Monday, March 17, 2008

Pittsburgh Penguins at New York Rangers - 7pm Tue 18 Mar '08

Happy St. Patrick's Day, right back atcha.
It's not that we've got anything against the Irish. Hell, one of our many (many, many) theme songs, Thin Lizzy's "Chinatown", was written and performed by an Irishman. Indeed he's the baddest Paddy ever to don platform shoes and bell bottoms (okay, second baddest to Van Morrison.)

It's just that here around The Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker the sight of pale men fighting, folks being "projectile-vomit drunk" by noon and long periods of uninterrupted nonsensical screaming are, well, business as usual (actually a little on the slow side, truth be told.) Besides we're just getting back to normal as last week our Grand Wizard of the Beautification of Flat Surfaces, Dave Guadalahorowitz, put the entire Hockey Night in Chinatown Graphics Department and Internet Pornography Bookmarking Unit (Iron Cursor Dojo, Clan of the Leaping Paint Bucket) under administrative lockdown. Heck, a bunch of the fellas didn't even get a chance to call their wives. Sure, Dave has women working in the Unit, but he insists they be single or at least willing to behave, with enthusiasm and creativity, in a manner consistent with singleness, (Equal Opportunity Employment Laws? Dude, we've got 11 foot blast doors.) After a good 4 days solid with only Chicken Parm Sandwiches and industrial drums of Mr. Bubble* going into the Unit and various sounds of, shall we say, vigorous human activity coming out, Dave emerged looking fresh faced and well rested and handed over the masterpiece you see above. Unsurprisingly it smelled of chicken, parmesan cheese, Mr. Bubble* and single (ish) ladies.

No doubt in any other office environment, the Unit's Ladies would prove a distraction. Around here one can't afford to let one's guard down for one second. For instance, this last week, with Dave under lockdown and Saké Mike off in the evilest place in the world (Washington, D.C.) doing his best to promote EVIL in all it's forms (helping lawyers), Rev. Timmy was left unsupervised and managed to install a Severe Tire Damage Spike System on the floor of the Men's locker room shower. His installation, aside from it's obvious uselessness and excruciating painfulness, is really quite expertly done. Alas, we're going to have to take it out as it's proving very difficult to keep clean.

So hop into a bubble bath, wash that green beer vomit off of you (you lousy drunken Mick) and come act like a single gal at...
Night in Chinatown


105 Eldridge St.

(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)

Tuesday - March 18 '08

from 7:00pm till all the snakes are driven from Fontanas (you know who you are.)

This week:

The Pittsburgh Penguins at the New York Rangers

Word has gotten to us that some of you die hard Ranger fans think we give too much play to the Pens, the Habs and/or the Wings. In our defense let us say that Wings Fan Saké Mike's appetite for mayhem exceeds an Irish bar at full tilt on a St. Patricks Day night (really, we tried it out a couple years ago.) and Rev. Timmy (Pens, Habs) is so unbalanced and unpredictable (think of finding a six foot tall badger with glasses and opposable thumbs in your medicine chest) that around here we're really just trying to not give him a reason. Period (remember the tire spike thing? He did that because he was BORED. And this other time he took all the bleach out of the janitorial closet and a whole bunch of Tabasco sauce and he had these Super Soaker† automatic squirt guns ...shhhhh! here he comes.) We do have on file signed affidavits to the effect that their affection for the Rangers is of the highest order and conflicts only arise when, in weeks such as this, one of their "homeboys" plays the Boys in Blue.
Why don't we find some common ground and agree that the Bruins blow, the Southeast Division (DCHS) is an embarrassment to all we hold dear and there is a special place in hell for each and every Philadelphia Flyer?
Oh, and that we all want Jagz to play like this again:




Scotty, we love you.

*Mr. Bubble is the registered trademark of Ascendia Brands, Inc. It's mention implies neither endorsement nor cautionary example by either Dave Guadalahorowitz or Hockey Night in Chinatown it's subsidiaries, badgers, or single ladies.

† Super Soaker is the registered trademark of Habro who would like to remind you to buy as many Hasbro products as possible even if you and your family have to go hungry and you have to send your children to school wearing burlap sacks and Kleenex‡ tissue boxes on their feet.

‡ Kleenex is the registered trademark of Kimberly-Clark Worldwide, Inc.

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