Monday, January 19, 2009

Ducks at Rangers - Caps at Sens - 7pm - Tues - 20 Jan 2009

Here at the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker we take Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Day very seriously. And not just because we regularly utilize the same crowd control techniques so often used by southern law enforcement during Civil Rights Marches on Rev. Timmy on an almost nightly basis. He's getting used to the tear-gas and the dogs are more and more reluctant to bite him (we're pretty sure he tastes funny) but a high pressure fire hose still puts him down and keeps him down till we can truncheon him to sleep every night.

No, it's because hockey has, over the last ten years or so, been forced to sit in the back of the sports bus, way back behind Texas Hold 'em and NASCAR and Mixed Martial Arts Unlimited Cage Fighting. (yep, we're comparing ourselves to Rosa Parks, sports-wise anyway. And if you get all "Women's National Basketball Association" up in our grill, we're gonna send Tie Domi to meet you in the parking lot after work.)

Saké Mike saw this week's flyer (which, though based on a Rev. Timmy idea, Dave Guadalahorowitz has masterly crafted into something that, we are hoping, will not invoke the ire of the NAACP or the Black Panthers) and launched right into an eloquent and really quite moving speech on how under-represented the Norwegians are in the NHL.

To quote:
"When, oh, when will hockey players be judged, not by the almost translucent paleness of their skin, but by the speed of their slap shot?"

Why they're gonna do that this coming Saturday in the Skills Competion and Sunday at the NHL All Star Game!

Whew, glad that's all sorted out, just like the whole race thing.

So flip a big old bird to Sheriff Clark* and Governor Faubus*, try not to be too afraid of all the angry white policemen in riot gear and peacefully march all the way from Birmingham to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown


105 Eldridge St.

(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)

Tuesday - 20 January 2009

from 7:00pm till Al Sharpton shows up with a bunch of TV Cameras to protest our gross misappropriation of the legacy of MLK and the Civil Rights Movement.

(We're kinda hoping this really happens. Then at least somebody will come down, even if they don't come in the bar and watch hockey. Oh, an we'll all be on the TV!)

This week:

The Anaheim Ducks at the New York Rangers

The Washington Capitals at the Ottawa Senators

No, we will not turn the channel to the Obama Inauguration "just for a sec."

Cripes, next you'll wanna start checking in on "American Idol."

We're all hoping that on Sunday the Pens have broken whatever gypsy curse they had on them, but it's a little hard to be too excited as the Rangers were all skating like the team was having a pancake eating contest during the first intermission and a Nyquil drinking contest during the second. We've been working on it all weekend with all the technical resources in the HNIC't Corporate Bunker and all the best minds we could get around a bottle of rye whiskey and have come to the conclusion that the only thing to do with Wade Redden is trade him to the WNBA (all right, fun's fun, but let's leave the ladies alone.)
he's making us sorta like Paul Mara (ugh!)

Also, Punk Rock Heavy Metal Karaoke is downstairs starting at 9pm, if you need just one more reason to come out. Or, I guess, one more reason to stay home.

Hockey, by any means necessary.
We shall overcome!!!!!!!!!

Not Cool? Up yours baby! We've got more Staples Singers, Public Enemy and Gil Scott-Heron records than you do!

Scotty, we love you.

* - Sheesh, where'd you go to school at? America?

Monday, January 12, 2009

Habs at B's - Rangers at Isles - Tues - 7pm - 13 January 2009

With the Penguins having gone 2-8-0 in their last 10 (!!!) our dear, sick, twisted Rev. Timmy has been a bit daffier than usual (the correct medical term is batshit.)
We had set up a field trip for him with our HNIC't New York Metropolitan Area Legal Counsel, Jeff Grand (a very busy man) and raconteur and provocateur extraordinaire Gentleman Tom to go see The Pro Bull Riders Invitational at MSG. Gentleman Tom was quite taken by the pretzel handled beer mugs but apparently nobody informed him that the true point of the exercise was to get Rev. Timmy to forget about hockey for just a little bit so we could get some work done around The Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker. Gentleman Tom proceeded to ply the Reverend with strong drink and accelerants and then gave him some packs of 1990 Topps Hockey Cards. When Rev. Timmy found a Patrick Roy and a Paul Coffey it was all over but the shouting (Ugh, sooooo much shouting.)
The field trip went out for ribs and then proceeded to MSG where they got to watch the cattle get it's revenge on the very species who serve their kin at restaurants with delicious BBQ Sauce and side salad.

So wipe off your hands with a moist towelette, loosen that strap around your junk that makes you buck up a storm and mosey on down to...
Night in Chinatown


105 Eldridge St.

(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)

Tuesday - 13 January 2009

from 7:00pm till we've looked through all the 1990 Topps Hockey Cards and found a Jagz Rookie Card for Rev. Timmy.

This week:

The Montréal Canadiens at the Boston Bruins

The New York Rangers at the New York Islanders

If you are a regular reader of the emails you know that quite often we have trouble thinking of stuff to put down in this section.
This is one of those times.

Ummmmmm. Here look at this (probably not safe for work, or home or looking at in your car while you're driving. On second though, maybe you should just not bother.)

Those Naked Girls are playing Hockey!

Alas, not ice hockey. No, it's not the bears, but they are probably easier to get skates on.

Scotty, we love you.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Horrific Hangovers Hamper Hip Hockey Happening

Well, we were hoping for a nice, warm, jolly, old-fashioned Holiday Season but instead Saké Mike celebrated the season with a nasty chest cold. Dave Guadalahorowitz got some sort of X-mas gut bug that made him miss out on some serious upstate uncle action. And Rev. Timmy got him self locked into the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker by crouching on one of the toilets in the women's room (come to think of it, he's in there a lot.)

With everyone out a'wassailing, as it were, our good Reverend dismantled the entire computer system in the HNIC't Graphics Department and Internet Pornography Bookmarking Unit (Iron Cursor Dojo, Clan of the Leaping Paint Bucket) and two of our best zambonis in an attempt to construct a Professional Class Snowplow Simulator like the one here:

What he finally came up with looks like this:

When Dave saw what Rev. Timmy had done he was so angry he started texting in ALL CAPS.
We're guessing Dave halfway wished he was back in his room barely keeping dry toast down and watching The Sarah Conner Chronicles or a Planet of the Apes Marathon.

Since we're all busy soldering, desoldering, rewiring and un-reconfiguring the Rev.'s Christmas "Present" we're not gonna make it down to Fontanas.
(Rev. Timmy got bored of the thing after he couldn't figure how to make it spill hot coffee in his lap and wandered off onto the steppes wearing just a loincloth and a big fuzzy hat.)

If you really need your Fontanas itch to be scratched there's still good times to be had:
Punk Rock Heavy Metal Karaoke!
(In no way affiliated with HNIC't. They insisted we make this clear to you.)


105 Eldridge St.

(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)

Tuesday - January 6, 2009

9pm till there's only person left and they want to sing "You Light Up My Life."

So head on down, wait your turn, sing your Krokus song and then rest up for next week:
Montréal at Boston.

Hockey New Year!!!!
We had a big list of resolutions for the Penguins, but it just comes down to: Resolve to stop sucking at hockey.
(3-7-0 in their last 10! Criminy!)

Scotty, we love you.