Monday, April 27, 2009

Rangers at Caps DCHS* (UGH!) - Canes DCHS* at Devils - both Game 7 Eastern Conference Quarterfinals - 7pm Tues. - April 28, 2009

Last week we were telling you cats how rough Rev. Timmy could be on flat screen TV's. Well it seems he's moved on to the even smaller, more innocent and more defenseless variety: the iPhone touch screen.

If you are an intern here at The Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker,

and if (!) the Habs got swept by the Bruins on Wednesday,

and even though the Pens finally dispatched the Flyers off to the land of wind and ghosts and tee-times (check your I Ching on that one. We prefer the Wilhelm/Baynes translation.)

and IF (!!) you wander through the HNIC't Corporate Bunker on Sunday afternoon just about the time the Rangers totally put their ass in the air for the Washington Capitals (God, did you see that? That was just not cool, dude)

and you're carrying a copy of The Hockey News with Zdeno Chara on the Cover,

and (!!!!!!!) you get hit in the head so hard with an iPhone (that has the picture Rev. Timmy took at the Garden when he recently took a field trip there with Mike J, Gentleman Tom and Dave Guadalahorowitz to make sure the Penguins got home ice for the playoffs (Suck it, Marty!†)) that you have to have an old (and rather poorly treated, shall we say) Cheri Magazine crammed in your mouth to keep you from swallowing your tongue,

and Saké Mike has to dip into his extensive horse tranquilizer collection (hmmmm, that fella has a lot of horse medicine for someone who doesn't actually have a horse. What up wit dat, yo?)
just to keep Rev. Timmy from finishing you off...

Well, all we can say is you should have more carefully read the tiny, tiny fine print in the HNIC't Intern Death and Dismemberment Release and chance to win a free iPod Sign-up Sheet as this series of events is specifically mentioned and your parents can sue us all they want but they'll never find us to collect (never!! NEVER!!!! AAAAHHHHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHHHHH!!!!!!!)

So direct the party of the first part to approach the bench, ummm, bar down at...
Hockey Night in Chinatown
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - 28 April 2009
from 7:00pm till everybody breaks something they love in a fit of rage and regrets it immediately.
This week:
The New York Rangers at the Washington Capitals
The New Jersey Devils at the Carolina Hurricanes*

both Game 7, Eastern Quarterfinal
[yeah we know some of those teams colors are white and red, but you ain't gonna see that so "Suck it, (your name here)!"]

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipisicing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum. Oh, by the way, the Detroit Red Wings are doing just fine.

C'mon Rangers...
What more can we say, really?

Ovie is fun and all, but dudes: Fucking Finish Them!!!*


*Die Confederate Hockey Scum
† Of course we mean Philly Goalie Marty Biron, but Dave Guadalahorowitz would like you to think of a guy in a Herb Tarlek jacket quitting his job at a used car lot every time we yell this. We just want you to check how huge the Herb Tarlek entry is on Wikipediea. Sheesh.
I mean, it's almost as big as Lao-Tzu's (wait, that can't be right. hmmm, whaddaya know?)
‡ What would William Scott Bowman do?

Tax and Title not included. We're tired of you and your whole buttoned down, plastic fantastic freaky Madison Avenue scene. May cause anal leakage. "I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence. or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me" - HST. If erection persists after four hours then consult your...really? You kept reading after "anal leakage", sheeeeshhh, what is up with you? I mean really. We are by no means the judging sort but dude now you're just reading the tiny text to make sure you're reading all the tiny text. And yet you can't make it out to watch Hockey and listen to records with us in person? C'mon you Otaku muther luvver. At least leave a comment on the blog! Hello? Hello!!! Awwww, who cares....dammi! Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipisicing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum. Oh, and up yours Daddy-O. Up yours all the way!!!!

Monday, April 20, 2009

Pens at Flyers - Devils at Canes - Canucks at Blues - 1st Round Playoffs - 7pm - Tues - April 21, 2009

It's getting harder and harder to watch Hockey around the Hockey NIght in Chinatown Corporate Bunker starting, oh, Saturday Night (Bos 5 - Mtl 1.) It's a good thing we bought up a bunch of flat screen TV's when Circuit City was going out of business because Rev. Timmy is going through them like bourbon bottles (coincidentally, he is sending the bourbon bottles through the flat screen TV's and that is why we are going through them so quickly.) It is also one reason why we don't allow children in the HNIC't Corporate Bunker (last time Rev. Timmy watched hockey with his nieces, they all learned words even their Dad and Granddad didn't know. And they're both firefighters!) Instead we keep them at the HNIC't Rural Child-rearing and Advanced Opeth DVD Watching Facility in Croton-on-Hudson.

Above is Miss Gracie, and for only the cost of a really bitchin' motorcycle every week, you can help make sure her Dad and her Uncle Reverend Timmy get Gold Club Seats at MSG for the rest of the Playoffs and even on to the Stanley Cup Final.

Please, won't you call now?

Otherwise tie your flat screen TV to your really bitchin' motorbike and crotch rocket your way down to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - April 21, '09
from 7:00pm till we figure out how to fence all the TV's and bikes we're gonna have by the end of the night.
This week:
The Pittsburgh Penguins at Philadelphia Flyers Game 4 (Pens 2-1)
The New Jersey Devils at Carolina Hurricanes* Game 4 (NJ 2-1)
The Vancouver Canucks at the St. Louis Blues Game 4 (Van 3-0)

We believe that the Children are our Future!
Unless we stop them now!!!!!!

Yeah, we know Homer Simpson said it first
(hell, most of this stuff is stolen from the Simpsons. That, or old Oui Magazines.)
Besides, the Chicago/Calgary game is tied up.

Scotty we love you.

* Die Confederate Hockey Scum

Monday, March 30, 2009

Hawks at Habs - 7:30pm - Tuesday - 31 March 2009

Things got a little quiet since Rev. Timmy was off making the world safe for dangerous maniacs and human jack-asses. So, Dave Guadalahorowitz decided to cook up some Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker Stylee Fun™ by hijacking every screen in the joint and making them display various NASA star maps (past, present and projected.) Then, just as everyone was getting comfy for their post pirogie eating contest nap, Dave got clearance from the good folks at JPL to reveal our super-secret program to save the Earth from an asteroid strike.

Admittedly, it may not seem very impressive to just have a Mite (well, he's in Pee Wee, actually) slapping on some tiny meteorite (meterorite/mite, get it? Oh, this stuff is wasted on you.) in the Nubian desert, but here at HNIC't we're all about getting them started on the fundamentals young and then growing the program.

By the time the asteroid Apophis (take that, SG-1 fans ) gets close in 2029 or 2036 we're we're planning to get somebody out there into space to one-time the thing right into the sun (suck it, you dopey dinosaurs.)

Oh, and whoever does it will have to be, like, 600 metres tall.

HNIC't Poisonous Anemone Breeding Facility is just the start.

Hockey Night in Chinatown: Bringing You a Gigantic Horrifying Tomorrow, Eventually!

So stow your Celestron CPC Series CPC 1100 GPS XLT Telescope (with Motorized Altazimuth Mount) wipe the sautéed onions and sour cream off your face and plummet through the atmosphere down to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown


105 Eldridge St.

(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)

Tuesday - March 31, '09

from 7:30pm till someone accurately predicts the arc of flight of a half full Labatt Blue bottle so that it conks Rev. Timmy right on the bean AND renders him unconscious (30 sec. minimum.)

This week:

The Chicago Blackhawks at the Montréal Canadiens

It's coming down to the wire and we're all clenched up hoping for what we want (Red Wings to get the President's Trophy yet again, various Class A Controlled Substances) and what we NEEEEEED (Pens, Habs and Rangers all in the playoffs, beer.)

It's looking more and more like Rev. Timmy's absence was just the calm before the storm.

Speaking of unpredictable forces of nature, if all those folks in NoDak are thanking God for not killing them with all the floods, who do they think caused the floods anyway?

Just kidding, North Dakotans. Take it easy and be well.

Speaking of giving blood and making God angry, Wednesday is Saké Mike's Birthday.
Hockey Birthday Saké Mike!!!!!
Yes, it is really on April Fools Day.

Well, that's just too freakin' goddamn bat-shit easy.

Hey it's that Miss Keeeeely's Birthday, too.

Whatever became of her? Got wise, I s'pose.

Scotty, we don't love you none.

April Fools!!!

Monday, March 2, 2009

Pens at Lightning - Devils at Leafs - HBDDG'hwitz - 7pm - Tues - 3 March '09

Well we've been running around more than usual here at the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker as it's our very own Dave Guadalahorowitz's Birthday! Yessiree, folks, our very own Grand Wizard of the Beautification of Flat Surfaces and Sensei of the HNIC't Graphics Department and Internet Pornography Bookmarking Unit (Iron Cursor Dojo, Clan of the Leaping Paint Bucket) has clicked over another year on his odometer and put another notch in his lipstick case (hmmm, is that right?) and we've been getting things ready for one of our fabled HNIC't Birthday Hootenannys (the last one registered 3.4 on the Richter Scale, and caused the Chicken Parm Futures Markets to waver alarmingly, wiping out several Icelandic Banks and an Italian Deli in Winnipeg.)

We even reconfigured the Atomic Voodoo Hockey Deathray and socked in the the whole Northeast with snow so everyone could emulate Dave and stay home in their PJ's, order some food in, and slave over a hot television set.

All of our fancy Cray XT5's are busy torrenting foreign language versions of Mad Max and The Road Warrior (don't tell Dave, it's a surprise. The guy they got to do the Gyro Captain for the Farsi version is especially entertaining) and Dave is holed up in his Dojo reading World War Z on his new Kindle 2 (highly recommended by Saké Mike as a very accurate tale of things to come, he hopes.) So, as you can see, we set Rev. Timmy to the task of putting together our flyer on an old Franklin Apple II Clone we were using to keep a lid on a tank in the HNIC't Poisonous Anemone Breeding Facility (wait, that tank's empty now. That just can't be good.)

I gotta say, since we set the Rev. up with that little task, there has been a noticeable decline in mysterious fires around here and a lot less shrieking and running (though it may just be because the Pens and Rangers seem like they might actually get it together and not miss the playoffs.)

How he got on the internet with that thing to surf for ASCII Art is no less amazing (alarming!!!) than our control of the weather or the hot sandwich futures markets.

So slip into that Snow Bunny suit you've been dying to wear just one more time before spring and zombie walk your way on down to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown


105 Eldridge St.

(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)

Tuesday - March 3, '09

from 7:00pm till we figure out how to get the Atomic Voodoo Hockey Deathray to make Chicken Parm Sandwiches.

This week:

The Pittsburgh Penguins at The Tampa Bay Lightning

The New Jersey Devils at The Toronto Maple Leafs

Hey, if your team ain't gonna go out and win a Stanley Cup for you, maybe you should get off your lazy ass and build one.
Then maybe you can sit inside it and maybe drink some beer.
Oh, and maybe catch a fish.

Remember, we said, maybe.

Now a special message from the robots we are building with the help of a pack of super intelligent talking dogs to battle the zombies.
(If that sentence doesn't terrify you good, you are just not paying any attention.*)



* You will be paying attention very soon.†


Monday, February 23, 2009

Anaheim Ducks at Buffalo Sabres - 7pm - Tues - 24 Feb '09

It's just about that time of year for everybody to start getting confused about who's with whom, who's going to be a free agent this summer (restricted? unrestricted?), who got traded where and what they're supposed to be doing there after all (didn't those two get hitched a while back, or eaten by alligators? They were such a cute couple.)

The Rangers just sacked Coach Tom Renney and hired John Tortorella who won a Stanley Cup. Tortorella used to Coach the Tampa Bay Lightning (sorry for the awkward sentence construction, our HNIC't Computers won't let us put a Florida Hockey Team and the Stanley Cup in the same sentence.) Also we're only about a week from the trade deadline so we're gonna hafta play cut n' paste with our rosters. Rev. Timmy's the worst of all. If you ask him, the Pens are still skating Phil Bourque, Paul Coffey and Ron Francis and have Tom Barrasso in goal (though that's probably more of a defense mechanism than anything, considering how the Pens have been doing. More likely still: amphetamine psychosis.)|HomeTradeCountdown

Sunday, after the Capitals 5-2 drubbing of the Penguins, Rev. Timmy went on one of his "hilarious to watch on a camera from the security office with Carlo who's always falling asleep but is really good at card tricks and let you hold his tazer that one time but took the battery pack out 'cause he was afraid you'd electrocute yourself and was probably right" but "terrifying to be anywhere near" office furniture extermination binges. While Aeron chair parts, computer keyboards, desk drawers and various pieces of laminated particle board were flying through the air all around him, Dave Guadalahorowitz deftly snatched his Chicken Parm sandwich out of the microwave, did a quick tuck and roll behind Charlene's reception desk and then ran serpentine into the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Archives and Pornography Warehousing Annex B.
With the Rev. all hopped up on nutmeg, wasabi and Powers Irish Whiskey spiked chocolate malted milkshakes, Dave had lots of time left over after he finished his sandwich to look through a stack of unsorted Dutch midget porn and find the rare pic above of the great Rocket Richard warming up before a game (admittedly our filing system is, shall we say, a little right-brain oriented.)

Supposedly Buckethead learned all his stuff from The Rocket (it really gets rolling at about :50.)

So collect all the big chunks of that formerly beautiful mahogany conference room table, get all 7 wrenches you need to change strings on your Kahler Tremolo System and run serpentine on down to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - 24 February 2009

from 7:00pm till everybody can run phrygian scales up and down the neck with verve and aplomb.

This week:

The Anaheim Ducks at the Buffalo Sabres (Yayyyy, Lilly!!!)

Saké Mike
is getting together a field trip to go find Wade Redden, duct tape him into a sleeping bag, tie the whole thing to a 1970 Dana 44 rear axle assembly and toss it in the Hudson River.
If you're going, wear some good sturdy shoes suitable for both kicking and running (hey, maybe Tom Renney wants to come. He must hate Redden most of all. Hmmm, maybe, Naslund.)
Do not wear one of the T-shirts from the link below. These are fancy "Saturday night stepping out" T-shirts, not play clothes.
(Hey, who's the sexy model? And why does he smell like a burning pile of office telephones and bitter, bitter tears?)

Trade me right fucking now!
And hang up.

Nipples like little rocks...

Scotty, we love you.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Sabres at Leafs - Devils at Panthers - Tues - 17 Feb 2009

Well, it's getting pretty glum around the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker. The Rangers seem to have lost whatever hop they had in their step (remember way back in the season when they were way ahead in first? us neither.) The Habs are 3-7-0 in their last ten after a pretty disappointing Western tour. The Penguins are flying about as high as their namesake, and just fired Coach Michel Therrien (no doubt because it's harder still to fire an entire hockey team.) And on top of all that the Stanley Cup Champion Red Wings lost to Colorado (and not even a goalie fight.)

On top of all that Rev. Timmy has had a cold for about a week and every time he sneezes it sounds like someone in a Shaw Brothers' Movie getting hit with a cart and then swearing in Mandarin.

So it's really not the environment we'd hoped for to introduce our newest ground breaking event:
Hockey Night in Chinatown's Gay Hockey Night

To be fair, Mrs. Saké Mike has been calling it that since we started. Hell, Holly, down at the bar was calling Dave Guadalahorowitz and Rev. Timmy gay way back before she even thought of opening Fontanas. All we've really got is the flyer and a link to the Madison Gay Hockey Association, but at least that's a start. If your significant other asks you why your Google history is full of "gay" or "lesbian hockey" or "big bear jams the slot on hot teen twink," you can go ahead and blame us here at HNIC't as it should be pretty obvious by now that we don't care what you or your life partner think of us.

So down a bottle of Nyquil, set your Tivo to record Will and Grace and mince your way down to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)

Tuesday - 17 February 2009

from 7:00pm till some gay hockey player comes down and beats us up for saying "mince your way down."

This week:

The Buffalo Sabres at the Toronto Maple Leafs

The New Jersey Devils at the Florida Panthers

It doesn't have anything to do with hockey or gay or even hockey pucks, but here's this weeks link:

We're here!

We're hockey fans!

Get used to it!

Keep reaching for that Rainbow!

Scotty, we love you.

Monday, February 9, 2009

HNIC't plays Hooky on Hockey

Busy, busy, busy.

Saké Mike is busy making a Power Point presentation on what a Lionhead Oranda is and why Don Cherry told The Hockey News he's getting one sent to him from Hong Kong for his 75th Birthday.

Dave Guadalahorowitz is busy running astronomy flash-card drills so he's nice and razor sharp for the Neil deGrasse Tyson lecture on Thursday (he's particularly keen to ask Dr. Tyson if he keeps his pants up with a Van Allen Belt. Ugh.)

Rev. Timmy has been busy up in the catwalks emptying and smashing liquor bottles (not always in that order) since the Canadiens harrowing loss to Calgary last night (2!!! short-handed goals, c'mon Habs, do you think you're the Rangers?) With the Habs losing 5 in a row on the road and the Pens shutout by Detroit on Sunday, it could be a while 'till he's fit for general population.

So, no Hockey Night in Chinatown this week.

We'll try again next week assuming some Preacher doesn't go batshit and weld the 11-foot blast doors shut.
(He's good for that at least twice a year and he hasn't even gotten caught trying it yet.)

H75thBD Grapes!


Monday, February 2, 2009

Capitals at Devils - 7pm - Tues - 3 February 2009

We would like to apologize for the absence of last week's email. We were all set to ship it when our interweb went out. After performing various diagnostic tests and calling our ISP, Dave Guadalahorowitz went down to our router room only to find our Cisco XR 12404 stuffed chock full of melted and melting little plastic army men. As they seemed to be Russian and were surrounded by little plastic Wehrmacht soldiers wearing winter gear (wow, those are some fancy little plastic army men!) we can only assume that Rev. Timmy was using our sophisticated switching equipment to reenact the Siege of Stalingrad. It took until just before the Superbowl to pick all the little guys outta there and give the unit a thorough cleaning. We apologize to any inconvenience this may have caused you and remind you that we warned you not to open up the Eastern Front until you had England in the bag.


We now return you to last week's flyer, with only the bare minimum of logistical updates, already in progress.Now that all the charges have been dismissed we can finally tell the tale.
Here's Saké Mike earlier this year in Puerto Rico on a Yoga Holiday that Mrs. Saké Mike took him on at our request (extended juvenile pleading, more like.)
Instead of joining in with all the Kundalini, Hatha and "Hot" Yoga going on, Mike decided to pioneer his own yoga variety: "Ice (Hockey)" Yoga.
It has poses such as "The Probert", "The Overly Dramatic Brodeur Butterfly Save" and the very advanced "Failure to Secure Your Tie Down And Fighting Another Guy With Your Sweater Pulled Over Your Head With Subsequent Game Ejection Series" (careful, the transition to the final "Shaking Your Fist at the Crowd as You are Led Off the Ice" Pose is a little tricky if you're not used to it.) The Yoga Instructors at the Retreat felt that Saké Mike wasn't really embracing the spirit of the whole thing as most of his sessions involved shoving, head butting, whacking folks with a hockey stick (up around the hands, mostly), waving razor sharp blades around on one's feet and childish name calling (Yes, yes, just like HNIC't. Very funny.) Unsurprisingly he was asked to take a time out down at the beach. Surprisingly he went. But not without sing-songing "YO-GA, YOOOOOO-GAAAAAA" like the Habs fans do to taunt opposing goalies for about an hour and a half. One instructor's chi was so disrupted he had to have extra mint in his green tea and listen to Balinese Gamelan Music on his Zune for an hour before he could get back to work. Predictably, the whole episode came to a head when Saké Mike offered (threatened) to fight the entire Yoga Retreat. Mrs. Saké Mike finally calmed him down and lured him back to their hut with some Sashimi Fatty Tuna and a copy of The Prose Edda (I'll tell ya, the works of Snorri Sturluson have gotten us outta more scrapes with that guy than anything else. We should really send Snorri a Christmas Card.)

We thought the whole episode was over and done with until, during the NHL All Star Super Skills Competition, we overheard Mike on the phone to his imaginary friend Dr. Bob, Hockey Night in Chinatown Chief Geneticist and Guelphian Splinter Faction Commandante (for an imaginary guy, Dr. Bob's a pretty busy fella, Rev. Timmy claims he even met him once.) Saké Mike was quizzing the good Doctor on the feasibility of breeding a strain of poisonous sea anemone that could survive overnight shipping to the islands and still leap out and paralyze whomever opened the box.

So if you receive any damp FedEx Shipments you might want to, I don't know, clear your schedule.

So put your yoga mat under your arm, cram your wallet in your mouth so you don't bite through your tongue and imagine sauntering on down to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - 3 February 2009
from 7:00pm till Major Hochstetter shows up and threatens to send us somewhere where we will most certainly be shot by Russians and/or freeze to death.
This week:
The Washington Capitals at the New Jersey Devils
Also, Free Tiger Beer from 7 to 9!!!

Now that we've all enjoyed Alex Ovechkin's prop comedy at the Super Skills Competion and the sleep inducing NHL All Star Game, screwing around time is officially over. Also at an end is that pesky Year of the Rat which, though it did see the Red Wings Win a Cup and the election of a President who is not a total Douchebag, also sent Mr. and Mrs. Saké Mike to Hackensack, NJ for most of last summer, allowed Rev. Timmy to join the Little Plastic Army Men and Jerky of the Month Club (this month: 18th Century Polish Heavy Hussars and Spicy Ostrich), and had Dave Guadalahorowitz burn his mouth on pizza (twice) and hot cocoa (three times, but one of them was really bad.) Also, Jagr went to The Russian Kontinental Hockey League, Sergei Gonchar has been out the whole season so far with a shoulder injury and Gary Bettman did not have someone drop a piano on him (or if someone did, Bettman was holding an umbrella.)

Year of the Ox, baby!

Git up on your hind legs and let's go!

You know who you are.

You are The Rangers, The Penguins and The Canadiens. The Red Wings seem to be doing just fine.

Scotty, we love you.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Ducks at Rangers - Caps at Sens - 7pm - Tues - 20 Jan 2009

Here at the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker we take Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Day very seriously. And not just because we regularly utilize the same crowd control techniques so often used by southern law enforcement during Civil Rights Marches on Rev. Timmy on an almost nightly basis. He's getting used to the tear-gas and the dogs are more and more reluctant to bite him (we're pretty sure he tastes funny) but a high pressure fire hose still puts him down and keeps him down till we can truncheon him to sleep every night.

No, it's because hockey has, over the last ten years or so, been forced to sit in the back of the sports bus, way back behind Texas Hold 'em and NASCAR and Mixed Martial Arts Unlimited Cage Fighting. (yep, we're comparing ourselves to Rosa Parks, sports-wise anyway. And if you get all "Women's National Basketball Association" up in our grill, we're gonna send Tie Domi to meet you in the parking lot after work.)

Saké Mike saw this week's flyer (which, though based on a Rev. Timmy idea, Dave Guadalahorowitz has masterly crafted into something that, we are hoping, will not invoke the ire of the NAACP or the Black Panthers) and launched right into an eloquent and really quite moving speech on how under-represented the Norwegians are in the NHL.

To quote:
"When, oh, when will hockey players be judged, not by the almost translucent paleness of their skin, but by the speed of their slap shot?"

Why they're gonna do that this coming Saturday in the Skills Competion and Sunday at the NHL All Star Game!

Whew, glad that's all sorted out, just like the whole race thing.

So flip a big old bird to Sheriff Clark* and Governor Faubus*, try not to be too afraid of all the angry white policemen in riot gear and peacefully march all the way from Birmingham to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown


105 Eldridge St.

(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)

Tuesday - 20 January 2009

from 7:00pm till Al Sharpton shows up with a bunch of TV Cameras to protest our gross misappropriation of the legacy of MLK and the Civil Rights Movement.

(We're kinda hoping this really happens. Then at least somebody will come down, even if they don't come in the bar and watch hockey. Oh, an we'll all be on the TV!)

This week:

The Anaheim Ducks at the New York Rangers

The Washington Capitals at the Ottawa Senators

No, we will not turn the channel to the Obama Inauguration "just for a sec."

Cripes, next you'll wanna start checking in on "American Idol."

We're all hoping that on Sunday the Pens have broken whatever gypsy curse they had on them, but it's a little hard to be too excited as the Rangers were all skating like the team was having a pancake eating contest during the first intermission and a Nyquil drinking contest during the second. We've been working on it all weekend with all the technical resources in the HNIC't Corporate Bunker and all the best minds we could get around a bottle of rye whiskey and have come to the conclusion that the only thing to do with Wade Redden is trade him to the WNBA (all right, fun's fun, but let's leave the ladies alone.)
he's making us sorta like Paul Mara (ugh!)

Also, Punk Rock Heavy Metal Karaoke is downstairs starting at 9pm, if you need just one more reason to come out. Or, I guess, one more reason to stay home.

Hockey, by any means necessary.
We shall overcome!!!!!!!!!

Not Cool? Up yours baby! We've got more Staples Singers, Public Enemy and Gil Scott-Heron records than you do!

Scotty, we love you.

* - Sheesh, where'd you go to school at? America?

Monday, January 12, 2009

Habs at B's - Rangers at Isles - Tues - 7pm - 13 January 2009

With the Penguins having gone 2-8-0 in their last 10 (!!!) our dear, sick, twisted Rev. Timmy has been a bit daffier than usual (the correct medical term is batshit.)
We had set up a field trip for him with our HNIC't New York Metropolitan Area Legal Counsel, Jeff Grand (a very busy man) and raconteur and provocateur extraordinaire Gentleman Tom to go see The Pro Bull Riders Invitational at MSG. Gentleman Tom was quite taken by the pretzel handled beer mugs but apparently nobody informed him that the true point of the exercise was to get Rev. Timmy to forget about hockey for just a little bit so we could get some work done around The Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker. Gentleman Tom proceeded to ply the Reverend with strong drink and accelerants and then gave him some packs of 1990 Topps Hockey Cards. When Rev. Timmy found a Patrick Roy and a Paul Coffey it was all over but the shouting (Ugh, sooooo much shouting.)
The field trip went out for ribs and then proceeded to MSG where they got to watch the cattle get it's revenge on the very species who serve their kin at restaurants with delicious BBQ Sauce and side salad.

So wipe off your hands with a moist towelette, loosen that strap around your junk that makes you buck up a storm and mosey on down to...
Night in Chinatown


105 Eldridge St.

(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)

Tuesday - 13 January 2009

from 7:00pm till we've looked through all the 1990 Topps Hockey Cards and found a Jagz Rookie Card for Rev. Timmy.

This week:

The Montréal Canadiens at the Boston Bruins

The New York Rangers at the New York Islanders

If you are a regular reader of the emails you know that quite often we have trouble thinking of stuff to put down in this section.
This is one of those times.

Ummmmmm. Here look at this (probably not safe for work, or home or looking at in your car while you're driving. On second though, maybe you should just not bother.)

Those Naked Girls are playing Hockey!

Alas, not ice hockey. No, it's not the bears, but they are probably easier to get skates on.

Scotty, we love you.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Horrific Hangovers Hamper Hip Hockey Happening

Well, we were hoping for a nice, warm, jolly, old-fashioned Holiday Season but instead Saké Mike celebrated the season with a nasty chest cold. Dave Guadalahorowitz got some sort of X-mas gut bug that made him miss out on some serious upstate uncle action. And Rev. Timmy got him self locked into the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker by crouching on one of the toilets in the women's room (come to think of it, he's in there a lot.)

With everyone out a'wassailing, as it were, our good Reverend dismantled the entire computer system in the HNIC't Graphics Department and Internet Pornography Bookmarking Unit (Iron Cursor Dojo, Clan of the Leaping Paint Bucket) and two of our best zambonis in an attempt to construct a Professional Class Snowplow Simulator like the one here:

What he finally came up with looks like this:

When Dave saw what Rev. Timmy had done he was so angry he started texting in ALL CAPS.
We're guessing Dave halfway wished he was back in his room barely keeping dry toast down and watching The Sarah Conner Chronicles or a Planet of the Apes Marathon.

Since we're all busy soldering, desoldering, rewiring and un-reconfiguring the Rev.'s Christmas "Present" we're not gonna make it down to Fontanas.
(Rev. Timmy got bored of the thing after he couldn't figure how to make it spill hot coffee in his lap and wandered off onto the steppes wearing just a loincloth and a big fuzzy hat.)

If you really need your Fontanas itch to be scratched there's still good times to be had:
Punk Rock Heavy Metal Karaoke!
(In no way affiliated with HNIC't. They insisted we make this clear to you.)


105 Eldridge St.

(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)

Tuesday - January 6, 2009

9pm till there's only person left and they want to sing "You Light Up My Life."

So head on down, wait your turn, sing your Krokus song and then rest up for next week:
Montréal at Boston.

Hockey New Year!!!!
We had a big list of resolutions for the Penguins, but it just comes down to: Resolve to stop sucking at hockey.
(3-7-0 in their last 10! Criminy!)

Scotty, we love you.