Monday, March 30, 2009

Hawks at Habs - 7:30pm - Tuesday - 31 March 2009

Things got a little quiet since Rev. Timmy was off making the world safe for dangerous maniacs and human jack-asses. So, Dave Guadalahorowitz decided to cook up some Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker Stylee Fun™ by hijacking every screen in the joint and making them display various NASA star maps (past, present and projected.) Then, just as everyone was getting comfy for their post pirogie eating contest nap, Dave got clearance from the good folks at JPL to reveal our super-secret program to save the Earth from an asteroid strike.

Admittedly, it may not seem very impressive to just have a Mite (well, he's in Pee Wee, actually) slapping on some tiny meteorite (meterorite/mite, get it? Oh, this stuff is wasted on you.) in the Nubian desert, but here at HNIC't we're all about getting them started on the fundamentals young and then growing the program.

By the time the asteroid Apophis (take that, SG-1 fans ) gets close in 2029 or 2036 we're we're planning to get somebody out there into space to one-time the thing right into the sun (suck it, you dopey dinosaurs.)

Oh, and whoever does it will have to be, like, 600 metres tall.

HNIC't Poisonous Anemone Breeding Facility is just the start.

Hockey Night in Chinatown: Bringing You a Gigantic Horrifying Tomorrow, Eventually!

So stow your Celestron CPC Series CPC 1100 GPS XLT Telescope (with Motorized Altazimuth Mount) wipe the sautéed onions and sour cream off your face and plummet through the atmosphere down to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown


105 Eldridge St.

(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)

Tuesday - March 31, '09

from 7:30pm till someone accurately predicts the arc of flight of a half full Labatt Blue bottle so that it conks Rev. Timmy right on the bean AND renders him unconscious (30 sec. minimum.)

This week:

The Chicago Blackhawks at the Montréal Canadiens

It's coming down to the wire and we're all clenched up hoping for what we want (Red Wings to get the President's Trophy yet again, various Class A Controlled Substances) and what we NEEEEEED (Pens, Habs and Rangers all in the playoffs, beer.)

It's looking more and more like Rev. Timmy's absence was just the calm before the storm.

Speaking of unpredictable forces of nature, if all those folks in NoDak are thanking God for not killing them with all the floods, who do they think caused the floods anyway?

Just kidding, North Dakotans. Take it easy and be well.

Speaking of giving blood and making God angry, Wednesday is Saké Mike's Birthday.
Hockey Birthday Saké Mike!!!!!
Yes, it is really on April Fools Day.

Well, that's just too freakin' goddamn bat-shit easy.

Hey it's that Miss Keeeeely's Birthday, too.

Whatever became of her? Got wise, I s'pose.

Scotty, we don't love you none.

April Fools!!!

Monday, March 2, 2009

Pens at Lightning - Devils at Leafs - HBDDG'hwitz - 7pm - Tues - 3 March '09

Well we've been running around more than usual here at the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker as it's our very own Dave Guadalahorowitz's Birthday! Yessiree, folks, our very own Grand Wizard of the Beautification of Flat Surfaces and Sensei of the HNIC't Graphics Department and Internet Pornography Bookmarking Unit (Iron Cursor Dojo, Clan of the Leaping Paint Bucket) has clicked over another year on his odometer and put another notch in his lipstick case (hmmm, is that right?) and we've been getting things ready for one of our fabled HNIC't Birthday Hootenannys (the last one registered 3.4 on the Richter Scale, and caused the Chicken Parm Futures Markets to waver alarmingly, wiping out several Icelandic Banks and an Italian Deli in Winnipeg.)

We even reconfigured the Atomic Voodoo Hockey Deathray and socked in the the whole Northeast with snow so everyone could emulate Dave and stay home in their PJ's, order some food in, and slave over a hot television set.

All of our fancy Cray XT5's are busy torrenting foreign language versions of Mad Max and The Road Warrior (don't tell Dave, it's a surprise. The guy they got to do the Gyro Captain for the Farsi version is especially entertaining) and Dave is holed up in his Dojo reading World War Z on his new Kindle 2 (highly recommended by Saké Mike as a very accurate tale of things to come, he hopes.) So, as you can see, we set Rev. Timmy to the task of putting together our flyer on an old Franklin Apple II Clone we were using to keep a lid on a tank in the HNIC't Poisonous Anemone Breeding Facility (wait, that tank's empty now. That just can't be good.)

I gotta say, since we set the Rev. up with that little task, there has been a noticeable decline in mysterious fires around here and a lot less shrieking and running (though it may just be because the Pens and Rangers seem like they might actually get it together and not miss the playoffs.)

How he got on the internet with that thing to surf for ASCII Art is no less amazing (alarming!!!) than our control of the weather or the hot sandwich futures markets.

So slip into that Snow Bunny suit you've been dying to wear just one more time before spring and zombie walk your way on down to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown


105 Eldridge St.

(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)

Tuesday - March 3, '09

from 7:00pm till we figure out how to get the Atomic Voodoo Hockey Deathray to make Chicken Parm Sandwiches.

This week:

The Pittsburgh Penguins at The Tampa Bay Lightning

The New Jersey Devils at The Toronto Maple Leafs

Hey, if your team ain't gonna go out and win a Stanley Cup for you, maybe you should get off your lazy ass and build one.
Then maybe you can sit inside it and maybe drink some beer.
Oh, and maybe catch a fish.

Remember, we said, maybe.

Now a special message from the robots we are building with the help of a pack of super intelligent talking dogs to battle the zombies.
(If that sentence doesn't terrify you good, you are just not paying any attention.*)



* You will be paying attention very soon.†