Monday, December 8, 2008

New York Islanders at Philadelphia Flyers - 7pm - Tues - 9 Dec 2008

If it seems as though we've been slacking off a bit from our Hockey Night in Chinatown duties lately, we just want to reassure you that our people are hard at work behind the scenes to make a better Hockey world for you.

We dispatched agent provocateur and general Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker pain-in-the-ass Rev. Timmy James off to Raleigh, NC to aid Jet Black Richard Bacchus (Subcommandante in Charge of Southeastern Division Hockey Destruction DCHS*) in an (overly) elaborate plot to cripple the Southeast Division by the dunking of turkeys in boiling oil (a little Medieval, perhaps, but so moist, so tender, so tasty!) Some small measure of success was achieved in orchestrating the firing of Peter Laviolette, Coach of the Hurricanes, who was then replaced by Paul Maurice, who's first stint coaching them started back when they were The Hartford Whalers. So that's a start. Sorta. I guess.

Otherwise, Saké Mike has been engaged in extensive talks with some "law folks" who owed him some "favors" (we don't really know what he does for those people, and we don't wanna) about getting Hockey Night in Chinatown reclassified as a bank holding company so we could get a piece of that sweet, sweet $700 billion (and more!) government bailout pie (yum!) Failing that, we're going to ride down to Washington in the HNIC't Executive Attack Helicopter (we've converted it to run on kitten blood, a renewable resource) and ask Congress for some dough as we've run HNIC't at least as ineptly as GM, Chrysler or Ford. We'll admit to being at a bit of a disadvantage as we have never even considered anything as dastardly as the 1978 Mustang II (the motor on that thing had half metric and half english fasteners. Diabolical!) In our favor is the fact that if Congress makes us change our salaries to a dollar a year it'll be a big raise for all of us.

Upon Dave Guadalahorowitz's post-Thanksgiving return to the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker Graphic Design Dojo, and after a nap or two, he did manage to put together a Photoshop brush/mask macro that made Sean Avery go even more batshit (if you think that's easy, you just ain't payin' attention none.) For those of you keeping track, calling an ex-girlfriend "sloppy seconds" is officially almost one third as bad as smashing Ryan Hollweg in the face with a hockey stick on purpose (those numbers have not been adjusted for inflation.)
He also happened to whip together this week's ultra barbaric and spiffy flyer (with all apologies and propers to Frank Frazzeta.)
If the goalie stick looks familiar, it's a picture of Gump Worsley's from his days as a Hab.

So wipe off that stuff that makes sloppy seconds so sloppy (ewwwww!), hop in that prototype electric car you've been telling everyone it's completely impossible to make and whirr on down to...
Night in Chinatown
member FDIC (fingers crossed!)

105 Eldridge St.

(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)

Tuesday - 9 December, 2008

from 7:00pm till we've drained all the kittens (not a euphemism.)

This week:

The New York Islanders at the Philadelphia Flyers

A Super Duper Special Hockey Night in Chinatown Congratulations go out to our buddies Jeff, Lisa and Lula Grand who welcomed Juniper Grand to this world on Friday, the 75th Anniversary of the Repeal of Prohibition (a very important day around the HNIC't Corporate Bunker, believe you me. We made a big piñata of Andrew Volstead and filled it with tiny liquor bottles. )

It's time to do your civic duty as a good hockey citizen and go vote for the NHL All Star Team (Rev. Timmy had a little trouble proving to the site he was human. Why does most every one of that guy's interactions with computers end in screaming, broken glass and, often, a small fire?)
We here at HNIC't recommend writing in Jiri Hudler from the Wings for the West, the boy has been on fire of late and the noggin on that kid is of Giant Scary Mardi Gras Parade Mask immensity.

For the East we are endorsing a write-in for Bruins' Goalie Tim Thomas, he's got some crazy sick numbers this year and was born in Flint, MI hometown of our own Saké Mike. Now we all hate the Bruins (and are all scared of Saké Mike), but if you're hesitant to vote for a B for the NHL All Star Team Eastern Goalie we've got two words for you: Gerry Cheevers.

If that doesn't convince you, we've got three more words for you:
Bears Playing Hockey!

Dave Guadalahorowitz surprised us all with that one. We all thought the only things he did on the internet were steal copywrited art for our flyers and watch porn (Huh, you think you know a guy.)
If this is the result of one of his Google Porn Searchs, we don't wanna know.

You can check out the Hockey Night in Chinatown NHL All Star Votes on the blog (What? You've never been? Shame on you.)

Those Bears are Playing


Dude, seriously, those bears are really playing hockey.
(Man, who's the poor bastard who has to put all those ice skates on all those bears?
Seems like that job would use up a lot of Bactine.)

*Die Confederate Hockey Scum

Scotty, those bears are playing hockey.

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