Monday, March 31, 2008

New Jersey Devils at New York Islanders - 7pm - 1 April '08

We're all a little tuckered out around the ol' Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker today. We were all up late Sunday night to ring in Gordie "Mr. Hockey" Howe's 80th Birthday. We then went straight from those festivities to hustle Saké Mike and the lovely and talented Mrs. Saké Mike (name withheld at family's request. Give the girl a break, for Pete's sake, she married Mike) onto a Hockey Night in Chinatown Executive Attack Helicopter and off to, what he was led to believe, a visit to the Puerto Rico Hockey Hall of Fame for his Birthday (April 1st, no fooling!) In actuality she was taking him off to a yoga retreat to eat mangoes, detoxify, relax by the pool, do some snorkeling and generally recharge his batteries for the playoffs. No doubt he will come back with a clarity of mind and a nimbleness of foot that will make his return to us a truly harrowing experience. Saké Mike's revitalized cruelty of spirit will, no doubt, have us continually looking over our shoulders and picking sunburned skin flakes out of our coffee for well into the second round of the playoffs (he's got a big Tupperware Bowl he saves skin flakes in. And not just his own!)

So quit your (April) fooling around and flake out down at...
Hockey Night in Chinatown


105 Eldridge St.

(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)

Tuesday - April 1 '08

from 7:00pm till King Charles IX decrees we quit grab-assing around and go the hell home.

This week:

The New Jersey Devils at the New York Islanders

This coming weekend a merry band of gentlemen (men of cruelty, brigands, pirates, four-flushers and hooligans to the man) are off to deepest, darkest Montréal to celebrate our good buddy Tom Vaught's 40th Birthday (jeez there's birthdays all over the place. We should put a towel under the door or something.) And no doubt get some much needed first hand experience in the Quebec Provincial Correctional System. We're going to see the Leafs at the Canadiens for their last game of the regular season and Dave's bringing one of those remote control dog training collars in case Rev. Timmy goes berserk (bezerkier? more beserk?) starts screaming, "English Pigs!" and tries to bite some poor Leafs Fan (It makes no sense, his grandparents were from Peterbourough. Sigh.)

This'll be our last HNIC't of the regular season. Tuesday nights always get treated like a ten dollar hooker during the play-offs so stay tuned for updates and keep watching the skies!
Wait, what???...

Birthday Gordie!
Happy Birthday Saké Mike!
Birthday Tom Vaught!

(Why do we even bother doing this? He's never gonna see it.)
Happy Birthday Gary Bettman!

That last one's an April Fool's Joke and not because his birthday is June 2nd.
It's a joke because we hate him with a hatred so pure and hot you can't see the flame (careful there.)

Scotty, we love you.

(His birthday is September 18th.)

Monday, March 24, 2008

HNICt - Back at Fontanas - Pens at Devils - Flyers at Rangers - 7pm - 25 March '08

Apparently the good folks at Fontanas got their ice all cleaned up a day early.
They didn't get a Zamboni though.
Still, this is probably better than we deserve.

So, back to where we once belonged...
Night in Chinatown


(probably also a Dutch farm long, long ago.)

105 Eldridge St.

(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)

Tuesday - March 18 '08

from 7:00pm till the ice gets all mushy and weird like in Anaheim.

This week:

The Pittsburgh Penguins at the New Jersey Devils

The Philadelphia Flyers at the New York Rangers

Stick and move, baby.

Stick and move.

Sorta No HNIC't - Pens at Devils - Flyers at Rangers - 25 March '08

So they kicked us outta Fontanas this week so they could scrape all the cruddy, messed up ice off and lay down a thin layer of hot water that will quickly freeze, leaving a pristine playing surface to start the playoff portion of the season. If only there were a machine to do this quickly and easily during intermission leaving time for the Pee-wees to play for 9 minutes first. Even if some guy in California invented it back in the '40's.

More useful to us here at Hockey Night in Chinatown would be some sort of device to do the same thing to Rev. Timmy's Brain.

With the Habs and Pens both bouncing around first place in the Eastern Conference and the Rangers in the catbird seat to stomp whatever punk-ass team the Southeast Division coughs up, our Not-quite-right Rev. Timmy James has been extra excited (and therefore, extra, extra, troublesome) for the last week or so.

Anyway, if we can find a straight jacket that fits him and doesn't make him think his butt looks big we're gonna try and take him out to...

(formerly The Rook, Big Lugz, 85A. Beneath what was formerly Kim's Video. Way before that it was a Dutch farm.)

85 Ave A - Downstairs

(btw 5th & 6th St.)

7pm till the guys with big butterfly nets come to get us.

The Pittsburgh Penguins at the New Jersey Devils

The Philadelphia Flyers at the New York Rangers

Call one of the boys first as Rev. Timmy can be very picky about what restraints he wears in public.
We had this great ball gag for him once, but he said it didn't match his eyes.

When the Gods
want to punish you

they grant
all your wishes.

Back at Fontanas next week.

Scotty, we love you.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Pittsburgh Penguins at New York Rangers - 7pm Tue 18 Mar '08

Happy St. Patrick's Day, right back atcha.
It's not that we've got anything against the Irish. Hell, one of our many (many, many) theme songs, Thin Lizzy's "Chinatown", was written and performed by an Irishman. Indeed he's the baddest Paddy ever to don platform shoes and bell bottoms (okay, second baddest to Van Morrison.)

It's just that here around The Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker the sight of pale men fighting, folks being "projectile-vomit drunk" by noon and long periods of uninterrupted nonsensical screaming are, well, business as usual (actually a little on the slow side, truth be told.) Besides we're just getting back to normal as last week our Grand Wizard of the Beautification of Flat Surfaces, Dave Guadalahorowitz, put the entire Hockey Night in Chinatown Graphics Department and Internet Pornography Bookmarking Unit (Iron Cursor Dojo, Clan of the Leaping Paint Bucket) under administrative lockdown. Heck, a bunch of the fellas didn't even get a chance to call their wives. Sure, Dave has women working in the Unit, but he insists they be single or at least willing to behave, with enthusiasm and creativity, in a manner consistent with singleness, (Equal Opportunity Employment Laws? Dude, we've got 11 foot blast doors.) After a good 4 days solid with only Chicken Parm Sandwiches and industrial drums of Mr. Bubble* going into the Unit and various sounds of, shall we say, vigorous human activity coming out, Dave emerged looking fresh faced and well rested and handed over the masterpiece you see above. Unsurprisingly it smelled of chicken, parmesan cheese, Mr. Bubble* and single (ish) ladies.

No doubt in any other office environment, the Unit's Ladies would prove a distraction. Around here one can't afford to let one's guard down for one second. For instance, this last week, with Dave under lockdown and Saké Mike off in the evilest place in the world (Washington, D.C.) doing his best to promote EVIL in all it's forms (helping lawyers), Rev. Timmy was left unsupervised and managed to install a Severe Tire Damage Spike System on the floor of the Men's locker room shower. His installation, aside from it's obvious uselessness and excruciating painfulness, is really quite expertly done. Alas, we're going to have to take it out as it's proving very difficult to keep clean.

So hop into a bubble bath, wash that green beer vomit off of you (you lousy drunken Mick) and come act like a single gal at...
Night in Chinatown


105 Eldridge St.

(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)

Tuesday - March 18 '08

from 7:00pm till all the snakes are driven from Fontanas (you know who you are.)

This week:

The Pittsburgh Penguins at the New York Rangers

Word has gotten to us that some of you die hard Ranger fans think we give too much play to the Pens, the Habs and/or the Wings. In our defense let us say that Wings Fan Saké Mike's appetite for mayhem exceeds an Irish bar at full tilt on a St. Patricks Day night (really, we tried it out a couple years ago.) and Rev. Timmy (Pens, Habs) is so unbalanced and unpredictable (think of finding a six foot tall badger with glasses and opposable thumbs in your medicine chest) that around here we're really just trying to not give him a reason. Period (remember the tire spike thing? He did that because he was BORED. And this other time he took all the bleach out of the janitorial closet and a whole bunch of Tabasco sauce and he had these Super Soaker† automatic squirt guns ...shhhhh! here he comes.) We do have on file signed affidavits to the effect that their affection for the Rangers is of the highest order and conflicts only arise when, in weeks such as this, one of their "homeboys" plays the Boys in Blue.
Why don't we find some common ground and agree that the Bruins blow, the Southeast Division (DCHS) is an embarrassment to all we hold dear and there is a special place in hell for each and every Philadelphia Flyer?
Oh, and that we all want Jagz to play like this again:




Scotty, we love you.

*Mr. Bubble is the registered trademark of Ascendia Brands, Inc. It's mention implies neither endorsement nor cautionary example by either Dave Guadalahorowitz or Hockey Night in Chinatown it's subsidiaries, badgers, or single ladies.

† Super Soaker is the registered trademark of Habro who would like to remind you to buy as many Hasbro products as possible even if you and your family have to go hungry and you have to send your children to school wearing burlap sacks and Kleenex‡ tissue boxes on their feet.

‡ Kleenex is the registered trademark of Kimberly-Clark Worldwide, Inc.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

New Jersey Devils at Montréal Canadiens - 7pm Tues 11 March '08

Well we finally bit the bullet. The time had come. Enough was enough. We'd hired extra security. We charged up the tasers. We hired two ambulances and had double supplies in the infirmary. The local Royal Canadian Mounted Police Post gave us two of those guns that shoot rubber bullets. We'd written down all the ways our bosses had hurt us here in the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker. We even borrowed a large animal tranquilizer gun from the zoo. We were all set to hold an intervention when Dave, Rev. Timmy and Saké Mike returned from their weekly visit to the Whole Foods Store where they hang around, eat all the free samples and try to pick fights with the customers ( They say it's just to keep them sharp. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get into a fist fight in Whole Foods?)

Well, they walked in the door and Dr. McCarty (who we flew in at great expense from the finest rehab facility in Kamloops, British Columbia) said "Gentlemen, this is an intervention!"
Dave said "I'll go after these two," and started rapidly texting on his iPhone. Rev. Timmy grabbed a goalie stick and started knocking off sprinkler heads. And Saké Mike just smiled and said, "You are all lucky I'm not still doing that stuff that lets me walk through walls and see through time."

After that it gets a little fuzzy.

When it was all over the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker Main Control Room was filled with smelly water. Three of our security guys tendered their resignations. Both ambulances had cracked windshields. Dr. McCarty had locked himself in the ladies room and wouldn't come out until we got his wife on the phone. Saké Mike was ordering take out sushi. Dave was halfway through a Terminator: The Sarah Conner Chronicles marathon. And Rev. Timmy, the tranquilizer gun and the office large print version of S.E. Hinton's The Outsiders were nowhere to be found.

Oh, and the copier was jammed.

Needless to say we learned our lesson and from now on we shall let sleeping dogs lie ( lay? No, it's lie, right?)

So admit you have a problem and come down to your weekly meeting at...
Night in Chinatown


105 Eldridge St.

(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)

Tuesday - March 11 '08

from 7:30pm till we remember to check that the paper tray is inserted properly.

This week:

The New Jersey Devils at the Montréal Canadiens.

In Hockey related stuff, here's Donald Brashear knocking out Shane Hnidy with one punch.

Hello, my name is (your name here)
and I'm a Hockey-holic!

Help yourself to coffee and cookies.

Scotty, we love you.

Monday, March 3, 2008

No Hockey Night in Chinatown - (New York Islanders at New York Rangers) - Tues 4 Mar '08

Fortuna has spun her wheel (Oh Gracie, my valve!) and all our boys seem to be doing just dandy. The Rangers are hitting on all cylinders, especially that Dubinsky kid, and have gone 7-1-2 in their last 10 games. The Habs and the Pens tied for 1st in the Eastern Conference and the Red Wings seem to have broken whatever funky atomic voodoo gypsy curse they had going throughout February (turns out even the Wings can't rule the world without their serious defencemen.)
Frankly, we're terrified.
If life (that is: hockey) has taught us one thing it's, well, go stand in the slot and shoot the goddamn puck!
But if it's taught us two things it's that any joy in this world is usually a set up for a really big fall (right Patriots? 18 and 1, baby!)
Rev. Timmy is constantly toiling at the Scotty Bowman Altar of Hockey, lighting candles and making sure the pentagram in front of it always has fresh goat blood. Saké Mike has been praying to Odin with a Rosary made exclusively of teeth knocked out by Bob Probert. And Dave has been surfing the web ( he may be the only one of the boys with any perspective at all.)
And what has all this gotten us?
Fontanas has some sort of non-hockey related activity that has preempted our Hockey Night in Chinatown (At least we're pretty sure it's not hockey related. I mean, and then not to invite us? That would be kinda messed up, right? We've been watching hockey there for a couple of years. You don't think they found some other guys to throw a rock n' roll hockey party do you? Did they say anything to you? I don't know, like, something like they're unhappy or we're growing apart or they want to see other rock n' roll hockey parties? Will you do us a favor? Will you pass them a note in study hall?)

We were trying to find another bar to watch hockey in but no one was very keen on having large drunk guys yelling at their flat screen TV and singing along, loudly and badly, to Astroqueen's "Landslide" followed by them laughing and high-fiving each other to Bootsy Collins Records.
Go figure.

NO Hockey Night at Fontanas

You can watch the Isles at the Rangers at 7pm on MSG (Ch. 27 Lower Manhattan Cable)

We'll probably end up watching it over at Rev. Timmy's so if you're coming out, give a call!

Scotty, we love you.