Monday, November 17, 2008

Minnesota Wild at Pittsburgh Penguins - 7pm - Tuesday - 18 November 2008

In keeping with the overall international flavor of Hockey Night in Chinatown this week we are saluting Hispanic Heritage History Month which was officially back in September when we had barely chased all the raccoons out of the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker ( stupid crafty raccoons!) Perhaps surprisingly (or perhaps not, really we have no guess as to what goes on in the minds of our subscribers. Little interest, neither.) there's a healthy handful of serious hockey folk who hail from South of the Border (lazy Mexicans, taking all of our jobs!) There's Raffi Torres who now skates for the Blue Jackets and Alvaro "Al" Montoya who was drafted 6th overall in 2004 by our very own Rangers only to be traded to Phoenix for the personnel equivalent of a hand full of beans. Not even magical beans. Right here in town with the Isles is Bill Guerin whose momma is Nicaraguan, and of course the Rangers have good old Scotty Gomez.

By far, however, our favorite hockey personality of hispanic descent (patent pending) is Hockey Night in Chinatown's very own Peppy. His dedication and devotion to Hockey Night in Chinatown has given us one of the greatest gifts we could ever have: Coming out regularly to drink beer and listen to records and watch hockey at Fontanas on Tuesday nights. Doesn't sound like much? Well, why haven't we seen you there? (Oh right, work-kids-wives-homes-outta-town, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.)

On top of that, he's been bouncing in and out of the top spot in the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker Fantasy Hockey League since we started the thing. Michigan born (Flint, Michigan born, thank you very much) Saké Mike started strong but seems on his way down to meet his fellow rust-belter Rev. Timmy at the bottom (and his grandparents were from Peterborough.) Grosse Pointe native Mike Jay, solidly in third, is the only fella from anywhere near Hockeytown to get his fantasy on (but he's got a wife and babies to go home to. Hmmm, maybe we should rethink makin' fun of that.) Still, it's a shame to see all that Irish-German-Midwest-Cracker Paleness go to waste, don't you think.

Also, this last weekend Saké Mike claims that Peppy was personally responsible for Hank Lundqvist's stellar save on Patrice Bergeron's shoot-out shot by Pep wearing his Lundqvist sweater to the game and carrying on like some sort of Puerto Rican goalie cheering machine. In fact after they got back from the game Saké Mike burst into the HNIC't Corporate Bunker, chased all the single(ish) women out of the Graphic Design Dojo, stood in front of Dave Guadalahorowitz, pointed a finger in his face and yelled "Hockey Baditos!"

was so taken aback he had to pause his Apple TV.
Of course then he had to manufacture the above flyer.
(Just so you know, Guadalahorowitz has barely anything to do with Dave, let alone hockey or hispanics.)

The single(ish) ladies eventually filtered back in. Unhurt, but visibly shaken.

So sneak across the border, make like some manner of unkind ethnically stereotypical legume and hop into...
Noche del hockey en Chiñatown

105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Martes - November 18, 2008
from 7:00pm till we bust open a dodgeball kid like a piñata (that's right, the dodgeball kids are back. ¡Olé!)
This week:
The Minñesota Wild at the Pittsburgh Peñguins
(sorry, we were just excited to find the thing that made the wavy line thingy above the n)

Also, Fontanas is laying in a whole bunch of Tecate.

Arrrrrrrrriba Hockeyyyyyy!

Or something like that. We just kinda crammed the usual stuff into Babel Fish.

Scotty, le amamos.

Monday, November 10, 2008

HNIC't - (No, really!) - Penguins at Red Wings - 7pm - Tue - 11 November 2008

After a couple false starts, one boondoggle, one non-hockey related election, (Oh really? Why should we care? Who's gonna do more for hockey? The old guy from Arizona who spent five years in a Viet Cong tiger cage? The guy who grew up in Hawaii and Indonesia who's father is Kenyan? We'll save our voting for the NHL All Star Game, thank you very much) we've finally got our mojo working and are ready to kick off this season of Hockey Night in Chinatown.

Just like the Pens started (and may well end) the season without Gonchar and the Wings started without Z'berg, we're gonna be down a pivotal player at the git-go our own damn selves. After a particularly unsatisfying (ugh, don't ask) Bad Brains show last week, Saké Mike became more apoplectic and rage-filled than usual (or seemed, until last week, even humanly, or even inhumanly, possible.) It's took the entire Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker Staff and the gentle yet persistent, urging of Mrs. Saké Mike to get him into a live animal cargo cage (think Jurassic Park Velociraptor Cage) and ship him off to relax in Puerto Rico. Alas, right before we got the door all the way closed, he pulled two of our new interns in after him, so I have some very uncomfortable letters to write to some soon to be very sad parents. Dave Guadalahorowitz got some really nice pics, but we have been advised not to release them till all pending investigations and civil suits are concluded. This will probably be about the same time as the Maple Leafs win The Stanley Cup again.

Not to worry! Saké Mike'll be back and sane(ish) for next week's HNIC't (actually, worrying seems like a really good idea.)

Dave Guadalahorowitz
has been crazy busy cranking out advertising stuff for, what he says is, the latest, newest and most advanced breakthough in breakfast food since the waffle. Though more than that he will not say. Also he seems very bummed out due to the recent passing of a dear, dear friend of his who had held on, productively too, for much longer than anyone expected.

Rev. Timmy
was at the same Crappy Bad Brains show as Saké Mike, but he just retreated to the catwalks above the workshop and only comes down to take 2 hour long showers, collect his mail (pornography and hockey mags mostly, sometimes both in one) and restock on bourbon and elk jerkey (teriyaki style), all the while moping around like some kid who got touched by his uncle in an ABC After School Special. We sent one of our (remaining) interns up to see what the Reverend has going on way up there and he returned excitedly babbling on and on about some badly mutilated life-size wax figure of Gary Bettmann and how much cheddar cheese there was "Just lyin' all around the place. Just lyin' around."

So wait, that makes a total of three shitty letters for me to write, right? Probably more legal stuff from that too.

So use those eerily human-like hands of yours to open your cage, turn your solar panels toward the sun (Dave! Dude! It's named "Phoenix!") and point your tracks over the horizon to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown


105 Eldridge St.

(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)

Tuesday - November 11, 2008

from 7:00pm till we all truly remember the end of the first War to End All Wars (No mail or banks open, neither.)

This week:

The Pittsburgh Penguins at the Detroit Red Wings

Also, this week in Hockey Night in Chinatown Approved Social Activities:
Patrick "Salt" Ryan is very proud to present:

Slip of a Girl

Patrick Salt Ryan

The Reverend Timmy James


9pm (sharp, dammit! none of your dawdling!)

Thursday 13 November 2008

Bar On A

170 Ave A at 11th St.


We were gonna send this to Dave Guadalahorowitz to cheer him up until we realized that he sent it to us. Maybe he has forgotten. Rev. Timmy would have (over the summer Saké Mike tricked The Rev. into getting something like sixteen tetanus booster shots. That just can't be good.)

Goodbye Reg Dunlop
You will be missed!

Saké Mike says that Old Reg has just gone off to coach the Minnesota Night Hawks in the Iron League.

Scotty, we love you.

Happy Birthday Mike Jay!

Paul Newman, we love you.

Hey, we know that was a while ago, but we were saving it for our first HNIC't.

Oh yeah? Well where's your email/blog tribute to Paul Newman?

And how badly did you infringe on Universal Pictures' and the Berkley Publishing Corporations' intellectual property rights to pull it off?

While we're on the subject, where's your crappy hockey party that nobody ever comes to but is still pretty goddamn fun for everybody who does show up?

You've got a lot of nerve there, fella.

Lotta nerve.