Monday, February 23, 2009

Anaheim Ducks at Buffalo Sabres - 7pm - Tues - 24 Feb '09

It's just about that time of year for everybody to start getting confused about who's with whom, who's going to be a free agent this summer (restricted? unrestricted?), who got traded where and what they're supposed to be doing there after all (didn't those two get hitched a while back, or eaten by alligators? They were such a cute couple.)

The Rangers just sacked Coach Tom Renney and hired John Tortorella who won a Stanley Cup. Tortorella used to Coach the Tampa Bay Lightning (sorry for the awkward sentence construction, our HNIC't Computers won't let us put a Florida Hockey Team and the Stanley Cup in the same sentence.) Also we're only about a week from the trade deadline so we're gonna hafta play cut n' paste with our rosters. Rev. Timmy's the worst of all. If you ask him, the Pens are still skating Phil Bourque, Paul Coffey and Ron Francis and have Tom Barrasso in goal (though that's probably more of a defense mechanism than anything, considering how the Pens have been doing. More likely still: amphetamine psychosis.)|HomeTradeCountdown

Sunday, after the Capitals 5-2 drubbing of the Penguins, Rev. Timmy went on one of his "hilarious to watch on a camera from the security office with Carlo who's always falling asleep but is really good at card tricks and let you hold his tazer that one time but took the battery pack out 'cause he was afraid you'd electrocute yourself and was probably right" but "terrifying to be anywhere near" office furniture extermination binges. While Aeron chair parts, computer keyboards, desk drawers and various pieces of laminated particle board were flying through the air all around him, Dave Guadalahorowitz deftly snatched his Chicken Parm sandwich out of the microwave, did a quick tuck and roll behind Charlene's reception desk and then ran serpentine into the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Archives and Pornography Warehousing Annex B.
With the Rev. all hopped up on nutmeg, wasabi and Powers Irish Whiskey spiked chocolate malted milkshakes, Dave had lots of time left over after he finished his sandwich to look through a stack of unsorted Dutch midget porn and find the rare pic above of the great Rocket Richard warming up before a game (admittedly our filing system is, shall we say, a little right-brain oriented.)

Supposedly Buckethead learned all his stuff from The Rocket (it really gets rolling at about :50.)

So collect all the big chunks of that formerly beautiful mahogany conference room table, get all 7 wrenches you need to change strings on your Kahler Tremolo System and run serpentine on down to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - 24 February 2009

from 7:00pm till everybody can run phrygian scales up and down the neck with verve and aplomb.

This week:

The Anaheim Ducks at the Buffalo Sabres (Yayyyy, Lilly!!!)

Saké Mike
is getting together a field trip to go find Wade Redden, duct tape him into a sleeping bag, tie the whole thing to a 1970 Dana 44 rear axle assembly and toss it in the Hudson River.
If you're going, wear some good sturdy shoes suitable for both kicking and running (hey, maybe Tom Renney wants to come. He must hate Redden most of all. Hmmm, maybe, Naslund.)
Do not wear one of the T-shirts from the link below. These are fancy "Saturday night stepping out" T-shirts, not play clothes.
(Hey, who's the sexy model? And why does he smell like a burning pile of office telephones and bitter, bitter tears?)

Trade me right fucking now!
And hang up.

Nipples like little rocks...

Scotty, we love you.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Sabres at Leafs - Devils at Panthers - Tues - 17 Feb 2009

Well, it's getting pretty glum around the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker. The Rangers seem to have lost whatever hop they had in their step (remember way back in the season when they were way ahead in first? us neither.) The Habs are 3-7-0 in their last ten after a pretty disappointing Western tour. The Penguins are flying about as high as their namesake, and just fired Coach Michel Therrien (no doubt because it's harder still to fire an entire hockey team.) And on top of all that the Stanley Cup Champion Red Wings lost to Colorado (and not even a goalie fight.)

On top of all that Rev. Timmy has had a cold for about a week and every time he sneezes it sounds like someone in a Shaw Brothers' Movie getting hit with a cart and then swearing in Mandarin.

So it's really not the environment we'd hoped for to introduce our newest ground breaking event:
Hockey Night in Chinatown's Gay Hockey Night

To be fair, Mrs. Saké Mike has been calling it that since we started. Hell, Holly, down at the bar was calling Dave Guadalahorowitz and Rev. Timmy gay way back before she even thought of opening Fontanas. All we've really got is the flyer and a link to the Madison Gay Hockey Association, but at least that's a start. If your significant other asks you why your Google history is full of "gay" or "lesbian hockey" or "big bear jams the slot on hot teen twink," you can go ahead and blame us here at HNIC't as it should be pretty obvious by now that we don't care what you or your life partner think of us.

So down a bottle of Nyquil, set your Tivo to record Will and Grace and mince your way down to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)

Tuesday - 17 February 2009

from 7:00pm till some gay hockey player comes down and beats us up for saying "mince your way down."

This week:

The Buffalo Sabres at the Toronto Maple Leafs

The New Jersey Devils at the Florida Panthers

It doesn't have anything to do with hockey or gay or even hockey pucks, but here's this weeks link:

We're here!

We're hockey fans!

Get used to it!

Keep reaching for that Rainbow!

Scotty, we love you.

Monday, February 9, 2009

HNIC't plays Hooky on Hockey

Busy, busy, busy.

Saké Mike is busy making a Power Point presentation on what a Lionhead Oranda is and why Don Cherry told The Hockey News he's getting one sent to him from Hong Kong for his 75th Birthday.

Dave Guadalahorowitz is busy running astronomy flash-card drills so he's nice and razor sharp for the Neil deGrasse Tyson lecture on Thursday (he's particularly keen to ask Dr. Tyson if he keeps his pants up with a Van Allen Belt. Ugh.)

Rev. Timmy has been busy up in the catwalks emptying and smashing liquor bottles (not always in that order) since the Canadiens harrowing loss to Calgary last night (2!!! short-handed goals, c'mon Habs, do you think you're the Rangers?) With the Habs losing 5 in a row on the road and the Pens shutout by Detroit on Sunday, it could be a while 'till he's fit for general population.

So, no Hockey Night in Chinatown this week.

We'll try again next week assuming some Preacher doesn't go batshit and weld the 11-foot blast doors shut.
(He's good for that at least twice a year and he hasn't even gotten caught trying it yet.)

H75thBD Grapes!


Monday, February 2, 2009

Capitals at Devils - 7pm - Tues - 3 February 2009

We would like to apologize for the absence of last week's email. We were all set to ship it when our interweb went out. After performing various diagnostic tests and calling our ISP, Dave Guadalahorowitz went down to our router room only to find our Cisco XR 12404 stuffed chock full of melted and melting little plastic army men. As they seemed to be Russian and were surrounded by little plastic Wehrmacht soldiers wearing winter gear (wow, those are some fancy little plastic army men!) we can only assume that Rev. Timmy was using our sophisticated switching equipment to reenact the Siege of Stalingrad. It took until just before the Superbowl to pick all the little guys outta there and give the unit a thorough cleaning. We apologize to any inconvenience this may have caused you and remind you that we warned you not to open up the Eastern Front until you had England in the bag.


We now return you to last week's flyer, with only the bare minimum of logistical updates, already in progress.Now that all the charges have been dismissed we can finally tell the tale.
Here's Saké Mike earlier this year in Puerto Rico on a Yoga Holiday that Mrs. Saké Mike took him on at our request (extended juvenile pleading, more like.)
Instead of joining in with all the Kundalini, Hatha and "Hot" Yoga going on, Mike decided to pioneer his own yoga variety: "Ice (Hockey)" Yoga.
It has poses such as "The Probert", "The Overly Dramatic Brodeur Butterfly Save" and the very advanced "Failure to Secure Your Tie Down And Fighting Another Guy With Your Sweater Pulled Over Your Head With Subsequent Game Ejection Series" (careful, the transition to the final "Shaking Your Fist at the Crowd as You are Led Off the Ice" Pose is a little tricky if you're not used to it.) The Yoga Instructors at the Retreat felt that Saké Mike wasn't really embracing the spirit of the whole thing as most of his sessions involved shoving, head butting, whacking folks with a hockey stick (up around the hands, mostly), waving razor sharp blades around on one's feet and childish name calling (Yes, yes, just like HNIC't. Very funny.) Unsurprisingly he was asked to take a time out down at the beach. Surprisingly he went. But not without sing-songing "YO-GA, YOOOOOO-GAAAAAA" like the Habs fans do to taunt opposing goalies for about an hour and a half. One instructor's chi was so disrupted he had to have extra mint in his green tea and listen to Balinese Gamelan Music on his Zune for an hour before he could get back to work. Predictably, the whole episode came to a head when Saké Mike offered (threatened) to fight the entire Yoga Retreat. Mrs. Saké Mike finally calmed him down and lured him back to their hut with some Sashimi Fatty Tuna and a copy of The Prose Edda (I'll tell ya, the works of Snorri Sturluson have gotten us outta more scrapes with that guy than anything else. We should really send Snorri a Christmas Card.)

We thought the whole episode was over and done with until, during the NHL All Star Super Skills Competition, we overheard Mike on the phone to his imaginary friend Dr. Bob, Hockey Night in Chinatown Chief Geneticist and Guelphian Splinter Faction Commandante (for an imaginary guy, Dr. Bob's a pretty busy fella, Rev. Timmy claims he even met him once.) Saké Mike was quizzing the good Doctor on the feasibility of breeding a strain of poisonous sea anemone that could survive overnight shipping to the islands and still leap out and paralyze whomever opened the box.

So if you receive any damp FedEx Shipments you might want to, I don't know, clear your schedule.

So put your yoga mat under your arm, cram your wallet in your mouth so you don't bite through your tongue and imagine sauntering on down to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - 3 February 2009
from 7:00pm till Major Hochstetter shows up and threatens to send us somewhere where we will most certainly be shot by Russians and/or freeze to death.
This week:
The Washington Capitals at the New Jersey Devils
Also, Free Tiger Beer from 7 to 9!!!

Now that we've all enjoyed Alex Ovechkin's prop comedy at the Super Skills Competion and the sleep inducing NHL All Star Game, screwing around time is officially over. Also at an end is that pesky Year of the Rat which, though it did see the Red Wings Win a Cup and the election of a President who is not a total Douchebag, also sent Mr. and Mrs. Saké Mike to Hackensack, NJ for most of last summer, allowed Rev. Timmy to join the Little Plastic Army Men and Jerky of the Month Club (this month: 18th Century Polish Heavy Hussars and Spicy Ostrich), and had Dave Guadalahorowitz burn his mouth on pizza (twice) and hot cocoa (three times, but one of them was really bad.) Also, Jagr went to The Russian Kontinental Hockey League, Sergei Gonchar has been out the whole season so far with a shoulder injury and Gary Bettman did not have someone drop a piano on him (or if someone did, Bettman was holding an umbrella.)

Year of the Ox, baby!

Git up on your hind legs and let's go!

You know who you are.

You are The Rangers, The Penguins and The Canadiens. The Red Wings seem to be doing just fine.

Scotty, we love you.