Monday, February 2, 2009

Capitals at Devils - 7pm - Tues - 3 February 2009

We would like to apologize for the absence of last week's email. We were all set to ship it when our interweb went out. After performing various diagnostic tests and calling our ISP, Dave Guadalahorowitz went down to our router room only to find our Cisco XR 12404 stuffed chock full of melted and melting little plastic army men. As they seemed to be Russian and were surrounded by little plastic Wehrmacht soldiers wearing winter gear (wow, those are some fancy little plastic army men!) we can only assume that Rev. Timmy was using our sophisticated switching equipment to reenact the Siege of Stalingrad. It took until just before the Superbowl to pick all the little guys outta there and give the unit a thorough cleaning. We apologize to any inconvenience this may have caused you and remind you that we warned you not to open up the Eastern Front until you had England in the bag.


We now return you to last week's flyer, with only the bare minimum of logistical updates, already in progress.Now that all the charges have been dismissed we can finally tell the tale.
Here's Saké Mike earlier this year in Puerto Rico on a Yoga Holiday that Mrs. Saké Mike took him on at our request (extended juvenile pleading, more like.)
Instead of joining in with all the Kundalini, Hatha and "Hot" Yoga going on, Mike decided to pioneer his own yoga variety: "Ice (Hockey)" Yoga.
It has poses such as "The Probert", "The Overly Dramatic Brodeur Butterfly Save" and the very advanced "Failure to Secure Your Tie Down And Fighting Another Guy With Your Sweater Pulled Over Your Head With Subsequent Game Ejection Series" (careful, the transition to the final "Shaking Your Fist at the Crowd as You are Led Off the Ice" Pose is a little tricky if you're not used to it.) The Yoga Instructors at the Retreat felt that Saké Mike wasn't really embracing the spirit of the whole thing as most of his sessions involved shoving, head butting, whacking folks with a hockey stick (up around the hands, mostly), waving razor sharp blades around on one's feet and childish name calling (Yes, yes, just like HNIC't. Very funny.) Unsurprisingly he was asked to take a time out down at the beach. Surprisingly he went. But not without sing-songing "YO-GA, YOOOOOO-GAAAAAA" like the Habs fans do to taunt opposing goalies for about an hour and a half. One instructor's chi was so disrupted he had to have extra mint in his green tea and listen to Balinese Gamelan Music on his Zune for an hour before he could get back to work. Predictably, the whole episode came to a head when Saké Mike offered (threatened) to fight the entire Yoga Retreat. Mrs. Saké Mike finally calmed him down and lured him back to their hut with some Sashimi Fatty Tuna and a copy of The Prose Edda (I'll tell ya, the works of Snorri Sturluson have gotten us outta more scrapes with that guy than anything else. We should really send Snorri a Christmas Card.)

We thought the whole episode was over and done with until, during the NHL All Star Super Skills Competition, we overheard Mike on the phone to his imaginary friend Dr. Bob, Hockey Night in Chinatown Chief Geneticist and Guelphian Splinter Faction Commandante (for an imaginary guy, Dr. Bob's a pretty busy fella, Rev. Timmy claims he even met him once.) Saké Mike was quizzing the good Doctor on the feasibility of breeding a strain of poisonous sea anemone that could survive overnight shipping to the islands and still leap out and paralyze whomever opened the box.

So if you receive any damp FedEx Shipments you might want to, I don't know, clear your schedule.

So put your yoga mat under your arm, cram your wallet in your mouth so you don't bite through your tongue and imagine sauntering on down to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - 3 February 2009
from 7:00pm till Major Hochstetter shows up and threatens to send us somewhere where we will most certainly be shot by Russians and/or freeze to death.
This week:
The Washington Capitals at the New Jersey Devils
Also, Free Tiger Beer from 7 to 9!!!

Now that we've all enjoyed Alex Ovechkin's prop comedy at the Super Skills Competion and the sleep inducing NHL All Star Game, screwing around time is officially over. Also at an end is that pesky Year of the Rat which, though it did see the Red Wings Win a Cup and the election of a President who is not a total Douchebag, also sent Mr. and Mrs. Saké Mike to Hackensack, NJ for most of last summer, allowed Rev. Timmy to join the Little Plastic Army Men and Jerky of the Month Club (this month: 18th Century Polish Heavy Hussars and Spicy Ostrich), and had Dave Guadalahorowitz burn his mouth on pizza (twice) and hot cocoa (three times, but one of them was really bad.) Also, Jagr went to The Russian Kontinental Hockey League, Sergei Gonchar has been out the whole season so far with a shoulder injury and Gary Bettman did not have someone drop a piano on him (or if someone did, Bettman was holding an umbrella.)

Year of the Ox, baby!

Git up on your hind legs and let's go!

You know who you are.

You are The Rangers, The Penguins and The Canadiens. The Red Wings seem to be doing just fine.

Scotty, we love you.

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