Monday, December 15, 2008

Caps at Isles - Devils at Leafs - Rangers at Ducks - 7pm - Tues - 16 Dec '08

Rev. Timmy, Saké Mike and Mrs. Saké Mike went out to The Prudential Center to a) Cheer on the Rangers and b) watch some good hockey. Instead they got to watch the Devils score 8 goals.

Let's do that last bit again.
They got to watch the New Jersey Devils score 8 goals on the Rangers and Henrik Lundqvist.
(Christ, the Rangers let in 2(!!!) shorthanded goals!)

Peppy was supposed to go but he was home sick with some bug. Seems like something's going around, and we mean around the NHL. Most of our favorite teams have been, to be generous, a little off.

When Rev. Timmy and Saké Mike got back to the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker they seemed a little glassy eyed and bewildered (not for the usual reasons, neither) and just sat in the lobby area staring at Charlene the Receptionist.

The only thing that got them moving at all was repeated high volume playings of Prince Far I records.

Not terribly conducive to getting anything done. Dave refused to even come out of the Graphics Dojo and we had to make this week's flyer down at the local Kinko's out of one of the few magazine pictures of Lindsey Lohan that remain "unused" as we call it around here.

Sorry, not very Christmas-y either. Feel free to make your own Ho-ho-ho joke if that's what it takes to get you in the mood.

So slip on your Scott Stevens sweater, crank the volume up to "eye ball rattling" on your sound system trailer and skank* on down to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown

105 Eldridge St.

(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)

Tuesday - 16 December, 2008

from 7:00pm till we've stopped staring at Charlene the Receptionist.

This week:

The Washington Capitals at the New York Islanders

The New Jersey Devils at the Toronto Maple Leafs

The New York Rangers at the Anaheim Ducks

(starts at 10pm, limited DJ support)

Dave Guadalahorowitz and Rev. Timmy will be playing tunes all night, but the Fontanas folks insist that they retreat to the DJ booth after 10pm.
(If you think about it, it just makes good sense. Or at least more sense than letting them play records in your bar in the first place.)
We think they'll let us keep the Rangers game on, if only to avoid 2 1/2 solid hours of "Please?! Can we?! Please?! Can we?! Awwww, you're mean!"

One bright spot from the trip to The Rock was to remind us all of something we get cheated out of here in New York at Madison Square Garden:
Ice Strippers!
Rev. Timmy
keeps calling them "Ice Hookers" and we just know that's gonna lead to a hilarious (for us) and painful (for him, tee hee) interaction of some sort. Heck, if he keeps up the way he's been going, there might even be a story on the front page of the paper (Just think, hockey (sort of) on the front page of the paper!)

Here's some Ice Girls, not to be confused with either Ice Strippers or Ice Hookers, as they perform the very important task of clearing off the snow from the rink and skating around in mini-skirts.
Oh, and using shovels! Hubba hubba!

Hockey to all!

to all a good Hockeyyyyyy!

See youse guys on January 5th! Now we gotta finish (start) our Christmas shopping.
Can a 4 year old wear a Men's size small hockey sweater or should we sew the neck and arm holes shut and call it a sleeping bag?

God rest ye merry gentle Scotty.

(Dave came up with that one years ago.
Still fun though.)
*That's "Rasta" skank, not "skeezy girl" skank, in case you're interested. Sheesh, give Miss Lindsey a break. Remember what a knucklehead you were back when you were 20 years old? And I bet way back then Meryl Streep never called you a great young actor, did she? We're betting you weren't even cool enough to look for Prince Far I records. Too busy with your 12 sided die and your +12 Charisma, we're guessing.

Monday, December 8, 2008

New York Islanders at Philadelphia Flyers - 7pm - Tues - 9 Dec 2008

If it seems as though we've been slacking off a bit from our Hockey Night in Chinatown duties lately, we just want to reassure you that our people are hard at work behind the scenes to make a better Hockey world for you.

We dispatched agent provocateur and general Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker pain-in-the-ass Rev. Timmy James off to Raleigh, NC to aid Jet Black Richard Bacchus (Subcommandante in Charge of Southeastern Division Hockey Destruction DCHS*) in an (overly) elaborate plot to cripple the Southeast Division by the dunking of turkeys in boiling oil (a little Medieval, perhaps, but so moist, so tender, so tasty!) Some small measure of success was achieved in orchestrating the firing of Peter Laviolette, Coach of the Hurricanes, who was then replaced by Paul Maurice, who's first stint coaching them started back when they were The Hartford Whalers. So that's a start. Sorta. I guess.

Otherwise, Saké Mike has been engaged in extensive talks with some "law folks" who owed him some "favors" (we don't really know what he does for those people, and we don't wanna) about getting Hockey Night in Chinatown reclassified as a bank holding company so we could get a piece of that sweet, sweet $700 billion (and more!) government bailout pie (yum!) Failing that, we're going to ride down to Washington in the HNIC't Executive Attack Helicopter (we've converted it to run on kitten blood, a renewable resource) and ask Congress for some dough as we've run HNIC't at least as ineptly as GM, Chrysler or Ford. We'll admit to being at a bit of a disadvantage as we have never even considered anything as dastardly as the 1978 Mustang II (the motor on that thing had half metric and half english fasteners. Diabolical!) In our favor is the fact that if Congress makes us change our salaries to a dollar a year it'll be a big raise for all of us.

Upon Dave Guadalahorowitz's post-Thanksgiving return to the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker Graphic Design Dojo, and after a nap or two, he did manage to put together a Photoshop brush/mask macro that made Sean Avery go even more batshit (if you think that's easy, you just ain't payin' attention none.) For those of you keeping track, calling an ex-girlfriend "sloppy seconds" is officially almost one third as bad as smashing Ryan Hollweg in the face with a hockey stick on purpose (those numbers have not been adjusted for inflation.)
He also happened to whip together this week's ultra barbaric and spiffy flyer (with all apologies and propers to Frank Frazzeta.)
If the goalie stick looks familiar, it's a picture of Gump Worsley's from his days as a Hab.

So wipe off that stuff that makes sloppy seconds so sloppy (ewwwww!), hop in that prototype electric car you've been telling everyone it's completely impossible to make and whirr on down to...
Night in Chinatown
member FDIC (fingers crossed!)

105 Eldridge St.

(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)

Tuesday - 9 December, 2008

from 7:00pm till we've drained all the kittens (not a euphemism.)

This week:

The New York Islanders at the Philadelphia Flyers

A Super Duper Special Hockey Night in Chinatown Congratulations go out to our buddies Jeff, Lisa and Lula Grand who welcomed Juniper Grand to this world on Friday, the 75th Anniversary of the Repeal of Prohibition (a very important day around the HNIC't Corporate Bunker, believe you me. We made a big piñata of Andrew Volstead and filled it with tiny liquor bottles. )

It's time to do your civic duty as a good hockey citizen and go vote for the NHL All Star Team (Rev. Timmy had a little trouble proving to the site he was human. Why does most every one of that guy's interactions with computers end in screaming, broken glass and, often, a small fire?)
We here at HNIC't recommend writing in Jiri Hudler from the Wings for the West, the boy has been on fire of late and the noggin on that kid is of Giant Scary Mardi Gras Parade Mask immensity.

For the East we are endorsing a write-in for Bruins' Goalie Tim Thomas, he's got some crazy sick numbers this year and was born in Flint, MI hometown of our own Saké Mike. Now we all hate the Bruins (and are all scared of Saké Mike), but if you're hesitant to vote for a B for the NHL All Star Team Eastern Goalie we've got two words for you: Gerry Cheevers.

If that doesn't convince you, we've got three more words for you:
Bears Playing Hockey!

Dave Guadalahorowitz surprised us all with that one. We all thought the only things he did on the internet were steal copywrited art for our flyers and watch porn (Huh, you think you know a guy.)
If this is the result of one of his Google Porn Searchs, we don't wanna know.

You can check out the Hockey Night in Chinatown NHL All Star Votes on the blog (What? You've never been? Shame on you.)

Those Bears are Playing


Dude, seriously, those bears are really playing hockey.
(Man, who's the poor bastard who has to put all those ice skates on all those bears?
Seems like that job would use up a lot of Bactine.)

*Die Confederate Hockey Scum

Scotty, those bears are playing hockey.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Hockey Night in Chinatown NHL All Star Votes

Below we present the votes of our illustrious and/or infamous bosses for the NHL All Star Teams.
Take them as sound, well reasoned council or as hilarious fodder for one of those perpetually forwarded "Check this out" emails (Around the HNIC't Corporate Bunker the latter is getting a lot of play.)

Rev. Timmy's Votes

Dave Guadalahorowitz's Votes