks above the workshop and only comes down to take 2 hour long showers, collect his mail (pornography and hockey mags mostly, sometimes both in one) and restock on bourbon and elk jerkey (teriyaki style), all the while moping around like some kid who got touched by his uncle in an ABC After School Special. We sent one of our (remaining) interns up to see what the Reverend has going on way up there and he returned excitedly babbling on and on about some badly mutilated life-size wax figure of Gary Bettmann and how much cheddar cheese there was "Just lyin' all around the place. Just lyin' around."
http://www.firebettman.com/

So wait, that makes a total of three shitty letters for me to write, right? Probably more legal stuff from that too.
Criminy.

So use those eerily human-like hands of yours to open your cage, turn your solar panels toward the sun (Dave! Dude! It's named "Phoenix!") and point your tracks over the horizon to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown

Fontanas

105 Eldridge St.

(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)

Tuesday - November 11, 2008

from 7:00pm till we all truly remember the end of the first War to End All Wars (No mail or banks open, neither.)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Armistice_Day

This week:

The Pittsburgh Penguins at the Detroit Red Wings


Also, this week in Hockey Night in Chinatown Approved Social Activities:
Patrick "Salt" Ryan is very proud to present:
Acoustalyptico

Slip of a Girl

http://www.slipofagirl.com/

Patrick Salt Ryan

http://www.myspace.com/patricksaltryan

The Reverend Timmy James

http://www.myspace.com/revtimmy

Tulipss

http://www.myspace.com/tulipss


9pm (sharp, dammit! none of your dawdling!)

Thursday 13 November 2008

Bar On A

170 Ave A at 11th St.

FREE!


We were gonna send this to Dave Guadalahorowitz to cheer him up until we realized that he sent it to us. Maybe he has forgotten. Rev. Timmy would have (over the summer Saké Mike tricked The Rev. into getting something like sixteen tetanus booster shots. That just can't be good.)
http://www.thelocal.se/15138.html

Goodbye Reg Dunlop
You will be missed!

Saké Mike says that Old Reg has just gone off to coach the Minnesota Night Hawks in the Iron League.



Scotty, we love you.

Happy Birthday Mike Jay!


Paul Newman, we love you.

Hey, we know that was a while ago, but we were saving it for our first HNIC't.

Oh yeah? Well where's your email/blog tribute to Paul Newman?

And how badly did you infringe on Universal Pictures' and the Berkley Publishing Corporations' intellectual property rights to pull it off?

While we're on the subject, where's your crappy hockey party that nobody ever comes to but is still pretty goddamn fun for everybody who does show up?

You've got a lot of nerve there, fella.

Lotta nerve.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Halloween Night in Chinatown

Well with the current financial tomfoolery down on Wall Street making most everyone poor enough to vote Democrat and none of you upstanding citizens coming down to see us at Hockey Night in Chinatown we've had to do a little extra fund raising on our own.
Dave, Rev. Timmy and Saké Mike have gone off to aid some friends of theirs in a little side project.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/7650415.stm


They won't be back until 11 November when we'll set things off proper with the Pittsburgh Penguins at the Detroit Red Wings.
Word is Saké Mike's enjoying it so much he may stay an extra week.

Also, we're having a bake sale. If you'd like to contribute baked goods, just slide them in a manila envelope and mail them to:

Fontanas

105 Eldridge St.

(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)


Meanwhile why don't you, I don't know, watch hockey?
http://www.versus.com/nhl/



swly

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

CMJIC't - 8pm - Tues - Oct. 21, 2008


CMJ is in town and the folks at Fontanas decided they'd rather make some money and keep the bar open than watch us all grab-ass around while the Bruins and the Sabres skate around on the TV.
So shave off that soul patch or somebody might mistake you for a music journalist (more on the hazards of being mistaken for a music journalist below.)
http://www.fontanasnyc.com/shows.html


Not to worry, though, Dave Guadalahorowitz and Rev. Timmy will be flying the Hockey Night in Chinatown flag high. But they'll be up in the DJ booth in the back, not conveniently perched in front of the TV at the bar (with Fontanas opening it's doors to the public, they thought it best to have the boys, you know, concealed.)

Come on by though, there is a good chance you'll get to see Dave and Rev. Timmy force feeding some poor sophomore from Northwestern the entire CD catalogue of Teenage Fanclub or Pavement while cranking Astroqueen at bone-rubberizing volume.

At least until the F'tanaz folk tell 'em to cut it out.

In fact, misdemeanor assault is so likely that they're not even taking bets at the OTB (they're also not giving action on Rev. Timmy falling down the stairs or spilling beer on someone.)

So slip on that Arcade Fire T-shirt, make sure you've got your favorite badge holder thingy to wear around your neck and slack your way down to...
Fontanas

http://www.fontanasnyc.com/
105 Eldridge St.

(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)

Tuesday - October 21, 2008

from 8pm-1am


Saké Mike
dug up some stuff to help keep those music scribblers at bay.
That's his home town buddy Scott Carlson on the bass there (we think.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cpQJMnVrBIs

Careful, this website will laugh at you. Or scream at you.
http://www.deathbreath.se/


C
MJ

It's just like Hockey!

It is if you do it right, anyway.

Oh! Right! Hockey! Here's Sid the Kid's 100th goal, 200th assist and 300th point.
The bank is open!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQDuWpWYEbQ





swly



* Flyer? We don't need no stinking flyer!

Monday, October 13, 2008

Obama-Rama, Homina, Homina! - Tues - 7pm-11pm Oct, 14, 2008 (HNIC't delayed is HNIC't denied)


With the New York Stock Exchange plummeting faster than the Maple Leaf's playoff chances (we've got a pool around here as to what day in November the Leafs will be out of the running) things around the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker have been a tad more frantic and disorganized than usual (no mean feat.)

Rev. Timmy's investment strategy went from a strong position in Hockey related companies (Amalgamated Tooth, LLC , Canadian Blood Replacement Products, Zamboni Corp.) to a portfolio of almost entirely handgun ammunition, tear gas, dehydrated baked beans and little green army men (not in stocks, mind you, but the actual items. Charlene can barely make it to the fax machine due to several boxes of SuperBean! Spicy Style and a big bag of German Light Infantry cluttering up the reception area.) There is some talk around the water cooler that the Reverend's actions are not in response to the Stock Market, but a typically childish reaction to him being well in last place in the HNIC't Corporate Bunker Fantasy Hockey League.
http://hockey.fantasysports.yahoo.com/hockey/10512

Dave Guadalahorowitz's
response to these trying economic times is somewhat more moderate. He spent all week tinkering with a 1973 XB GT Ford Falcon Coupe and glueing feathers to football shoulder pads.
Nothing says, "I'm ready for the end of times" like a car with right hand drive and a blower.
http://www.madmaxmovies.com/cars/mad-max-interceptor/index.html

Saké Mike
has taken his wife and barricaded himself in a deluxe executive suite in a Comfort Inn in Hackensack, NJ and explained that "If the wheels come off our entire economic system, the last place anyone will notice will be "The Sack."

So we're all a bit too preoccupied around here to get HNIC't together.

Not to fear! The fine folks down at Fontanas and Heeb Magazine have gotten together an Obama Fundraiser for a measly $50 you can enjoy Stand Up Comedy, DJ's, Live Music and...
(wait for it...)
Open Bar!
(Shhhhhhh. Last time someone said "Open Bar" around here, Rev. Timmy ran right through a sliding glass door, smashed several items of (borrowed) patio furniture and ruined about a dozen and a half deviled eggs.)
http://www.heebmagazine.com/events/view/57

So pour some boiling water in your factory sealed bag of beans, mix in the flavour powder™ and come on down to...
Obama
-rama!

Fontanas

http://www.fontanasnyc.com/events.html
105 Eldridge St.

(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)

Tuesday - October 14, 2008

from 7pm-11pm


Till then, why not ponder the fact that John McCain has the same first name as a guy who used to dress up like a clown and then rape and murder little boys.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Wayne_Gacy

Just sayin'.

The Devil is
inside the eggs!

And the eggs
are inside me!!!!!

Rev. Timmy spied the words "Open Bar" on my screen from across the room and now there's Spicy Style flavour powder ™ all over the place.
And there go the sprinklers.
Great.

swly

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Last chance for HNIC't Fantasy Hockey

Hey folks! When we got into the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker it turned out we had left two of our Cray XT5 Supercomputers playing Dig Dug against each other all summer.
As a happy side effect we accidentally figured out a solution to this whole The-housing-boom-will-never-stop-so-lets-give mortgages-to-who-the-hell-ever-cause-what-could-go-wrong-wait-whoops-where-the-hell-did-my-bank-go Big Giant Government Bailout thingy.

Just give $2 million dollars to every man, woman and child in the United States.

That would only cost about $600 million or so compared to the $700 BILLION they're trying to get Congress to pony up.
(Wait, where does Congress get their money? )

That would give us $699 or so BILLION we could spend on bombing people that hurt our feelings (or we think may possibly hurt our feeling in the future.)

Speaking of folks that may (nay, invariably shall) very likely hurt our feelings (along with our bones and/or organs), Rev. Timmy still has some room in his Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker Fantasy Hockey League. It's totally free and nobody really knows what's going on (least of all, Commissioner Rev. Timmy) and it would do us a real solid if you cats could sorta, you know, soak up some of his extra time.
(Heck, even Dave's doing it.)

The draft is automatic, but it'll go off at 5pm on Wednesday, October 1st (or whenever he gets up.)

Three more days then (!!!!!!!!!):
Rangers v. Lightning in Prague

12pm ET on MSG

Penguins v. Senators in Stockholm

2:30pm ET on NHL Network (used to be free on Direct TV, but who knows?)

Ohhhhhh, baby! We can taste it!

Reg Dunlop, we love you!

Friday, September 5, 2008

Fantasy Hockey League - Fun! Profit! Violence!

In an ongoing effort to keep Rev. Timmy's tiny, evil, raccoon-like paws busy (so eerily human!), we've decided to make him Commissioner for Life of the
Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker Fantasy Hockey League (he can't possibly be noticeably worse than Bettman.) And seeing as he's alienated
most everyone here in the Bunker both generally and personally, we are appealing to our loyal subscribers to flesh out the ranks.

So c'mon folks, if'n you can't make it all the way down to Fontanas in Chinatown in any regular fashion, why not stay involved by running your own Hockey Team
(if you're afraid of doing it badly, you can name your team after a place in the South DCHS.)

The Winner gets their likeness on a flyer and a mention in the email!
Whoever comes in last gets their likeness on 2 (!!!) flyers and mentioned in 3 emails!

So Join Up!
Just send a note to Rev. Timmy and he'll send you an invite.


Sign up now
or the Terrorists Win!
Or the Southeast Division, whoever you're more scared of.



swly
DCHS


HNIC't - Pre-Labor Day Über Rokkfest - Saturday - 10:30 or 11pm or so - 30 August 2008

No it's not hockey season yet (35 days and counting!)

And no, exhibition season doesn't count at all
(do you count the stuff on Cinemax as porn? You do?!
Well then you're hooked up to the wrong internet, fella.)

Heck, we're not even in the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker yet.
(We rent the joint out as a Fat Camp in the summer and it's full of pudgy children right now. Ugh.)

Anyway, Dave Guadalahorowitz and Rev. Timmy will be deejaying (to be generous) on Saturday at:

Fontanas

105 Eldridge St.

(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)

Saturday - August 30, 2008

from 10:30 or 11pm 'til the wee foursies.


Saké Mike even threatened to show up.
And we've learned to take his threats seriously.
Deadly seriously.
(Not a pun.)

Happy Labor Day!
Hey, we're not even on duty, you're lucky you got the giant colored text above let alone a half assed flyer.

swly

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Detroit Red Wings Win the Stanley Cup!

Goodness Gracious! Our Hockey Night in Chinatown Pretzel Handle Beer Cup flow'eth over.
Greatest Congratulations to the Stanley Cup Winning Detroit Red Wings! (Saké Mike was seen late into the wee hours boogying down in his new Nik Lidstrom Sweater.)
Sincerest Condolences to the Pittsburgh Penguins (Rev. Timmy is taking clear fluids* and resting comfortably.)

Dave even whipped up the most Detroit-y-est flyer possible. Sure we coulda put Gordie, or Yzerman or even the guys who won the Cup themselves, but this is Hockey Night in Chinatown, baby!
If we don't zig when we should zag, what, really, is the freakin' point?
(Wait, there's a point?)

Now we have to set about the arduous task of moth-balling the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker for the summertime.
We've gotta thaw and drain all the rinks, drink all the beer (no problem), hide all the porn, put the cover on the Atomic Voodoo Hockey Death Ray, find homes for all our poisonous sea anemones, set off a few bug bombs and oil up the 11 foot blast doors real good so we can get back in this fall.

Thanks for coming out, when you could, and for not canceling your email subscription.
All the best to you and yours this summer. Drink lots of water. Keep that sunscreen on. Wear a big floppy hat. Try not to pass out in the sun.
We're hoping to be back in October with more Rangers, Penguins, Red Wings, Habs and Hockeeyyyyyyy!

Yay Red Wings!

Yay Hockey!!!

Only 121 days until Hockey Season starts!
(We put a counter on the website so you can keep track.)


Stanley Cup, we love you. We especially love you when you go somewhere we love. Like where Scotty is.


*Vodka, Tequila

Monday, May 19, 2008

No Hockey Night in Chinatown, but peace on Earth, Good will toward men. Joy and light throughout the Universe.

Well after all the horrible earthquakes, (no doubt some knucklehead southern preacher thinks God did that to them just 'cause they're Chinese, or gay.) past travesties of Cup Champions ( Carolina? Anahiem? Tampa Bay? Criminy!) and crappy movies starring Jet Li and Jackie Chan, it turns out there is a God and he loves HOCKEY!

But, alas, not Hockey Night in Chinatown (really, can you blame the dude? I mean, we ride that cat's ass hard. Not without good reason I might add. Platypuses, anyone?)

'Cause there ain't no hockey on Tuesday night.

And it follows directly that there's no Hockey Night in Chinatown (see how that goes? No? Next time we'll show our work.)

So lay in a whole mess of beer, lock your wife and children out of the house, recline your Lay-z-boy a click or two and get ready for...

Saturday 7:30pm The Pittsburgh Penguins at the Detroit Red Wings
Game 1 of the Stanley Cup Final.


It really doesn't look good for another Hockey Night in Chinatown, but maybe we can shuffle things around a bit (stranger things have happened. Much stranger, more horrifying and considerably stickier things happen here in the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker all the time.)
Keep watching the skies!!! (again, what is it with that?)

At least we've got us a proper Cup Final Series, with proper teams from places that have snow and ice.
Oh, and hockey!

Let's Go Wings!!!

Let's Go Pens!!!

This year, Evil*, will not prevail.

Scotty, we love you.




*Make no mistake, we do love Evil, just not that weak-ass, confederate, expansion team, Stanley Cup going anywhere we don't have T-shirts from kind of Evil.
Or really anywhere Scotty Bowman didn't coach.

Evil, we love you.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Pittsburgh Penguins at Philadelphia Flyers - 7:30pm Tues May 13, '08

[ Due to certain unforeseen circumstances (Rev. Timmy got all riled up on Labatt Blue, mostly because Miss Keeeeely's not gonna be bar tending at Hockey Night in Chinatown 'cause she got some sort of grown-up job, and locked himself in the boiler room with a boom box blaring My Bloody Valentine's "Loveless" over and over and eventually emerged and held one of our interns hostage with a 16-penny Senco Pneumatic Nailgun ) we have been forced to send out the template for our Hockey Night in Chinatown dispatches. So here it is. Now you can make your own. (Geez, we never thought we'd miss Saké Mike, but apparently he's the only one Timmy's afraid of. Dave just kinda eggs him on and takes pictures for his blog.)]



1) This is where you write stuff about what's going on in the NHL, sorta.



2) Then you write some funny stuff about:


a) Dave fooling with his iPhone.

b) Saké Mike hurting somebody. Or baking.

c) Rev. Timmy engaging in some uncouth activity under diminished capacity of some sort.


So get your [Something from paragraph 1] and [Something from paragraph 2] on down to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown

Fontanas

105 Eldridge St.

(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)

Tuesday - May 13, 2008

from 7:30pm till [Some dopey thing related to paragraph 1 or 2 ]

This week:

The Pittsburgh Penguins at the Philadelphia Flyers

Game 3 of the Eastern Conference Finals, Pens lead 2-0


More dopey drivel about hockey, or occasionally a show announcement.
Thusly:


Our good buddy Patrick Ryan is playing Bar On A Wednesday night. 9pm.
http://www.myspace.com/patricksaltryan

And often a Youtube clip of something hockey related, but just as often not.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yw4_0tc1LWo

[ Also throughout the email you should make words appear in bold.]

Then you finish it all of with:

Big Words

Go
Here!

Smaller, snarkier words go here.

Scotty, we love you always goes here.

pUNK, we love you goes here just this once. But we always love pUNK. Get well soon!



[ See? It's easy! ]

Monday, May 5, 2008

No Hockey 'till Thursday, Phew.

Alas, the Rangers are out in 5, after playing a giant hearted 3rd period and OT on Sunday afternoon against the Penguins. We had to wrap a cold, wet towel around Rev. Timmy's head during that one and even so, he ended up swallowing an ashtray and rolling around on the floor like he was maced (wait, did we mace him or not? It's so hard to keep track of who's getting maced around here.) Heck, Dave even complained of palpitations and couldn't finish his chicken parm sandwich (when he couldn't finish his sandwich, we called the doctor immediately.)

We thought we would never get the boys to bed when the Stars and the Sharks decided to go for 4 Overtime periods. That's a whole 'nother hockey game and a bit.
Just as the boys were getting cranky ("I'm not tired!) Brett Morrow's PP goal finished off the Sharks and Dallas was on to the next round.

Which doesn't start until Thursday.

So get some rest, visit with your family and maybe take a shower (Dude, take a shower.)

We'll be back next Tuesday with the Pens vs. the Flyers (Boooooooooooo!Hissssssss!)


Scotty, we love you.

Monday, April 28, 2008

No Hockey Night in Chinatown due to technical difficulties.

After Monday's loss by the Canadiens to the Flyers (Flyers up in series 2-1), Rev. Timmy filled a garbage can with human waste (where does he get all that stuff? does he save his own?) and Semtex (where in the HELL does he get THAT stuff!!??) and set the whole thing off in the middle of the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker Master Control Room. He then piloted one of our hot-rodded Zamboni Ice Resurfacing Machines down the hallway from the Hockey Night in Chinatown Ice Rink Complex and Bulk Beer Storage Facility (a rather remarkable feat of fine hand-eye coordination for a gentleman in such an agitated state, believe you me) and crashed it into the Hockey Night in Chinatown Reception Desk (luckily Charlene was getting a Snapple Iced Tea at the time), the then exploded the propane tanks, filling most of the rest of the office area in dirty snow and hot, jagged Zamboni pieces (oh, and more curiously, little green plastic army men.)

With Saké Mike out of town and Dave too busy with real work to help, we all headed for the exits and sealed the 11 foot blast doors behind us.

As we all ran to our cars we heard, at excruciating volume, the following booming out from the air vents.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Bju6m5LHdCw

Tomorrow it's Pens at Rangers at 7pm and Wings at the Avs at 10:30.

We're all gonna go over to Charlene's and watch it there.
She's gonna make Chex Mix and celery with peanut butter inside.
Yum!

See ya next week.
We hope.


Scotty, we love you.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Philadelphia Flyers at Washington Capitals - Game 7 - Tues -22 April '08

Whew.
A couple of our teams did just peachy in the first round of the Playoffs ( Pens swept Sens, Rangers spanked The Devils.) But, we kinda ran into a bit of a snag there when Rev. Timmy tried to use the Atomic Voodoo Hockey Deathray to make S'mores and got it all gooey.
http://www.hersheys.com/smores/
That made it much harder for the Wings to top the Predators ( 4 - 2 ) and the Habs had a dickens of a time with their frequent playoff nemesis, the Boston Bruins. But our interns down at the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker all pulled together, fired up the pressure-washer and got the good old Deathray spic and span in time to aid the Canadiens in Keeeeeerushing the Bruins, 5 goals to 0 (that's zero, none, nil, zilch, nada, nufin', rien!) The other prong of our, uh, two pronged, talismanic, imaginary, superstitious support for Montréal was contributed by Dave, who whipped up the luckiest .jpg (also, least offensive) we've ever had the good fortune to have taped up all over the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker Master Control Room (Note to self: remind Charlene to order more copier paper.)

After the Habs won Rev. Timmy (rather predictably, if you ask me) danced around the Bunker wearing all 14 of his Montréal Shirts at once screaming in French (pointless language class stuff like "Where is the library?" and "My father is an accountant from Algeirs.")
While he was busy doing that, we recalled we hadn't seen our good buddy and bar mistress Miss Keeeely in a couple weeks, so we aimed the Atomic Voodoo Hockey Deathray at the Flyers vs. Capitals game to make the Caps come back and force a Game 7 on Tuesday night.

So grab your graham crackers, marshmallows and chocolate bars and hike on down to...
Hockey
Night in Chinatown

Fontanas

105 Eldridge St.

(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)

Tuesday - 22 April '08

from 7:00pm till everyone is brown on the outside and a little gooey (ok, gooier.)

The Philadelphia Flyers at the Washington Capitals, Game 7


As a special consumer protection service we here at Hockey Night in Chinatown must warn you against knocking yourself out to see The Forbidden Kingdom.
Though it was not without it's charms (Monkey King, White Haired Witch, crazy archery stuff, reasonable fighting) it was a little heavy on the "dorky loser kid triumphs over evil by watching lots of kung fu movies and believing in himself" stuff.
Rev. Timmy loved it and spent all of Sunday night looking for a secret passage to another realm in the back of one of the equipment lockers.

The First Round's almost over.

Get ready for round Two!

Where the girlish shrieking is doubled!

Scotty, we love you.

Monday, April 14, 2008

WEDNESDAY! - Devils at Rangers - Red Wings at Predators - Wed. 16 April '08

We here at Hockey Night in Chinatown all thought that Jet Li said he was not going to do any more medieval era kung fu flicks. And to his credit he managed to stop for a couple movies there. But really that's like saying that Rev. Timmy had quit drinking just because he had passed out (in his own filth) on the Master Control Panel in the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker Control Room.
Still we are totally going to see his new flick. Jet Li! Jackie Chan! A Bounty Hunter Witch with White Hair!??? Goddamn Muther-bug-fuckin'-A right!
http://www.forbiddenkingdommovie.com/

This week we're back, but due to various reasons too complicated and embarrassing to go into here (imagine that!) we're going to have Hockey Night in Chinatown on Wednesday. We can't watch the Canadiens play at Fontanas tomorrow, and Rev. Timmy really wants to wear his Sean Avery shirt for a Rangers Game. Especially when Sean's just had a special rule made just for him.
http://www.cbc.ca/sports/hockey/story/2008/04/14/avery-nhl-rule.html?ref=rss

Since none of you cats ever come out anyway (all you stupid jerks, living in your stupid jerk out of the city houses, getting up and going to your stupid jerk jobs to make stupid jerk futures for your stupid jerk families, Oh, speaking of which, special HNIC't congratulations to Grant and Andrea and little Johnny for the newest, littlest Ward: June Grace!!!!) we don't anticipate this being much of a hassle (well, we're not going to get to see the delightful Miss Keeeeely this week, sigh.)

Also it seems like the Rangers and the Red Wings might just need us to cheer, and drink, extra hard.

So Jet (Li) on down and come see all the stupid hockey jerks at...
Hockey Night in Chinatown

Fontanas

105 Eldridge St.

(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)

WEDNESDAY - 16 April '08

from 7:00pm till everyone is passed out (in their own or each others filth) on the Master Control Panel

The New Jersey Devils at the New York Rangers

then (!!!)

The Detroit Red Wings at the Nashville Predators


Also kicking it around town this week will be instigator extrodinaire Richard Bacchus (and his lovely wife Shelby) who're in town for a bit of a mini D Generation Re-Generation at the new John Varvatos Store where CBGB's used to be.
http://www.vh1.com/partners/save_the_music/what_is_going_on/major_events.html


Apparently they are going to Save the Music. Well, uh, great! Good luck.

Here's a flick from Halo 3 that Dave thought was funny. And seeing as he did such a nifty job on this week's flyer, he's right!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KicJSFEgB_U

Suck
it, Ottawa!

Your ass is gettin' swept.

Call now to get a Thursday morning tee-off time.


Scotty, we love you.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

No Hockey 'till Wed means no Hockey Night in Chinatown

Here's the only footage Dave took on our trip to Montréal to celebrate Tom Vaught's Birthday (and Timmy is convinced, to personally help the Canadiens finish in 1st place in the Eastern Conference) that it is safe to show on the internet.

That's Tom in the sunglasses.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YevYBsShxNs

See ya next week.

Go Rangers!

Go Pens!

Go Habs!

Go Wings!

Go (Your team here, so long as they made the playoffs)!

Go Hockeyyyyyyyyyy!


swly

Monday, March 31, 2008

New Jersey Devils at New York Islanders - 7pm - 1 April '08

We're all a little tuckered out around the ol' Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker today. We were all up late Sunday night to ring in Gordie "Mr. Hockey" Howe's 80th Birthday. We then went straight from those festivities to hustle Saké Mike and the lovely and talented Mrs. Saké Mike (name withheld at family's request. Give the girl a break, for Pete's sake, she married Mike) onto a Hockey Night in Chinatown Executive Attack Helicopter and off to, what he was led to believe, a visit to the Puerto Rico Hockey Hall of Fame for his Birthday (April 1st, no fooling!) In actuality she was taking him off to a yoga retreat to eat mangoes, detoxify, relax by the pool, do some snorkeling and generally recharge his batteries for the playoffs. No doubt he will come back with a clarity of mind and a nimbleness of foot that will make his return to us a truly harrowing experience. Saké Mike's revitalized cruelty of spirit will, no doubt, have us continually looking over our shoulders and picking sunburned skin flakes out of our coffee for well into the second round of the playoffs (he's got a big Tupperware Bowl he saves skin flakes in. And not just his own!)

So quit your (April) fooling around and flake out down at...
Hockey Night in Chinatown

Fontanas

105 Eldridge St.

(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)

Tuesday - April 1 '08

from 7:00pm till King Charles IX decrees we quit grab-assing around and go the hell home.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/April_fool%27s#Origin

This week:

The New Jersey Devils at the New York Islanders


This coming weekend a merry band of gentlemen (men of cruelty, brigands, pirates, four-flushers and hooligans to the man) are off to deepest, darkest Montréal to celebrate our good buddy Tom Vaught's 40th Birthday (jeez there's birthdays all over the place. We should put a towel under the door or something.) And no doubt get some much needed first hand experience in the Quebec Provincial Correctional System. We're going to see the Leafs at the Canadiens for their last game of the regular season and Dave's bringing one of those remote control dog training collars in case Rev. Timmy goes berserk (bezerkier? more beserk?) starts screaming, "English Pigs!" and tries to bite some poor Leafs Fan (It makes no sense, his grandparents were from Peterbourough. Sigh.)
http://www.mightypets.com/product.asp?3=379


This'll be our last HNIC't of the regular season. Tuesday nights always get treated like a ten dollar hooker during the play-offs so stay tuned for updates and keep watching the skies!
Wait, what???...

Happy
Birthday Gordie!
Happy Birthday Saké Mike!
Happy
Birthday Tom Vaught!

(Why do we even bother doing this? He's never gonna see it.)
Happy Birthday Gary Bettman!

That last one's an April Fool's Joke and not because his birthday is June 2nd.
It's a joke because we hate him with a hatred so pure and hot you can't see the flame (careful there.)
http://www.firebettman.com/

Scotty, we love you.

(His birthday is September 18th.)

Monday, March 24, 2008

HNICt - Back at Fontanas - Pens at Devils - Flyers at Rangers - 7pm - 25 March '08

Apparently the good folks at Fontanas got their ice all cleaned up a day early.
They didn't get a Zamboni though.
Still, this is probably better than we deserve.
http://www.nicerink.com/resurfacers/

So, back to where we once belonged...
Hockey
Night in Chinatown

Fontanas

(probably also a Dutch farm long, long ago.)

105 Eldridge St.

(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)

Tuesday - March 18 '08

from 7:00pm till the ice gets all mushy and weird like in Anaheim.

This week:

The Pittsburgh Penguins at the New Jersey Devils

The Philadelphia Flyers at the New York Rangers


Stick and move, baby.

Stick and move.
SWLY

Sorta No HNIC't - Pens at Devils - Flyers at Rangers - 25 March '08


So they kicked us outta Fontanas this week so they could scrape all the cruddy, messed up ice off and lay down a thin layer of hot water that will quickly freeze, leaving a pristine playing surface to start the playoff portion of the season. If only there were a machine to do this quickly and easily during intermission leaving time for the Pee-wees to play for 9 minutes first. Even if some guy in California invented it back in the '40's.
http://www.zamboni.com/

More useful to us here at Hockey Night in Chinatown would be some sort of device to do the same thing to Rev. Timmy's Brain.

With the Habs and Pens both bouncing around first place in the Eastern Conference and the Rangers in the catbird seat to stomp whatever punk-ass team the Southeast Division coughs up, our Not-quite-right Rev. Timmy James has been extra excited (and therefore, extra, extra, troublesome) for the last week or so.

Anyway, if we can find a straight jacket that fits him and doesn't make him think his butt looks big we're gonna try and take him out to...
Arrow

(formerly The Rook, Big Lugz, 85A. Beneath what was formerly Kim's Video. Way before that it was a Dutch farm.)

85 Ave A - Downstairs

(btw 5th & 6th St.)

7pm till the guys with big butterfly nets come to get us.

The Pittsburgh Penguins at the New Jersey Devils

The Philadelphia Flyers at the New York Rangers


Call one of the boys first as Rev. Timmy can be very picky about what restraints he wears in public.
We had this great ball gag for him once, but he said it didn't match his eyes.

When the Gods
want to punish you

they grant
all your wishes.


Back at Fontanas next week.

Scotty, we love you.