Hockey Night in Chinatown

Rangers at Caps DCHS* (UGH!) - Canes DCHS* at Devils - both Game 7 Eastern Conference Quarterfinals - 7pm Tues. - April 28, 2009

2009-04-27T20:29:00.001-07:00

Last week we were telling you cats how rough Rev. Timmy could be on flat screen TV's. Well it seems he's moved on to the even smaller, more innocent and more defenseless variety: the iPhone touch screen.

If you are an intern here at The Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker,

and if (!) the Habs got swept by the Bruins on Wednesday,

and even though the Pens finally dispatched the Flyers off to the land of wind and ghosts and tee-times (check your I Ching on that one. We prefer the Wilhelm/Baynes translation.)
http://www.cfcl.com/ching/

and IF (!!) you wander through the HNIC't Corporate Bunker on Sunday afternoon just about the time the Rangers totally put their ass in the air for the Washington Capitals (God, did you see that? That was just not cool, dude)

and you're carrying a copy of The Hockey News with Zdeno Chara on the Cover,
http://sports.yahoo.com/nhl/players/1700

and (!!!!!!!) you get hit in the head so hard with an iPhone (that has the picture Rev. Timmy took at the Garden when he recently took a field trip there with Mike J, Gentleman Tom and Dave Guadalahorowitz to make sure the Penguins got home ice for the playoffs (Suck it, Marty!†)) that you have to have an old (and rather poorly treated, shall we say) Cheri Magazine crammed in your mouth to keep you from swallowing your tongue,

and Saké Mike has to dip into his extensive horse tranquilizer collection (hmmmm, that fella has a lot of horse medicine for someone who doesn't actually have a horse. What up wit dat, yo?)
just to keep Rev. Timmy from finishing you off...

Well, all we can say is you should have more carefully read the tiny, tiny fine print in the HNIC't Intern Death and Dismemberment Release and chance to win a free iPod Sign-up Sheet as this series of events is specifically mentioned and your parents can sue us all they want but they'll never find us to collect (never!! NEVER!!!! AAAAHHHHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHHHHH!!!!!!!)

So direct the party of the first part to approach the bench, ummm, bar down at...
Hockey Night in Chinatown
Fontanas
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - 28 April 2009
from 7:00pm till everybody breaks something they love in a fit of rage and regrets it immediately.
This week:
The New York Rangers at the Washington Capitals
The New Jersey Devils at the Carolina Hurricanes*
both Game 7, Eastern Quarterfinal
[yeah we know some of those teams colors are white and red, but you ain't gonna see that so "Suck it, (your name here)!"]

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipisicing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum. Oh, by the way, the Detroit Red Wings are doing just fine.

C'mon Rangers...
What more can we say, really?
Ovie is fun and all, but dudes: Fucking Finish Them!!!*

WWWSBD‡

*Die Confederate Hockey Scum
† Of course we mean Philly Goalie Marty Biron, but Dave Guadalahorowitz would like you to think of a guy in a Herb Tarlek jacket quitting his job at a used car lot every time we yell this. We just want you to check how huge the Herb Tarlek entry is on Wikipediea. Sheesh.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Herb_Tarlek
I mean, it's almost as big as Lao-Tzu's (wait, that can't be right. hmmm, whaddaya know?)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lao_Tze
‡ What would William Scott Bowman do?

Tax and Title not included. We're tired of you and your whole buttoned down, plastic fantastic freaky Madison Avenue scene. May cause anal leakage. "I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence. or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me" - HST. If erection persists after four hours then consult your...really? You kept reading after "anal leakage", sheeeeshhh, what is up with you? I mean really. We are by no means the judging sort but dude now you're just reading the tiny text to make sure you're reading all the tiny text. And yet you can't make it out to watch Hockey and listen to records with us in person? C'mon you Otaku muther luvver. At least leave a comment on the blog! Hello? Hello!!! Awwww, who cares....dammi! Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipisicing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum. Oh, and up yours Daddy-O. Up yours all the way!!!!

Pens at Flyers - Devils at Canes - Canucks at Blues - 1st Round Playoffs - 7pm - Tues - April 21, 2009

2009-04-20T19:29:00.001-07:00

It's getting harder and harder to watch Hockey around the Hockey NIght in Chinatown Corporate Bunker starting, oh, Saturday Night (Bos 5 - Mtl 1.) It's a good thing we bought up a bunch of flat screen TV's when Circuit City was going out of business because Rev. Timmy is going through them like bourbon bottles (coincidentally, he is sending the bourbon bottles through the flat screen TV's and that is why we are going through them so quickly.) It is also one reason why we don't allow children in the HNIC't Corporate Bunker (last time Rev. Timmy watched hockey with his nieces, they all learned words even their Dad and Granddad didn't know. And they're both firefighters!) Instead we keep them at the HNIC't Rural Child-rearing and Advanced Opeth DVD Watching Facility in Croton-on-Hudson.

Above is Miss Gracie, and for only the cost of a really bitchin' motorcycle every week, you can help make sure her Dad and her Uncle Reverend Timmy get Gold Club Seats at MSG for the rest of the Playoffs and even on to the Stanley Cup Final.

Please, won't you call now?

Otherwise tie your flat screen TV to your really bitchin' motorbike and crotch rocket your way down to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown
Fontanas
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - April 21, '09
from 7:00pm till we figure out how to fence all the TV's and bikes we're gonna have by the end of the night.
This week:
The Pittsburgh Penguins at Philadelphia Flyers Game 4 (Pens 2-1)
The New Jersey Devils at Carolina Hurricanes* Game 4 (NJ 2-1)
The Vancouver Canucks at the St. Louis Blues Game 4 (Van 3-0)

We believe that the Children are our Future!
Unless we stop them now!!!!!!
Yeah, we know Homer Simpson said it first
(hell, most of this stuff is stolen from the Simpsons. That, or old Oui Magazines.)
Besides, the Chicago/Calgary game is tied up.

Scotty we love you.

* Die Confederate Hockey Scum

Hawks at Habs - 7:30pm - Tuesday - 31 March 2009

2009-03-30T20:49:00.001-07:00

Things got a little quiet since Rev. Timmy was off making the world safe for dangerous maniacs and human jack-asses. So, Dave Guadalahorowitz decided to cook up some Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker Stylee Fun™ by hijacking every screen in the joint and making them display various NASA star maps (past, present and projected.) Then, just as everyone was getting comfy for their post pirogie eating contest nap, Dave got clearance from the good folks at JPL to reveal our super-secret program to save the Earth from an asteroid strike.
http://antwrp.gsfc.nasa.gov/apod/ap090328.html

Admittedly, it may not seem very impressive to just have a Mite (well, he's in Pee Wee, actually) slapping on some tiny meteorite (meterorite/mite, get it? Oh, this stuff is wasted on you.) in the Nubian desert, but here at HNIC't we're all about getting them started on the fundamentals young and then growing the program.

By the time the asteroid Apophis (take that, SG-1 fans ) gets close in 2029 or 2036 we're we're planning to get somebody out there into space to one-time the thing right into the sun (suck it, you dopey dinosaurs.)
http://neo.jpl.nasa.gov/apophis/

Oh, and whoever does it will have to be, like, 600 metres tall.

HNIC't Poisonous Anemone Breeding Facility is just the start.

Hockey Night in Chinatown: Bringing You a Gigantic Horrifying Tomorrow, Eventually!

So stow your Celestron CPC Series CPC 1100 GPS XLT Telescope (with Motorized Altazimuth Mount) wipe the sautéed onions and sour cream off your face and plummet through the atmosphere down to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown
Fontanas
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - March 31, '09
from 7:30pm till someone accurately predicts the arc of flight of a half full Labatt Blue bottle so that it conks Rev. Timmy right on the bean AND renders him unconscious (30 sec. minimum.)
This week:
The Chicago Blackhawks at the Montréal Canadiens

It's coming down to the wire and we're all clenched up hoping for what we want (Red Wings to get the President's Trophy yet again, various Class A Controlled Substances) and what we NEEEEEED (Pens, Habs and Rangers all in the playoffs, beer.)

It's looking more and more like Rev. Timmy's absence was just the calm before the storm.

Speaking of unpredictable forces of nature, if all those folks in NoDak are thanking God for not killing them with all the floods, who do they think caused the floods anyway?
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090329/ap_on_re_us/midwest_flooding

Just kidding, North Dakotans. Take it easy and be well.
http://www.redcross.org/

Speaking of giving blood and making God angry, Wednesday is Saké Mike's Birthday.
Hockey Birthday Saké Mike!!!!!
Yes, it is really on April Fools Day.
Well, that's just too freakin' goddamn bat-shit easy.

Hey it's that Miss Keeeeely's Birthday, too.
Whatever became of her? Got wise, I s'pose.

Scotty, we don't love you none.

April Fools!!!

Pens at Lightning - Devils at Leafs - HBDDG'hwitz - 7pm - Tues - 3 March '09

2009-03-02T12:19:00.001-08:00

Well we've been running around more than usual here at the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker as it's our very own Dave Guadalahorowitz's Birthday! Yessiree, folks, our very own Grand Wizard of the Beautification of Flat Surfaces and Sensei of the HNIC't Graphics Department and Internet Pornography Bookmarking Unit (Iron Cursor Dojo, Clan of the Leaping Paint Bucket) has clicked over another year on his odometer and put another notch in his lipstick case (hmmm, is that right?) and we've been getting things ready for one of our fabled HNIC't Birthday Hootenannys (the last one registered 3.4 on the Richter Scale, and caused the Chicken Parm Futures Markets to waver alarmingly, wiping out several Icelandic Banks and an Italian Deli in Winnipeg.)

We even reconfigured the Atomic Voodoo Hockey Deathray and socked in the the whole Northeast with snow so everyone could emulate Dave and stay home in their PJ's, order some food in, and slave over a hot television set.

All of our fancy Cray XT5's are busy torrenting foreign language versions of Mad Max and The Road Warrior (don't tell Dave, it's a surprise. The guy they got to do the Gyro Captain for the Farsi version is especially entertaining) and Dave is holed up in his Dojo reading World War Z on his new Kindle 2 (highly recommended by Saké Mike as a very accurate tale of things to come, he hopes.) So, as you can see, we set Rev. Timmy to the task of putting together our flyer on an old Franklin Apple II Clone we were using to keep a lid on a tank in the HNIC't Poisonous Anemone Breeding Facility (wait, that tank's empty now. That just can't be good.)
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00154JDAI/?tag=googhydr-20&hvadid=3098353217&ref=pd_sl_41di7k8jq1_b
http://www.randomhouse.com/crown/worldwarz/index2.php

I gotta say, since we set the Rev. up with that little task, there has been a noticeable decline in mysterious fires around here and a lot less shrieking and running (though it may just be because the Pens and Rangers seem like they might actually get it together and not miss the playoffs.)

How he got on the internet with that thing to surf for ASCII Art is no less amazing (alarming!!!) than our control of the weather or the hot sandwich futures markets.
http://ascii-art.surfhome.de/content.php?id=sports

So slip into that Snow Bunny suit you've been dying to wear just one more time before spring and zombie walk your way on down to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown
Fontanas
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - March 3, '09
from 7:00pm till we figure out how to get the Atomic Voodoo Hockey Deathray to make Chicken Parm Sandwiches.
This week:
The Pittsburgh Penguins at The Tampa Bay Lightning
The New Jersey Devils at The Toronto Maple Leafs

Hey, if your team ain't gonna go out and win a Stanley Cup for you, maybe you should get off your lazy ass and build one.
Then maybe you can sit inside it and maybe drink some beer.
Oh, and maybe catch a fish.
http://revver.com/video/752381/stanley-cup-ice-fishing-hut/

Remember, we said, maybe.

Now a special message from the robots we are building with the help of a pack of super intelligent talking dogs to battle the zombies.
(If that sentence doesn't terrify you good, you are just not paying any attention.*)

010010000110000101110000011100000111100100100000010000100110100101110010011101000110100001100100011000010111100100100000010001000110000101110110011001010010000001000111011101010110000101100100011000010110110001100001011010000110111101110010011011110111011101101001011101000111101000100001001000010010000100001101000010100100100001101111011000110110101101100101011110010111100101111001011110010111100101111001011110010111100101111001011110010111100100100001001000010010000100100001
http://www.roubaixinteractive.com/PlayGround/Binary_Conversion/Binary_To_Text.asp

0101001101100011011011110111010001110100011110010010110000100000011101110110010100100000011011000110111101110110011001010010000001111001011011110111010100101110

* You will be paying attention very soon.†

†Ahhhhhhhhhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!

Anaheim Ducks at Buffalo Sabres - 7pm - Tues - 24 Feb '09

2009-02-23T21:35:00.001-08:00

It's just about that time of year for everybody to start getting confused about who's with whom, who's going to be a free agent this summer (restricted? unrestricted?), who got traded where and what they're supposed to be doing there after all (didn't those two get hitched a while back, or eaten by alligators? They were such a cute couple.)

The Rangers just sacked Coach Tom Renney and hired John Tortorella who won a Stanley Cup. Tortorella used to Coach the Tampa Bay Lightning (sorry for the awkward sentence construction, our HNIC't Computers won't let us put a Florida Hockey Team and the Stanley Cup in the same sentence.) Also we're only about a week from the trade deadline so we're gonna hafta play cut n' paste with our rosters. Rev. Timmy's the worst of all. If you ask him, the Pens are still skating Phil Bourque, Paul Coffey and Ron Francis and have Tom Barrasso in goal (though that's probably more of a defense mechanism than anything, considering how the Pens have been doing. More likely still: amphetamine psychosis.)
http://www.cbc.ca/sports/hockey/story/2009/02/23/renney-rangers-fired.html?ref=rss
http://www.nhl.com/ice/newsindex.htm?location=/deadline/2009&navid=NHL|HomeTradeCountdown

Sunday, after the Capitals 5-2 drubbing of the Penguins, Rev. Timmy went on one of his "hilarious to watch on a camera from the security office with Carlo who's always falling asleep but is really good at card tricks and let you hold his tazer that one time but took the battery pack out 'cause he was afraid you'd electrocute yourself and was probably right" but "terrifying to be anywhere near" office furniture extermination binges. While Aeron chair parts, computer keyboards, desk drawers and various pieces of laminated particle board were flying through the air all around him, Dave Guadalahorowitz deftly snatched his Chicken Parm sandwich out of the microwave, did a quick tuck and roll behind Charlene's reception desk and then ran serpentine into the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Archives and Pornography Warehousing Annex B.
With the Rev. all hopped up on nutmeg, wasabi and Powers Irish Whiskey spiked chocolate malted milkshakes, Dave had lots of time left over after he finished his sandwich to look through a stack of unsorted Dutch midget porn and find the rare pic above of the great Rocket Richard warming up before a game (admittedly our filing system is, shall we say, a little right-brain oriented.)

Supposedly Buckethead learned all his stuff from The Rocket (it really gets rolling at about :50.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pngkxpmhMAg

So collect all the big chunks of that formerly beautiful mahogany conference room table, get all 7 wrenches you need to change strings on your Kahler Tremolo System and run serpentine on down to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown
Fontanas
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - 24 February 2009
from 7:00pm till everybody can run phrygian scales up and down the neck with verve and aplomb.
This week:
The Anaheim Ducks at the Buffalo Sabres (Yayyyy, Lilly!!!)

Saké Mike is getting together a field trip to go find Wade Redden, duct tape him into a sleeping bag, tie the whole thing to a 1970 Dana 44 rear axle assembly and toss it in the Hudson River.
If you're going, wear some good sturdy shoes suitable for both kicking and running (hey, maybe Tom Renney wants to come. He must hate Redden most of all. Hmmm, maybe, Naslund.)
Do not wear one of the T-shirts from the link below. These are fancy "Saturday night stepping out" T-shirts, not play clothes.
(Hey, who's the sexy model? And why does he smell like a burning pile of office telephones and bitter, bitter tears?)
http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=6841250

Trade me right fucking now!
And hang up.
Nipples like little rocks...

Scotty, we love you.

Sabres at Leafs - Devils at Panthers - Tues - 17 Feb 2009

2009-02-16T19:38:00.000-08:00

Well, it's getting pretty glum around the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker. The Rangers seem to have lost whatever hop they had in their step (remember way back in the season when they were way ahead in first? us neither.) The Habs are 3-7-0 in their last ten after a pretty disappointing Western tour. The Penguins are flying about as high as their namesake, and just fired Coach Michel Therrien (no doubt because it's harder still to fire an entire hockey team.) And on top of all that the Stanley Cup Champion Red Wings lost to Colorado (and not even a goalie fight.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7WsxQ6okpg8&feature=related

On top of all that Rev. Timmy has had a cold for about a week and every time he sneezes it sounds like someone in a Shaw Brothers' Movie getting hit with a cart and then swearing in Mandarin.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yk_fAKWQenw&feature=PlayList&p=17390F58F97687E9&playnext=1&index=52

So it's really not the environment we'd hoped for to introduce our newest ground breaking event:
Hockey Night in Chinatown's Gay Hockey Night

To be fair, Mrs. Saké Mike has been calling it that since we started. Hell, Holly, down at the bar was calling Dave Guadalahorowitz and Rev. Timmy gay way back before she even thought of opening Fontanas. All we've really got is the flyer and a link to the Madison Gay Hockey Association, but at least that's a start. If your significant other asks you why your Google history is full of "gay" or "lesbian hockey" or "big bear jams the slot on hot teen twink," you can go ahead and blame us here at HNIC't as it should be pretty obvious by now that we don't care what you or your life partner think of us.
http://www.madisongayhockey.org/

So down a bottle of Nyquil, set your Tivo to record Will and Grace and mince your way down to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown
Fontanas
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - 17 February 2009
from 7:00pm till some gay hockey player comes down and beats us up for saying "mince your way down."
This week:
The Buffalo Sabres at the Toronto Maple Leafs
The New Jersey Devils at the Florida Panthers

It doesn't have anything to do with hockey or gay or even hockey pucks, but here's this weeks link:
http://www.thehockeypuck.com/

We're here!
We're hockey fans!
Get used to it!
Keep reaching for that Rainbow!

Scotty, we love you.

HNIC't plays Hooky on Hockey

2009-02-09T20:41:00.000-08:00

Busy, busy, busy.

Saké Mike is busy making a Power Point presentation on what a Lionhead Oranda is and why Don Cherry told The Hockey News he's getting one sent to him from Hong Kong for his 75th Birthday.
http://www.brooklands.co.nz/gold/oranda.htm
http://www.cbc.ca/sports/hockey/hockeynightincanada/coachscorner/

Dave Guadalahorowitz is busy running astronomy flash-card drills so he's nice and razor sharp for the Neil deGrasse Tyson lecture on Thursday (he's particularly keen to ask Dr. Tyson if he keeps his pants up with a Van Allen Belt. Ugh.)
http://www.haydenplanetarium.org/tyson/

Rev. Timmy has been busy up in the catwalks emptying and smashing liquor bottles (not always in that order) since the Canadiens harrowing loss to Calgary last night (2!!! short-handed goals, c'mon Habs, do you think you're the Rangers?) With the Habs losing 5 in a row on the road and the Pens shutout by Detroit on Sunday, it could be a while 'till he's fit for general population.

So, no Hockey Night in Chinatown this week.

We'll try again next week assuming some Preacher doesn't go batshit and weld the 11-foot blast doors shut.
(He's good for that at least twice a year and he hasn't even gotten caught trying it yet.)

H75thBD Grapes!
swly

Capitals at Devils - 7pm - Tues - 3 February 2009

2009-02-02T19:34:00.001-08:00

We would like to apologize for the absence of last week's email. We were all set to ship it when our interweb went out. After performing various diagnostic tests and calling our ISP, Dave Guadalahorowitz went down to our router room only to find our Cisco XR 12404 stuffed chock full of melted and melting little plastic army men. As they seemed to be Russian and were surrounded by little plastic Wehrmacht soldiers wearing winter gear (wow, those are some fancy little plastic army men!) we can only assume that Rev. Timmy was using our sophisticated switching equipment to reenact the Siege of Stalingrad. It took until just before the Superbowl to pick all the little guys outta there and give the unit a thorough cleaning. We apologize to any inconvenience this may have caused you and remind you that we warned you not to open up the Eastern Front until you had England in the bag.

Wait...what???

We now return you to last week's flyer, with only the bare minimum of logistical updates, already in progress.Now that all the charges have been dismissed we can finally tell the tale.
Here's Saké Mike earlier this year in Puerto Rico on a Yoga Holiday that Mrs. Saké Mike took him on at our request (extended juvenile pleading, more like.)
Instead of joining in with all the Kundalini, Hatha and "Hot" Yoga going on, Mike decided to pioneer his own yoga variety: "Ice (Hockey)" Yoga.
It has poses such as "The Probert", "The Overly Dramatic Brodeur Butterfly Save" and the very advanced "Failure to Secure Your Tie Down And Fighting Another Guy With Your Sweater Pulled Over Your Head With Subsequent Game Ejection Series" (careful, the transition to the final "Shaking Your Fist at the Crowd as You are Led Off the Ice" Pose is a little tricky if you're not used to it.) The Yoga Instructors at the Retreat felt that Saké Mike wasn't really embracing the spirit of the whole thing as most of his sessions involved shoving, head butting, whacking folks with a hockey stick (up around the hands, mostly), waving razor sharp blades around on one's feet and childish name calling (Yes, yes, just like HNIC't. Very funny.) Unsurprisingly he was asked to take a time out down at the beach. Surprisingly he went. But not without sing-songing "YO-GA, YOOOOOO-GAAAAAA" like the Habs fans do to taunt opposing goalies for about an hour and a half. One instructor's chi was so disrupted he had to have extra mint in his green tea and listen to Balinese Gamelan Music on his Zune for an hour before he could get back to work. Predictably, the whole episode came to a head when Saké Mike offered (threatened) to fight the entire Yoga Retreat. Mrs. Saké Mike finally calmed him down and lured him back to their hut with some Sashimi Fatty Tuna and a copy of The Prose Edda (I'll tell ya, the works of Snorri Sturluson have gotten us outta more scrapes with that guy than anything else. We should really send Snorri a Christmas Card.)
http://yoga.about.com/od/typesofyoga/a/yogatypes.htm
http://www.amazon.com/Prose-Edda-Mythology-Penguin-Classics/dp/0140447555

We thought the whole episode was over and done with until, during the NHL All Star Super Skills Competition, we overheard Mike on the phone to his imaginary friend Dr. Bob, Hockey Night in Chinatown Chief Geneticist and Guelphian Splinter Faction Commandante (for an imaginary guy, Dr. Bob's a pretty busy fella, Rev. Timmy claims he even met him once.) Saké Mike was quizzing the good Doctor on the feasibility of breeding a strain of poisonous sea anemone that could survive overnight shipping to the islands and still leap out and paralyze whomever opened the box.

So if you receive any damp FedEx Shipments you might want to, I don't know, clear your schedule.

So put your yoga mat under your arm, cram your wallet in your mouth so you don't bite through your tongue and imagine sauntering on down to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown
Fontanas
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - 3 February 2009
from 7:00pm till Major Hochstetter shows up and threatens to send us somewhere where we will most certainly be shot by Russians and/or freeze to death.
This week:
The Washington Capitals at the New Jersey Devils
Also, Free Tiger Beer from 7 to 9!!!

Now that we've all enjoyed Alex Ovechkin's prop comedy at the Super Skills Competion and the sleep inducing NHL All Star Game, screwing around time is officially over. Also at an end is that pesky Year of the Rat which, though it did see the Red Wings Win a Cup and the election of a President who is not a total Douchebag, also sent Mr. and Mrs. Saké Mike to Hackensack, NJ for most of last summer, allowed Rev. Timmy to join the Little Plastic Army Men and Jerky of the Month Club (this month: 18th Century Polish Heavy Hussars and Spicy Ostrich), and had Dave Guadalahorowitz burn his mouth on pizza (twice) and hot cocoa (three times, but one of them was really bad.) Also, Jagr went to The Russian Kontinental Hockey League, Sergei Gonchar has been out the whole season so far with a shoulder injury and Gary Bettman did not have someone drop a piano on him (or if someone did, Bettman was holding an umbrella.)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polish_Hussars
http://www.firebettman.com/

Year of the Ox, baby!
Git up on your hind legs and let's go!
You know who you are.
You are The Rangers, The Penguins and The Canadiens. The Red Wings seem to be doing just fine.

Scotty, we love you.

Ducks at Rangers - Caps at Sens - 7pm - Tues - 20 Jan 2009

2009-01-19T19:32:00.000-08:00

Here at the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker we take Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Day very seriously. And not just because we regularly utilize the same crowd control techniques so often used by southern law enforcement during Civil Rights Marches on Rev. Timmy on an almost nightly basis. He's getting used to the tear-gas and the dogs are more and more reluctant to bite him (we're pretty sure he tastes funny) but a high pressure fire hose still puts him down and keeps him down till we can truncheon him to sleep every night.
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-5595586008297413932&ei=wyd1SdKdJ5KwqwKMqPC7BQ&hl=en

No, it's because hockey has, over the last ten years or so, been forced to sit in the back of the sports bus, way back behind Texas Hold 'em and NASCAR and Mixed Martial Arts Unlimited Cage Fighting. (yep, we're comparing ourselves to Rosa Parks, sports-wise anyway. And if you get all "Women's National Basketball Association" up in our grill, we're gonna send Tie Domi to meet you in the parking lot after work.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytC3JxQcDWA

Saké Mike saw this week's flyer (which, though based on a Rev. Timmy idea, Dave Guadalahorowitz has masterly crafted into something that, we are hoping, will not invoke the ire of the NAACP or the Black Panthers) and launched right into an eloquent and really quite moving speech on how under-represented the Norwegians are in the NHL.
http://www.legendsofhockey.net:8080/LegendsOfHockey/jsp/SearchPlayersByCountry.jsp?co=NOR

To quote:
"When, oh, when will hockey players be judged, not by the almost translucent paleness of their skin, but by the speed of their slap shot?"

Why they're gonna do that this coming Saturday in the Skills Competion and Sunday at the NHL All Star Game!
http://www.nhl.com/ice/eventhome.htm?location=/allstar/2009

Whew, glad that's all sorted out, just like the whole race thing.

So flip a big old bird to Sheriff Clark* and Governor Faubus*, try not to be too afraid of all the angry white policemen in riot gear and peacefully march all the way from Birmingham to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown
Fontanas
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - 20 January 2009
from 7:00pm till Al Sharpton shows up with a bunch of TV Cameras to protest our gross misappropriation of the legacy of MLK and the Civil Rights Movement.
(We're kinda hoping this really happens. Then at least somebody will come down, even if they don't come in the bar and watch hockey. Oh, an we'll all be on the TV!)
This week:
The Anaheim Ducks at the New York Rangers
The Washington Capitals at the Ottawa Senators
No, we will not turn the channel to the Obama Inauguration "just for a sec."
Cripes, next you'll wanna start checking in on "American Idol."

We're all hoping that on Sunday the Pens have broken whatever gypsy curse they had on them, but it's a little hard to be too excited as the Rangers were all skating like the team was having a pancake eating contest during the first intermission and a Nyquil drinking contest during the second. We've been working on it all weekend with all the technical resources in the HNIC't Corporate Bunker and all the best minds we could get around a bottle of rye whiskey and have come to the conclusion that the only thing to do with Wade Redden is trade him to the WNBA (all right, fun's fun, but let's leave the ladies alone.)
Criminy, he's making us sorta like Paul Mara (ugh!)
http://www.nhl.com/ice/recap.htm?id=2008020673

Also, Punk Rock Heavy Metal Karaoke is downstairs starting at 9pm, if you need just one more reason to come out. Or, I guess, one more reason to stay home.
http://www.punkmetalkaraoke.com/

Hockey, by any means necessary.
We shall overcome!!!!!!!!!
Not Cool? Up yours baby! We've got more Staples Singers, Public Enemy and Gil Scott-Heron records than you do!

Scotty, we love you.

* - Sheesh, where'd you go to school at? America?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jim_Clark_(sheriff)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Orval_Faubus

Habs at B's - Rangers at Isles - Tues - 7pm - 13 January 2009

2009-01-12T20:03:00.001-08:00

With the Penguins having gone 2-8-0 in their last 10 (!!!) our dear, sick, twisted Rev. Timmy has been a bit daffier than usual (the correct medical term is batshit.)
We had set up a field trip for him with our HNIC't New York Metropolitan Area Legal Counsel, Jeff Grand (a very busy man) and raconteur and provocateur extraordinaire Gentleman Tom to go see The Pro Bull Riders Invitational at MSG. Gentleman Tom was quite taken by the pretzel handled beer mugs but apparently nobody informed him that the true point of the exercise was to get Rev. Timmy to forget about hockey for just a little bit so we could get some work done around The Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker. Gentleman Tom proceeded to ply the Reverend with strong drink and accelerants and then gave him some packs of 1990 Topps Hockey Cards. When Rev. Timmy found a Patrick Roy and a Paul Coffey it was all over but the shouting (Ugh, sooooo much shouting.)
The field trip went out for ribs and then proceeded to MSG where they got to watch the cattle get it's revenge on the very species who serve their kin at restaurants with delicious BBQ Sauce and side salad.
http://www.pbrnow.com/release/?id=4601

So wipe off your hands with a moist towelette, loosen that strap around your junk that makes you buck up a storm and mosey on down to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown
Fontanas
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - 13 January 2009
from 7:00pm till we've looked through all the 1990 Topps Hockey Cards and found a Jagz Rookie Card for Rev. Timmy.
This week:
The Montréal Canadiens at the Boston Bruins
The New York Rangers at the New York Islanders

If you are a regular reader of the emails you know that quite often we have trouble thinking of stuff to put down in this section.
This is one of those times.

Ummmmmm. Here look at this (probably not safe for work, or home or looking at in your car while you're driving. On second though, maybe you should just not bother.)
http://www.newnudemag.com/en/the_vulis_files/15.html

Those Naked Girls are playing Hockey!
Alas, not ice hockey. No, it's not the bears, but they are probably easier to get skates on.

Scotty, we love you.

Horrific Hangovers Hamper Hip Hockey Happening

2009-01-06T12:04:00.000-08:00

Well, we were hoping for a nice, warm, jolly, old-fashioned Holiday Season but instead Saké Mike celebrated the season with a nasty chest cold. Dave Guadalahorowitz got some sort of X-mas gut bug that made him miss out on some serious upstate uncle action. And Rev. Timmy got him self locked into the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker by crouching on one of the toilets in the women's room (come to think of it, he's in there a lot.)

With everyone out a'wassailing, as it were, our good Reverend dismantled the entire computer system in the HNIC't Graphics Department and Internet Pornography Bookmarking Unit (Iron Cursor Dojo, Clan of the Leaping Paint Bucket) and two of our best zambonis in an attempt to construct a Professional Class Snowplow Simulator like the one here:
http://www.go-explore-trans.org/2007/jan-feb/snowplowsim.cfm

What he finally came up with looks like this:
http://www.dailyhaha.com/_flash/snow_storm.htm

When Dave saw what Rev. Timmy had done he was so angry he started texting in ALL CAPS.
We're guessing Dave halfway wished he was back in his room barely keeping dry toast down and watching The Sarah Conner Chronicles or a Planet of the Apes Marathon.

Since we're all busy soldering, desoldering, rewiring and un-reconfiguring the Rev.'s Christmas "Present" we're not gonna make it down to Fontanas.
(Rev. Timmy got bored of the thing after he couldn't figure how to make it spill hot coffee in his lap and wandered off onto the steppes wearing just a loincloth and a big fuzzy hat.)

If you really need your Fontanas itch to be scratched there's still good times to be had:
Punk Rock Heavy Metal Karaoke!
(In no way affiliated with HNIC't. They insisted we make this clear to you.)
Fontanas
Downstairs
http://www.myspace.com/fontanas
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - January 6, 2009
9pm till there's only person left and they want to sing "You Light Up My Life."

So head on down, wait your turn, sing your Krokus song and then rest up for next week:
Montréal at Boston.

Hockey New Year!!!!
We had a big list of resolutions for the Penguins, but it just comes down to: Resolve to stop sucking at hockey.
(3-7-0 in their last 10! Criminy!)

Scotty, we love you.
HBDDD

Caps at Isles - Devils at Leafs - Rangers at Ducks - 7pm - Tues - 16 Dec '08

2008-12-15T20:22:00.001-08:00

Rev. Timmy, Saké Mike and Mrs. Saké Mike went out to The Prudential Center to a) Cheer on the Rangers and b) watch some good hockey. Instead they got to watch the Devils score 8 goals.

Let's do that last bit again.
They got to watch the New Jersey Devils score 8 goals on the Rangers and Henrik Lundqvist.
(Christ, the Rangers let in 2(!!!) shorthanded goals!)

Peppy was supposed to go but he was home sick with some bug. Seems like something's going around, and we mean around the NHL. Most of our favorite teams have been, to be generous, a little off.

When Rev. Timmy and Saké Mike got back to the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker they seemed a little glassy eyed and bewildered (not for the usual reasons, neither) and just sat in the lobby area staring at Charlene the Receptionist.

The only thing that got them moving at all was repeated high volume playings of Prince Far I records.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M_XX72lu_JM

Not terribly conducive to getting anything done. Dave refused to even come out of the Graphics Dojo and we had to make this week's flyer down at the local Kinko's out of one of the few magazine pictures of Lindsey Lohan that remain "unused" as we call it around here.

Sorry, not very Christmas-y either. Feel free to make your own Ho-ho-ho joke if that's what it takes to get you in the mood.

So slip on your Scott Stevens sweater, crank the volume up to "eye ball rattling" on your sound system trailer and skank* on down to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown
Fontanas
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - 16 December, 2008
from 7:00pm till we've stopped staring at Charlene the Receptionist.
This week:
The Washington Capitals at the New York Islanders
The New Jersey Devils at the Toronto Maple Leafs
The New York Rangers at the Anaheim Ducks
(starts at 10pm, limited DJ support)

Dave Guadalahorowitz and Rev. Timmy will be playing tunes all night, but the Fontanas folks insist that they retreat to the DJ booth after 10pm.
(If you think about it, it just makes good sense. Or at least more sense than letting them play records in your bar in the first place.)
We think they'll let us keep the Rangers game on, if only to avoid 2 1/2 solid hours of "Please?! Can we?! Please?! Can we?! Awwww, you're mean!"

One bright spot from the trip to The Rock was to remind us all of something we get cheated out of here in New York at Madison Square Garden:
Ice Strippers!
Rev. Timmy keeps calling them "Ice Hookers" and we just know that's gonna lead to a hilarious (for us) and painful (for him, tee hee) interaction of some sort. Heck, if he keeps up the way he's been going, there might even be a story on the front page of the paper (Just think, hockey (sort of) on the front page of the paper!)

Here's some Ice Girls, not to be confused with either Ice Strippers or Ice Hookers, as they perform the very important task of clearing off the snow from the rink and skating around in mini-skirts.
Oh, and using shovels! Hubba hubba!
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/multimedia/photo_gallery/0802/nhl.ice.girls/content.1.html

Merry Hockey to all!
And to all a good Hockeyyyyyy!
See youse guys on January 5th! Now we gotta finish (start) our Christmas shopping.
Can a 4 year old wear a Men's size small hockey sweater or should we sew the neck and arm holes shut and call it a sleeping bag?

God rest ye merry gentle Scotty.
(Dave came up with that one years ago. Still fun though.)
*That's "Rasta" skank, not "skeezy girl" skank, in case you're interested. Sheesh, give Miss Lindsey a break. Remember what a knucklehead you were back when you were 20 years old? And I bet way back then Meryl Streep never called you a great young actor, did she? We're betting you weren't even cool enough to look for Prince Far I records. Too busy with your 12 sided die and your +12 Charisma, we're guessing.

New York Islanders at Philadelphia Flyers - 7pm - Tues - 9 Dec 2008

2008-12-08T19:14:00.001-08:00

If it seems as though we've been slacking off a bit from our Hockey Night in Chinatown duties lately, we just want to reassure you that our people are hard at work behind the scenes to make a better Hockey world for you.

We dispatched agent provocateur and general Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker pain-in-the-ass Rev. Timmy James off to Raleigh, NC to aid Jet Black Richard Bacchus (Subcommandante in Charge of Southeastern Division Hockey Destruction DCHS*) in an (overly) elaborate plot to cripple the Southeast Division by the dunking of turkeys in boiling oil (a little Medieval, perhaps, but so moist, so tender, so tasty!) Some small measure of success was achieved in orchestrating the firing of Peter Laviolette, Coach of the Hurricanes, who was then replaced by Paul Maurice, who's first stint coaching them started back when they were The Hartford Whalers. So that's a start. Sorta. I guess.
http://www.myspace.com/richardbacchus
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/12/04/sports/hockey/04nhl.html?ref=sports

Otherwise, Saké Mike has been engaged in extensive talks with some "law folks" who owed him some "favors" (we don't really know what he does for those people, and we don't wanna) about getting Hockey Night in Chinatown reclassified as a bank holding company so we could get a piece of that sweet, sweet $700 billion (and more!) government bailout pie (yum!) Failing that, we're going to ride down to Washington in the HNIC't Executive Attack Helicopter (we've converted it to run on kitten blood, a renewable resource) and ask Congress for some dough as we've run HNIC't at least as ineptly as GM, Chrysler or Ford. We'll admit to being at a bit of a disadvantage as we have never even considered anything as dastardly as the 1978 Mustang II (the motor on that thing had half metric and half english fasteners. Diabolical!) In our favor is the fact that if Congress makes us change our salaries to a dollar a year it'll be a big raise for all of us.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/11/20/AR2008112001459.html

Upon Dave Guadalahorowitz's post-Thanksgiving return to the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker Graphic Design Dojo, and after a nap or two, he did manage to put together a Photoshop brush/mask macro that made Sean Avery go even more batshit (if you think that's easy, you just ain't payin' attention none.) For those of you keeping track, calling an ex-girlfriend "sloppy seconds" is officially almost one third as bad as smashing Ryan Hollweg in the face with a hockey stick on purpose (those numbers have not been adjusted for inflation.)
He also happened to whip together this week's ultra barbaric and spiffy flyer (with all apologies and propers to Frank Frazzeta.)
If the goalie stick looks familiar, it's a picture of Gump Worsley's from his days as a Hab.
http://www.cbc.ca/sports/hockey/story/2008/12/05/avery-suspension-stars.html
http://sports.espn.go.com/nhl/news/story?id=2794638

So wipe off that stuff that makes sloppy seconds so sloppy (ewwwww!), hop in that prototype electric car you've been telling everyone it's completely impossible to make and whirr on down to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown
member FDIC (fingers crossed!)
Fontanas
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - 9 December, 2008
from 7:00pm till we've drained all the kittens (not a euphemism.)
This week:
The New York Islanders at the Philadelphia Flyers

A Super Duper Special Hockey Night in Chinatown Congratulations go out to our buddies Jeff, Lisa and Lula Grand who welcomed Juniper Grand to this world on Friday, the 75th Anniversary of the Repeal of Prohibition (a very important day around the HNIC't Corporate Bunker, believe you me. We made a big piñata of Andrew Volstead and filled it with tiny liquor bottles. )
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andrew_Volstead

It's time to do your civic duty as a good hockey citizen and go vote for the NHL All Star Team (Rev. Timmy had a little trouble proving to the site he was human. Why does most every one of that guy's interactions with computers end in screaming, broken glass and, often, a small fire?)
We here at HNIC't recommend writing in Jiri Hudler from the Wings for the West, the boy has been on fire of late and the noggin on that kid is of Giant Scary Mardi Gras Parade Mask immensity.

For the East we are endorsing a write-in for Bruins' Goalie Tim Thomas, he's got some crazy sick numbers this year and was born in Flint, MI hometown of our own Saké Mike. Now we all hate the Bruins (and are all scared of Saké Mike), but if you're hesitant to vote for a B for the NHL All Star Team Eastern Goalie we've got two words for you: Gerry Cheevers.
http://fanballoting.nhl.com/vote

If that doesn't convince you, we've got three more words for you:
Bears Playing Hockey!
http://withleather.uproxx.com/?p=11863

Dave Guadalahorowitz surprised us all with that one. We all thought the only things he did on the internet were steal copywrited art for our flyers and watch porn (Huh, you think you know a guy.)
If this is the result of one of his Google Porn Searchs, we don't wanna know.

You can check out the Hockey Night in Chinatown NHL All Star Votes on the blog (What? You've never been? Shame on you.)
http://hnict.blogspot.com/

Those Bears are Playing
Hockey!!!!!!!!!!
Dude, seriously, those bears are really playing hockey.
(Man, who's the poor bastard who has to put all those ice skates on all those bears?
Seems like that job would use up a lot of Bactine.)

*Die Confederate Hockey Scum

Scotty, those bears are playing hockey.

Hockey Night in Chinatown NHL All Star Votes

2008-12-07T11:54:00.000-08:00

Below we present the votes of our illustrious and/or infamous bosses for the NHL All Star Teams.
Take them as sound, well reasoned council or as hilarious fodder for one of those perpetually forwarded "Check this out" emails (Around the HNIC't Corporate Bunker the latter is getting a lot of play.)

Rev. Timmy's Votes

Dave Guadalahorowitz's Votes

Minnesota Wild at Pittsburgh Penguins - 7pm - Tuesday - 18 November 2008

2008-11-17T21:28:00.001-08:00

In keeping with the overall international flavor of Hockey Night in Chinatown this week we are saluting Hispanic Heritage History Month which was officially back in September when we had barely chased all the raccoons out of the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker ( stupid crafty raccoons!) Perhaps surprisingly (or perhaps not, really we have no guess as to what goes on in the minds of our subscribers. Little interest, neither.) there's a healthy handful of serious hockey folk who hail from South of the Border (lazy Mexicans, taking all of our jobs!) There's Raffi Torres who now skates for the Blue Jackets and Alvaro "Al" Montoya who was drafted 6th overall in 2004 by our very own Rangers only to be traded to Phoenix for the personnel equivalent of a hand full of beans. Not even magical beans. Right here in town with the Isles is Bill Guerin whose momma is Nicaraguan, and of course the Rangers have good old Scotty Gomez.
http://www.centralhockeyleague.com/pressroom/index.html?article_id=328

By far, however, our favorite hockey personality of hispanic descent (patent pending) is Hockey Night in Chinatown's very own Peppy. His dedication and devotion to Hockey Night in Chinatown has given us one of the greatest gifts we could ever have: Coming out regularly to drink beer and listen to records and watch hockey at Fontanas on Tuesday nights. Doesn't sound like much? Well, why haven't we seen you there? (Oh right, work-kids-wives-homes-outta-town, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.)

On top of that, he's been bouncing in and out of the top spot in the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker Fantasy Hockey League since we started the thing. Michigan born (Flint, Michigan born, thank you very much) Saké Mike started strong but seems on his way down to meet his fellow rust-belter Rev. Timmy at the bottom (and his grandparents were from Peterborough.) Grosse Pointe native Mike Jay, solidly in third, is the only fella from anywhere near Hockeytown to get his fantasy on (but he's got a wife and babies to go home to. Hmmm, maybe we should rethink makin' fun of that.) Still, it's a shame to see all that Irish-German-Midwest-Cracker Paleness go to waste, don't you think.
http://hockey.fantasysports.yahoo.com/hockey/10512

Also, this last weekend Saké Mike claims that Peppy was personally responsible for Hank Lundqvist's stellar save on Patrice Bergeron's shoot-out shot by Pep wearing his Lundqvist sweater to the game and carrying on like some sort of Puerto Rican goalie cheering machine. In fact after they got back from the game Saké Mike burst into the HNIC't Corporate Bunker, chased all the single(ish) women out of the Graphic Design Dojo, stood in front of Dave Guadalahorowitz, pointed a finger in his face and yelled "Hockey Baditos!"

Dave was so taken aback he had to pause his Apple TV.
Of course then he had to manufacture the above flyer.
(Just so you know, Guadalahorowitz has barely anything to do with Dave, let alone hockey or hispanics.)

The single(ish) ladies eventually filtered back in. Unhurt, but visibly shaken.

So sneak across the border, make like some manner of unkind ethnically stereotypical legume and hop into...
Noche del hockey en Chiñatown
Fontañas
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Martes - November 18, 2008
from 7:00pm till we bust open a dodgeball kid like a piñata (that's right, the dodgeball kids are back. ¡Olé!)
This week:
The Minñesota Wild at the Pittsburgh Peñguins
(sorry, we were just excited to find the thing that made the wavy line thingy above the n)

Also, Fontanas is laying in a whole bunch of Tecate.

¡Arrrrrrrrriba Hockeyyyyyy!
Or something like that. We just kinda crammed the usual stuff into Babel Fish.
http://babelfish.yahoo.com/

Scotty, le amamos.

HNIC't - (No, really!) - Penguins at Red Wings - 7pm - Tue - 11 November 2008

2008-11-10T21:58:00.000-08:00

After a couple false starts, one boondoggle, one non-hockey related election, (Oh really? Why should we care? Who's gonna do more for hockey? The old guy from Arizona who spent five years in a Viet Cong tiger cage? The guy who grew up in Hawaii and Indonesia who's father is Kenyan? We'll save our voting for the NHL All Star Game, thank you very much) we've finally got our mojo working and are ready to kick off this season of Hockey Night in Chinatown.

Just like the Pens started (and may well end) the season without Gonchar and the Wings started without Z'berg, we're gonna be down a pivotal player at the git-go our own damn selves. After a particularly unsatisfying (ugh, don't ask) Bad Brains show last week, Saké Mike became more apoplectic and rage-filled than usual (or seemed, until last week, even humanly, or even inhumanly, possible.) It's took the entire Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker Staff and the gentle yet persistent, urging of Mrs. Saké Mike to get him into a live animal cargo cage (think Jurassic Park Velociraptor Cage) and ship him off to relax in Puerto Rico. Alas, right before we got the door all the way closed, he pulled two of our new interns in after him, so I have some very uncomfortable letters to write to some soon to be very sad parents. Dave Guadalahorowitz got some really nice pics, but we have been advised not to release them till all pending investigations and civil suits are concluded. This will probably be about the same time as the Maple Leafs win The Stanley Cup again.

Not to worry! Saké Mike'll be back and sane(ish) for next week's HNIC't (actually, worrying seems like a really good idea.)

Dave Guadalahorowitz has been crazy busy cranking out advertising stuff for, what he says is, the latest, newest and most advanced breakthough in breakfast food since the waffle. Though more than that he will not say. Also he seems very bummed out due to the recent passing of a dear, dear friend of his who had held on, productively too, for much longer than anyone expected.
http://gizmodo.com/5082385/this-is-my-farewell-transmission-from-mars

Rev. Timmy was at the same Crappy Bad Brains show as Saké Mike, but he just retreated to the catwalks above the workshop and only comes down to take 2 hour long showers, collect his mail (pornography and hockey mags mostly, sometimes both in one) and restock on bourbon and elk jerkey (teriyaki style), all the while moping around like some kid who got touched by his uncle in an ABC After School Special. We sent one of our (remaining) interns up to see what the Reverend has going on way up there and he returned excitedly babbling on and on about some badly mutilated life-size wax figure of Gary Bettmann and how much cheddar cheese there was "Just lyin' all around the place. Just lyin' around."
http://www.firebettman.com/

So wait, that makes a total of three shitty letters for me to write, right? Probably more legal stuff from that too.
Criminy.

So use those eerily human-like hands of yours to open your cage, turn your solar panels toward the sun (Dave! Dude! It's named "Phoenix!") and point your tracks over the horizon to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown
Fontanas
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - November 11, 2008
from 7:00pm till we all truly remember the end of the first War to End All Wars (No mail or banks open, neither.)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Armistice_Day
This week:
The Pittsburgh Penguins at the Detroit Red Wings

Also, this week in Hockey Night in Chinatown Approved Social Activities:
Patrick "Salt" Ryan is very proud to present:
Acoustalyptico

Slip of a Girl
http://www.slipofagirl.com/
Patrick Salt Ryan
http://www.myspace.com/patricksaltryan
The Reverend Timmy James
http://www.myspace.com/revtimmy
Tulipss
http://www.myspace.com/tulipss

9pm (sharp, dammit! none of your dawdling!)
Thursday 13 November 2008
Bar On A
170 Ave A at 11th St.
FREE!

We were gonna send this to Dave Guadalahorowitz to cheer him up until we realized that he sent it to us. Maybe he has forgotten. Rev. Timmy would have (over the summer Saké Mike tricked The Rev. into getting something like sixteen tetanus booster shots. That just can't be good.)
http://www.thelocal.se/15138.html

Goodbye Reg Dunlop
You will be missed!
Saké Mike says that Old Reg has just gone off to coach the Minnesota Night Hawks in the Iron League.

Scotty, we love you.
Happy Birthday Mike Jay!

Paul Newman, we love you.
Hey, we know that was a while ago, but we were saving it for our first HNIC't.
Oh yeah? Well where's your email/blog tribute to Paul Newman?
And how badly did you infringe on Universal Pictures' and the Berkley Publishing Corporations' intellectual property rights to pull it off?
While we're on the subject, where's your crappy hockey party that nobody ever comes to but is still pretty goddamn fun for everybody who does show up?
You've got a lot of nerve there, fella.
Lotta nerve.

Halloween Night in Chinatown

2008-10-28T15:21:00.001-07:00

Well with the current financial tomfoolery down on Wall Street making most everyone poor enough to vote Democrat and none of you upstanding citizens coming down to see us at Hockey Night in Chinatown we've had to do a little extra fund raising on our own.
Dave, Rev. Timmy and Saké Mike have gone off to aid some friends of theirs in a little side project.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/7650415.stm

They won't be back until 11 November when we'll set things off proper with the Pittsburgh Penguins at the Detroit Red Wings.
Word is Saké Mike's enjoying it so much he may stay an extra week.

Also, we're having a bake sale. If you'd like to contribute baked goods, just slide them in a manila envelope and mail them to:

Fontanas
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)

Meanwhile why don't you, I don't know, watch hockey?
http://www.versus.com/nhl/

swly

CMJIC't - 8pm - Tues - Oct. 21, 2008

2008-10-21T12:06:00.000-07:00

CMJ is in town and the folks at Fontanas decided they'd rather make some money and keep the bar open than watch us all grab-ass around while the Bruins and the Sabres skate around on the TV.
So shave off that soul patch or somebody might mistake you for a music journalist (more on the hazards of being mistaken for a music journalist below.)
http://www.fontanasnyc.com/shows.html

Not to worry, though, Dave Guadalahorowitz and Rev. Timmy will be flying the Hockey Night in Chinatown flag high. But they'll be up in the DJ booth in the back, not conveniently perched in front of the TV at the bar (with Fontanas opening it's doors to the public, they thought it best to have the boys, you know, concealed.)

Come on by though, there is a good chance you'll get to see Dave and Rev. Timmy force feeding some poor sophomore from Northwestern the entire CD catalogue of Teenage Fanclub or Pavement while cranking Astroqueen at bone-rubberizing volume.

At least until the F'tanaz folk tell 'em to cut it out.

In fact, misdemeanor assault is so likely that they're not even taking bets at the OTB (they're also not giving action on Rev. Timmy falling down the stairs or spilling beer on someone.)

So slip on that Arcade Fire T-shirt, make sure you've got your favorite badge holder thingy to wear around your neck and slack your way down to...
Fontanas
http://www.fontanasnyc.com/
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - October 21, 2008
from 8pm-1am

Saké Mike dug up some stuff to help keep those music scribblers at bay.
That's his home town buddy Scott Carlson on the bass there (we think.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cpQJMnVrBIs

Careful, this website will laugh at you. Or scream at you.
http://www.deathbreath.se/

CMJ
It's just like Hockey!
It is if you do it right, anyway.

Oh! Right! Hockey! Here's Sid the Kid's 100th goal, 200th assist and 300th point.
The bank is open!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQDuWpWYEbQ

swly

* Flyer? We don't need no stinking flyer!

Obama-Rama, Homina, Homina! - Tues - 7pm-11pm Oct, 14, 2008 (HNIC't delayed is HNIC't denied)

2008-10-13T11:33:00.001-07:00

With the New York Stock Exchange plummeting faster than the Maple Leaf's playoff chances (we've got a pool around here as to what day in November the Leafs will be out of the running) things around the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker have been a tad more frantic and disorganized than usual (no mean feat.)

Rev. Timmy's investment strategy went from a strong position in Hockey related companies (Amalgamated Tooth, LLC , Canadian Blood Replacement Products, Zamboni Corp.) to a portfolio of almost entirely handgun ammunition, tear gas, dehydrated baked beans and little green army men (not in stocks, mind you, but the actual items. Charlene can barely make it to the fax machine due to several boxes of SuperBean! Spicy Style and a big bag of German Light Infantry cluttering up the reception area.) There is some talk around the water cooler that the Reverend's actions are not in response to the Stock Market, but a typically childish reaction to him being well in last place in the HNIC't Corporate Bunker Fantasy Hockey League.
http://hockey.fantasysports.yahoo.com/hockey/10512

Dave Guadalahorowitz's response to these trying economic times is somewhat more moderate. He spent all week tinkering with a 1973 XB GT Ford Falcon Coupe and glueing feathers to football shoulder pads.
Nothing says, "I'm ready for the end of times" like a car with right hand drive and a blower.
http://www.madmaxmovies.com/cars/mad-max-interceptor/index.html

Saké Mike has taken his wife and barricaded himself in a deluxe executive suite in a Comfort Inn in Hackensack, NJ and explained that "If the wheels come off our entire economic system, the last place anyone will notice will be "The Sack."

So we're all a bit too preoccupied around here to get HNIC't together.

Not to fear! The fine folks down at Fontanas and Heeb Magazine have gotten together an Obama Fundraiser for a measly $50 you can enjoy Stand Up Comedy, DJ's, Live Music and...
(wait for it...)
Open Bar!
(Shhhhhhh. Last time someone said "Open Bar" around here, Rev. Timmy ran right through a sliding glass door, smashed several items of (borrowed) patio furniture and ruined about a dozen and a half deviled eggs.)
http://www.heebmagazine.com/events/view/57

So pour some boiling water in your factory sealed bag of beans, mix in the flavour powder™ and come on down to...
Obama-rama!
Fontanas
http://www.fontanasnyc.com/events.html
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - October 14, 2008
from 7pm-11pm

Till then, why not ponder the fact that John McCain has the same first name as a guy who used to dress up like a clown and then rape and murder little boys.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Wayne_Gacy

Just sayin'.

The Devil is inside the eggs!
And the eggs are inside me!!!!!
Rev. Timmy spied the words "Open Bar" on my screen from across the room and now there's Spicy Style flavour powder ™ all over the place.
And there go the sprinklers.
Great.

swly

Last chance for HNIC't Fantasy Hockey

2008-09-30T18:44:00.000-07:00

Hey folks! When we got into the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker it turned out we had left two of our Cray XT5 Supercomputers playing Dig Dug against each other all summer.
As a happy side effect we accidentally figured out a solution to this whole The-housing-boom-will-never-stop-so-lets-give mortgages-to-who-the-hell-ever-cause-what-could-go-wrong-wait-whoops-where-the-hell-did-my-bank-go Big Giant Government Bailout thingy.

Just give $2 million dollars to every man, woman and child in the United States.
That would only cost about $600 million or so compared to the $700 BILLION they're trying to get Congress to pony up.
(Wait, where does Congress get their money? )

That would give us $699 or so BILLION we could spend on bombing people that hurt our feelings (or we think may possibly hurt our feeling in the future.)

Speaking of folks that may (nay, invariably shall) very likely hurt our feelings (along with our bones and/or organs), Rev. Timmy still has some room in his Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker Fantasy Hockey League. It's totally free and nobody really knows what's going on (least of all, Commissioner Rev. Timmy) and it would do us a real solid if you cats could sorta, you know, soak up some of his extra time.
(Heck, even Dave's doing it.)

The draft is automatic, but it'll go off at 5pm on Wednesday, October 1st (or whenever he gets up.)

Three more days then (!!!!!!!!!):
Rangers v. Lightning in Prague
12pm ET on MSG

Penguins v. Senators in Stockholm
2:30pm ET on NHL Network (used to be free on Direct TV, but who knows?)
Ohhhhhh, baby! We can taste it!

Reg Dunlop, we love you!

Fantasy Hockey League - Fun! Profit! Violence!

2008-09-05T18:36:00.000-07:00

In an ongoing effort to keep Rev. Timmy's tiny, evil, raccoon-like paws busy (so eerily human!), we've decided to make him Commissioner for Life of the
Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker Fantasy Hockey League (he can't possibly be noticeably worse than Bettman.) And seeing as he's alienated
most everyone here in the Bunker both generally and personally, we are appealing to our loyal subscribers to flesh out the ranks.

So c'mon folks, if'n you can't make it all the way down to Fontanas in Chinatown in any regular fashion, why not stay involved by running your own Hockey Team
(if you're afraid of doing it badly, you can name your team after a place in the South DCHS.)

The Winner gets their likeness on a flyer and a mention in the email!
Whoever comes in last gets their likeness on 2 (!!!) flyers and mentioned in 3 emails!

So Join Up!
Just send a note to Rev. Timmy and he'll send you an invite.

Sign up now
or the Terrorists Win!
Or the Southeast Division, whoever you're more scared of.

swly
DCHS

HNIC't - Pre-Labor Day Über Rokkfest - Saturday - 10:30 or 11pm or so - 30 August 2008

2008-09-05T13:15:00.001-07:00

No it's not hockey season yet (35 days and counting!)

And no, exhibition season doesn't count at all
(do you count the stuff on Cinemax as porn? You do?!
Well then you're hooked up to the wrong internet, fella.)

Heck, we're not even in the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker yet.
(We rent the joint out as a Fat Camp in the summer and it's full of pudgy children right now. Ugh.)

Anyway, Dave Guadalahorowitz and Rev. Timmy will be deejaying (to be generous) on Saturday at:

Fontanas
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Saturday - August 30, 2008
from 10:30 or 11pm 'til the wee foursies.

Saké Mike even threatened to show up.
And we've learned to take his threats seriously.
Deadly seriously.
(Not a pun.)

Happy Labor Day!
Hey, we're not even on duty, you're lucky you got the giant colored text above let alone a half assed flyer.

swly

Detroit Red Wings Win the Stanley Cup!

2008-06-05T12:13:00.001-07:00

Goodness Gracious! Our Hockey Night in Chinatown Pretzel Handle Beer Cup flow'eth over.
Greatest Congratulations to the Stanley Cup Winning Detroit Red Wings! (Saké Mike was seen late into the wee hours boogying down in his new Nik Lidstrom Sweater.)
Sincerest Condolences to the Pittsburgh Penguins (Rev. Timmy is taking clear fluids* and resting comfortably.)

Dave even whipped up the most Detroit-y-est flyer possible. Sure we coulda put Gordie, or Yzerman or even the guys who won the Cup themselves, but this is Hockey Night in Chinatown, baby!
If we don't zig when we should zag, what, really, is the freakin' point?
(Wait, there's a point?)

Now we have to set about the arduous task of moth-balling the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker for the summertime.
We've gotta thaw and drain all the rinks, drink all the beer (no problem), hide all the porn, put the cover on the Atomic Voodoo Hockey Death Ray, find homes for all our poisonous sea anemones, set off a few bug bombs and oil up the 11 foot blast doors real good so we can get back in this fall.

Thanks for coming out, when you could, and for not canceling your email subscription.
All the best to you and yours this summer. Drink lots of water. Keep that sunscreen on. Wear a big floppy hat. Try not to pass out in the sun.
We're hoping to be back in October with more Rangers, Penguins, Red Wings, Habs and Hockeeyyyyyyy!

Yay Red Wings!
Yay Hockey!!!
Only 121 days until Hockey Season starts!
(We put a counter on the website so you can keep track.)

Stanley Cup, we love you. We especially love you when you go somewhere we love. Like where Scotty is.

*Vodka, Tequila

No Hockey Night in Chinatown, but peace on Earth, Good will toward men. Joy and light throughout the Universe.

2008-05-19T20:16:00.000-07:00

Well after all the horrible earthquakes, (no doubt some knucklehead southern preacher thinks God did that to them just 'cause they're Chinese, or gay.) past travesties of Cup Champions ( Carolina? Anahiem? Tampa Bay? Criminy!) and crappy movies starring Jet Li and Jackie Chan, it turns out there is a God and he loves HOCKEY!

But, alas, not Hockey Night in Chinatown (really, can you blame the dude? I mean, we ride that cat's ass hard. Not without good reason I might add. Platypuses, anyone?)

'Cause there ain't no hockey on Tuesday night.

And it follows directly that there's no Hockey Night in Chinatown (see how that goes? No? Next time we'll show our work.)

So lay in a whole mess of beer, lock your wife and children out of the house, recline your Lay-z-boy a click or two and get ready for...

Saturday 7:30pm The Pittsburgh Penguins at the Detroit Red Wings
Game 1 of the Stanley Cup Final.

It really doesn't look good for another Hockey Night in Chinatown, but maybe we can shuffle things around a bit (stranger things have happened. Much stranger, more horrifying and considerably stickier things happen here in the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker all the time.)
Keep watching the skies!!! (again, what is it with that?)

At least we've got us a proper Cup Final Series, with proper teams from places that have snow and ice.
Oh, and hockey!

Let's Go Wings!!!
Let's Go Pens!!!
This year, Evil*, will not prevail.

Scotty, we love you.

*Make no mistake, we do love Evil, just not that weak-ass, confederate, expansion team, Stanley Cup going anywhere we don't have T-shirts from kind of Evil.
Or really anywhere Scotty Bowman didn't coach.

Evil, we love you.

Pittsburgh Penguins at Philadelphia Flyers - 7:30pm Tues May 13, '08

2008-05-13T14:41:00.000-07:00

[ Due to certain unforeseen circumstances (Rev. Timmy got all riled up on Labatt Blue, mostly because Miss Keeeeely's not gonna be bar tending at Hockey Night in Chinatown 'cause she got some sort of grown-up job, and locked himself in the boiler room with a boom box blaring My Bloody Valentine's "Loveless" over and over and eventually emerged and held one of our interns hostage with a 16-penny Senco Pneumatic Nailgun ) we have been forced to send out the template for our Hockey Night in Chinatown dispatches. So here it is. Now you can make your own. (Geez, we never thought we'd miss Saké Mike, but apparently he's the only one Timmy's afraid of. Dave just kinda eggs him on and takes pictures for his blog.)]

1) This is where you write stuff about what's going on in the NHL, sorta.

2) Then you write some funny stuff about:

a) Dave fooling with his iPhone.
b) Saké Mike hurting somebody. Or baking.
c) Rev. Timmy engaging in some uncouth activity under diminished capacity of some sort.

So get your [Something from paragraph 1] and [Something from paragraph 2] on down to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown
Fontanas
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - May 13, 2008
from 7:30pm till [Some dopey thing related to paragraph 1 or 2 ]
This week:
The Pittsburgh Penguins at the Philadelphia Flyers
Game 3 of the Eastern Conference Finals, Pens lead 2-0

More dopey drivel about hockey, or occasionally a show announcement.
Thusly:

Our good buddy Patrick Ryan is playing Bar On A Wednesday night. 9pm.
http://www.myspace.com/patricksaltryan

And often a Youtube clip of something hockey related, but just as often not.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yw4_0tc1LWo

[ Also throughout the email you should make words appear in bold.]

Then you finish it all of with:
Big Words
Go Here!
Smaller, snarkier words go here.

Scotty, we love you always goes here.

pUNK, we love you goes here just this once. But we always love pUNK. Get well soon!

[ See? It's easy! ]

No Hockey 'till Thursday, Phew.

2008-05-05T16:13:00.001-07:00

Alas, the Rangers are out in 5, after playing a giant hearted 3rd period and OT on Sunday afternoon against the Penguins. We had to wrap a cold, wet towel around Rev. Timmy's head during that one and even so, he ended up swallowing an ashtray and rolling around on the floor like he was maced (wait, did we mace him or not? It's so hard to keep track of who's getting maced around here.) Heck, Dave even complained of palpitations and couldn't finish his chicken parm sandwich (when he couldn't finish his sandwich, we called the doctor immediately.)

We thought we would never get the boys to bed when the Stars and the Sharks decided to go for 4 Overtime periods. That's a whole 'nother hockey game and a bit.
Just as the boys were getting cranky ("I'm not tired!) Brett Morrow's PP goal finished off the Sharks and Dallas was on to the next round.

Which doesn't start until Thursday.

So get some rest, visit with your family and maybe take a shower (Dude, take a shower.)

We'll be back next Tuesday with the Pens vs. the Flyers (Boooooooooooo!Hissssssss!)

Scotty, we love you.

No Hockey Night in Chinatown due to technical difficulties.

2008-04-28T20:29:00.000-07:00

After Monday's loss by the Canadiens to the Flyers (Flyers up in series 2-1), Rev. Timmy filled a garbage can with human waste (where does he get all that stuff? does he save his own?) and Semtex (where in the HELL does he get THAT stuff!!??) and set the whole thing off in the middle of the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker Master Control Room. He then piloted one of our hot-rodded Zamboni Ice Resurfacing Machines down the hallway from the Hockey Night in Chinatown Ice Rink Complex and Bulk Beer Storage Facility (a rather remarkable feat of fine hand-eye coordination for a gentleman in such an agitated state, believe you me) and crashed it into the Hockey Night in Chinatown Reception Desk (luckily Charlene was getting a Snapple Iced Tea at the time), the then exploded the propane tanks, filling most of the rest of the office area in dirty snow and hot, jagged Zamboni pieces (oh, and more curiously, little green plastic army men.)

With Saké Mike out of town and Dave too busy with real work to help, we all headed for the exits and sealed the 11 foot blast doors behind us.

As we all ran to our cars we heard, at excruciating volume, the following booming out from the air vents.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Bju6m5LHdCw

Tomorrow it's Pens at Rangers at 7pm and Wings at the Avs at 10:30.

We're all gonna go over to Charlene's and watch it there.
She's gonna make Chex Mix and celery with peanut butter inside.
Yum!

See ya next week.
We hope.

Scotty, we love you.

Philadelphia Flyers at Washington Capitals - Game 7 - Tues -22 April '08

2008-04-21T23:46:00.000-07:00

Whew.
A couple of our teams did just peachy in the first round of the Playoffs ( Pens swept Sens, Rangers spanked The Devils.) But, we kinda ran into a bit of a snag there when Rev. Timmy tried to use the Atomic Voodoo Hockey Deathray to make S'mores and got it all gooey.
http://www.hersheys.com/smores/
That made it much harder for the Wings to top the Predators ( 4 - 2 ) and the Habs had a dickens of a time with their frequent playoff nemesis, the Boston Bruins. But our interns down at the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker all pulled together, fired up the pressure-washer and got the good old Deathray spic and span in time to aid the Canadiens in Keeeeeerushing the Bruins, 5 goals to 0 (that's zero, none, nil, zilch, nada, nufin', rien!) The other prong of our, uh, two pronged, talismanic, imaginary, superstitious support for Montréal was contributed by Dave, who whipped up the luckiest .jpg (also, least offensive) we've ever had the good fortune to have taped up all over the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker Master Control Room (Note to self: remind Charlene to order more copier paper.)

After the Habs won Rev. Timmy (rather predictably, if you ask me) danced around the Bunker wearing all 14 of his Montréal Shirts at once screaming in French (pointless language class stuff like "Where is the library?" and "My father is an accountant from Algeirs.")
While he was busy doing that, we recalled we hadn't seen our good buddy and bar mistress Miss Keeeely in a couple weeks, so we aimed the Atomic Voodoo Hockey Deathray at the Flyers vs. Capitals game to make the Caps come back and force a Game 7 on Tuesday night.

So grab your graham crackers, marshmallows and chocolate bars and hike on down to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown
Fontanas
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - 22 April '08
from 7:00pm till everyone is brown on the outside and a little gooey (ok, gooier.)
The Philadelphia Flyers at the Washington Capitals, Game 7

As a special consumer protection service we here at Hockey Night in Chinatown must warn you against knocking yourself out to see The Forbidden Kingdom.
Though it was not without it's charms (Monkey King, White Haired Witch, crazy archery stuff, reasonable fighting) it was a little heavy on the "dorky loser kid triumphs over evil by watching lots of kung fu movies and believing in himself" stuff.
Rev. Timmy loved it and spent all of Sunday night looking for a secret passage to another realm in the back of one of the equipment lockers.

The First Round's almost over.
Get ready for round Two!
Where the girlish shrieking is doubled!

Scotty, we love you.

WEDNESDAY! - Devils at Rangers - Red Wings at Predators - Wed. 16 April '08

2008-04-14T22:08:00.000-07:00

We here at Hockey Night in Chinatown all thought that Jet Li said he was not going to do any more medieval era kung fu flicks. And to his credit he managed to stop for a couple movies there. But really that's like saying that Rev. Timmy had quit drinking just because he had passed out (in his own filth) on the Master Control Panel in the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker Control Room.
Still we are totally going to see his new flick. Jet Li! Jackie Chan! A Bounty Hunter Witch with White Hair!??? Goddamn Muther-bug-fuckin'-A right!
http://www.forbiddenkingdommovie.com/

This week we're back, but due to various reasons too complicated and embarrassing to go into here (imagine that!) we're going to have Hockey Night in Chinatown on Wednesday. We can't watch the Canadiens play at Fontanas tomorrow, and Rev. Timmy really wants to wear his Sean Avery shirt for a Rangers Game. Especially when Sean's just had a special rule made just for him.
http://www.cbc.ca/sports/hockey/story/2008/04/14/avery-nhl-rule.html?ref=rss

Since none of you cats ever come out anyway (all you stupid jerks, living in your stupid jerk out of the city houses, getting up and going to your stupid jerk jobs to make stupid jerk futures for your stupid jerk families, Oh, speaking of which, special HNIC't congratulations to Grant and Andrea and little Johnny for the newest, littlest Ward: June Grace!!!!) we don't anticipate this being much of a hassle (well, we're not going to get to see the delightful Miss Keeeeely this week, sigh.)

Also it seems like the Rangers and the Red Wings might just need us to cheer, and drink, extra hard.

So Jet (Li) on down and come see all the stupid hockey jerks at...
Hockey Night in Chinatown
Fontanas
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
WEDNESDAY - 16 April '08
from 7:00pm till everyone is passed out (in their own or each others filth) on the Master Control Panel
The New Jersey Devils at the New York Rangers
then (!!!)
The Detroit Red Wings at the Nashville Predators

Also kicking it around town this week will be instigator extrodinaire Richard Bacchus (and his lovely wife Shelby) who're in town for a bit of a mini D Generation Re-Generation at the new John Varvatos Store where CBGB's used to be.
http://www.vh1.com/partners/save_the_music/what_is_going_on/major_events.html

Apparently they are going to Save the Music. Well, uh, great! Good luck.

Here's a flick from Halo 3 that Dave thought was funny. And seeing as he did such a nifty job on this week's flyer, he's right!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KicJSFEgB_U

Suck it, Ottawa!
Your ass is gettin' swept.
Call now to get a Thursday morning tee-off time.

Scotty, we love you.

No Hockey 'till Wed means no Hockey Night in Chinatown

2008-04-08T22:04:00.000-07:00

Here's the only footage Dave took on our trip to Montréal to celebrate Tom Vaught's Birthday (and Timmy is convinced, to personally help the Canadiens finish in 1st place in the Eastern Conference) that it is safe to show on the internet.

That's Tom in the sunglasses.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YevYBsShxNs

See ya next week.

Go Rangers!
Go Pens!
Go Habs!
Go Wings!
Go (Your team here, so long as they made the playoffs)!
Go Hockeyyyyyyyyyy!

swly

New Jersey Devils at New York Islanders - 7pm - 1 April '08

2008-03-31T20:52:00.001-07:00

We're all a little tuckered out around the ol' Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker today. We were all up late Sunday night to ring in Gordie "Mr. Hockey" Howe's 80th Birthday. We then went straight from those festivities to hustle Saké Mike and the lovely and talented Mrs. Saké Mike (name withheld at family's request. Give the girl a break, for Pete's sake, she married Mike) onto a Hockey Night in Chinatown Executive Attack Helicopter and off to, what he was led to believe, a visit to the Puerto Rico Hockey Hall of Fame for his Birthday (April 1st, no fooling!) In actuality she was taking him off to a yoga retreat to eat mangoes, detoxify, relax by the pool, do some snorkeling and generally recharge his batteries for the playoffs. No doubt he will come back with a clarity of mind and a nimbleness of foot that will make his return to us a truly harrowing experience. Saké Mike's revitalized cruelty of spirit will, no doubt, have us continually looking over our shoulders and picking sunburned skin flakes out of our coffee for well into the second round of the playoffs (he's got a big Tupperware Bowl he saves skin flakes in. And not just his own!)

So quit your (April) fooling around and flake out down at...
Hockey Night in Chinatown
Fontanas
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - April 1 '08
from 7:00pm till King Charles IX decrees we quit grab-assing around and go the hell home.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/April_fool%27s#Origin
This week:
The New Jersey Devils at the New York Islanders

This coming weekend a merry band of gentlemen (men of cruelty, brigands, pirates, four-flushers and hooligans to the man) are off to deepest, darkest Montréal to celebrate our good buddy Tom Vaught's 40th Birthday (jeez there's birthdays all over the place. We should put a towel under the door or something.) And no doubt get some much needed first hand experience in the Quebec Provincial Correctional System. We're going to see the Leafs at the Canadiens for their last game of the regular season and Dave's bringing one of those remote control dog training collars in case Rev. Timmy goes berserk (bezerkier? more beserk?) starts screaming, "English Pigs!" and tries to bite some poor Leafs Fan (It makes no sense, his grandparents were from Peterbourough. Sigh.)
http://www.mightypets.com/product.asp?3=379

This'll be our last HNIC't of the regular season. Tuesday nights always get treated like a ten dollar hooker during the play-offs so stay tuned for updates and keep watching the skies!
Wait, what???...

Happy Birthday Gordie!
Happy Birthday Saké Mike!
Happy Birthday Tom Vaught!
(Why do we even bother doing this? He's never gonna see it.)
Happy Birthday Gary Bettman!
That last one's an April Fool's Joke and not because his birthday is June 2nd.
It's a joke because we hate him with a hatred so pure and hot you can't see the flame (careful there.)
http://www.firebettman.com/

Scotty, we love you.
(His birthday is September 18th.)

HNICt - Back at Fontanas - Pens at Devils - Flyers at Rangers - 7pm - 25 March '08

2008-03-24T19:14:00.000-07:00

Apparently the good folks at Fontanas got their ice all cleaned up a day early.
They didn't get a Zamboni though.
Still, this is probably better than we deserve.
http://www.nicerink.com/resurfacers/

So, back to where we once belonged...
Hockey Night in Chinatown
Fontanas
(probably also a Dutch farm long, long ago.)
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - March 18 '08
from 7:00pm till the ice gets all mushy and weird like in Anaheim.
This week:
The Pittsburgh Penguins at the New Jersey Devils
The Philadelphia Flyers at the New York Rangers

Stick and move, baby.
Stick and move.
SWLY

Sorta No HNIC't - Pens at Devils - Flyers at Rangers - 25 March '08

2008-03-24T18:35:00.001-07:00

So they kicked us outta Fontanas this week so they could scrape all the cruddy, messed up ice off and lay down a thin layer of hot water that will quickly freeze, leaving a pristine playing surface to start the playoff portion of the season. If only there were a machine to do this quickly and easily during intermission leaving time for the Pee-wees to play for 9 minutes first. Even if some guy in California invented it back in the '40's.
http://www.zamboni.com/

More useful to us here at Hockey Night in Chinatown would be some sort of device to do the same thing to Rev. Timmy's Brain.

With the Habs and Pens both bouncing around first place in the Eastern Conference and the Rangers in the catbird seat to stomp whatever punk-ass team the Southeast Division coughs up, our Not-quite-right Rev. Timmy James has been extra excited (and therefore, extra, extra, troublesome) for the last week or so.

Anyway, if we can find a straight jacket that fits him and doesn't make him think his butt looks big we're gonna try and take him out to...
Arrow
(formerly The Rook, Big Lugz, 85A. Beneath what was formerly Kim's Video. Way before that it was a Dutch farm.)
85 Ave A - Downstairs
(btw 5th & 6th St.)
7pm till the guys with big butterfly nets come to get us.
The Pittsburgh Penguins at the New Jersey Devils
The Philadelphia Flyers at the New York Rangers

Call one of the boys first as Rev. Timmy can be very picky about what restraints he wears in public.
We had this great ball gag for him once, but he said it didn't match his eyes.

When the Gods want to punish you
they grant all your wishes.

Back at Fontanas next week.

Scotty, we love you.

Pittsburgh Penguins at New York Rangers - 7pm Tue 18 Mar '08

2008-03-17T20:28:00.000-07:00

Sure.
Right.
Happy St. Patrick's Day, right back atcha.
It's not that we've got anything against the Irish. Hell, one of our many (many, many) theme songs, Thin Lizzy's "Chinatown", was written and performed by an Irishman. Indeed he's the baddest Paddy ever to don platform shoes and bell bottoms (okay, second baddest to Van Morrison.)
http://www.philip-lynott.com/

It's just that here around The Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker the sight of pale men fighting, folks being "projectile-vomit drunk" by noon and long periods of uninterrupted nonsensical screaming are, well, business as usual (actually a little on the slow side, truth be told.) Besides we're just getting back to normal as last week our Grand Wizard of the Beautification of Flat Surfaces, Dave Guadalahorowitz, put the entire Hockey Night in Chinatown Graphics Department and Internet Pornography Bookmarking Unit (Iron Cursor Dojo, Clan of the Leaping Paint Bucket) under administrative lockdown. Heck, a bunch of the fellas didn't even get a chance to call their wives. Sure, Dave has women working in the Unit, but he insists they be single or at least willing to behave, with enthusiasm and creativity, in a manner consistent with singleness, (Equal Opportunity Employment Laws? Dude, we've got 11 foot blast doors.) After a good 4 days solid with only Chicken Parm Sandwiches and industrial drums of Mr. Bubble* going into the Unit and various sounds of, shall we say, vigorous human activity coming out, Dave emerged looking fresh faced and well rested and handed over the masterpiece you see above. Unsurprisingly it smelled of chicken, parmesan cheese, Mr. Bubble* and single (ish) ladies.

No doubt in any other office environment, the Unit's Ladies would prove a distraction. Around here one can't afford to let one's guard down for one second. For instance, this last week, with Dave under lockdown and Saké Mike off in the evilest place in the world (Washington, D.C.) doing his best to promote EVIL in all it's forms (helping lawyers), Rev. Timmy was left unsupervised and managed to install a Severe Tire Damage Spike System on the floor of the Men's locker room shower. His installation, aside from it's obvious uselessness and excruciating painfulness, is really quite expertly done. Alas, we're going to have to take it out as it's proving very difficult to keep clean.

So hop into a bubble bath, wash that green beer vomit off of you (you lousy drunken Mick) and come act like a single gal at...
Hockey Night in Chinatown
Fontanas
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - March 18 '08
from 7:00pm till all the snakes are driven from Fontanas (you know who you are.)
This week:
The Pittsburgh Penguins at the New York Rangers

Word has gotten to us that some of you die hard Ranger fans think we give too much play to the Pens, the Habs and/or the Wings. In our defense let us say that Wings Fan Saké Mike's appetite for mayhem exceeds an Irish bar at full tilt on a St. Patricks Day night (really, we tried it out a couple years ago.) and Rev. Timmy (Pens, Habs) is so unbalanced and unpredictable (think of finding a six foot tall badger with glasses and opposable thumbs in your medicine chest) that around here we're really just trying to not give him a reason. Period (remember the tire spike thing? He did that because he was BORED. And this other time he took all the bleach out of the janitorial closet and a whole bunch of Tabasco sauce and he had these Super Soaker† automatic squirt guns ...shhhhh! here he comes.) We do have on file signed affidavits to the effect that their affection for the Rangers is of the highest order and conflicts only arise when, in weeks such as this, one of their "homeboys" plays the Boys in Blue.
Why don't we find some common ground and agree that the Bruins blow, the Southeast Division (DCHS) is an embarrassment to all we hold dear and there is a special place in hell for each and every Philadelphia Flyer?
Oh, and that we all want Jagz to play like this again:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oDX0pxdidB4

Go Rangers!
Go Pens!
Erin-Go-Hockey!

Scotty, we love you.

*Mr. Bubble is the registered trademark of Ascendia Brands, Inc. It's mention implies neither endorsement nor cautionary example by either Dave Guadalahorowitz or Hockey Night in Chinatown it's subsidiaries, badgers, or single ladies.
http://www.ascendiabrands.com/Products/AscendiaPCat_4_1.asp?va=

† Super Soaker is the registered trademark of Habro who would like to remind you to buy as many Hasbro products as possible even if you and your family have to go hungry and you have to send your children to school wearing burlap sacks and Kleenex‡ tissue boxes on their feet.
http://www.hasbro.com/supersoaker/

‡ Kleenex is the registered trademark of Kimberly-Clark Worldwide, Inc.
http://www.kleenex.com/

New Jersey Devils at Montréal Canadiens - 7pm Tues 11 March '08

2008-03-11T13:22:00.000-07:00

Well we finally bit the bullet. The time had come. Enough was enough. We'd hired extra security. We charged up the tasers. We hired two ambulances and had double supplies in the infirmary. The local Royal Canadian Mounted Police Post gave us two of those guns that shoot rubber bullets. We'd written down all the ways our bosses had hurt us here in the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker. We even borrowed a large animal tranquilizer gun from the zoo. We were all set to hold an intervention when Dave, Rev. Timmy and Saké Mike returned from their weekly visit to the Whole Foods Store where they hang around, eat all the free samples and try to pick fights with the customers ( They say it's just to keep them sharp. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get into a fist fight in Whole Foods?)

Well, they walked in the door and Dr. McCarty (who we flew in at great expense from the finest rehab facility in Kamloops, British Columbia) said "Gentlemen, this is an intervention!"
Dave said "I'll go after these two," and started rapidly texting on his iPhone. Rev. Timmy grabbed a goalie stick and started knocking off sprinkler heads. And Saké Mike just smiled and said, "You are all lucky I'm not still doing that stuff that lets me walk through walls and see through time."

After that it gets a little fuzzy.

When it was all over the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker Main Control Room was filled with smelly water. Three of our security guys tendered their resignations. Both ambulances had cracked windshields. Dr. McCarty had locked himself in the ladies room and wouldn't come out until we got his wife on the phone. Saké Mike was ordering take out sushi. Dave was halfway through a Terminator: The Sarah Conner Chronicles marathon. And Rev. Timmy, the tranquilizer gun and the office large print version of S.E. Hinton's The Outsiders were nowhere to be found.

Oh, and the copier was jammed.

Needless to say we learned our lesson and from now on we shall let sleeping dogs lie ( lay? No, it's lie, right?)

So admit you have a problem and come down to your weekly meeting at...
Hockey Night in Chinatown
Fontanas
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - March 11 '08
from 7:30pm till we remember to check that the paper tray is inserted properly.
This week:
The New Jersey Devils at the Montréal Canadiens.

In Hockey related stuff, here's Donald Brashear knocking out Shane Hnidy with one punch.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kJlD00gVJ6Q

Hello, my name is (your name here)
and I'm a Hockey-holic!

Help yourself to coffee and cookies.

Scotty, we love you.

No Hockey Night in Chinatown - (New York Islanders at New York Rangers) - Tues 4 Mar '08

2008-03-03T22:32:00.000-08:00

Fortuna has spun her wheel (Oh Gracie, my valve!) and all our boys seem to be doing just dandy. The Rangers are hitting on all cylinders, especially that Dubinsky kid, and have gone 7-1-2 in their last 10 games. The Habs and the Pens tied for 1st in the Eastern Conference and the Red Wings seem to have broken whatever funky atomic voodoo gypsy curse they had going throughout February (turns out even the Wings can't rule the world without their serious defencemen.)
Frankly, we're terrified.
If life (that is: hockey) has taught us one thing it's, well, go stand in the slot and shoot the goddamn puck!
But if it's taught us two things it's that any joy in this world is usually a set up for a really big fall (right Patriots? 18 and 1, baby!)
Rev. Timmy is constantly toiling at the Scotty Bowman Altar of Hockey, lighting candles and making sure the pentagram in front of it always has fresh goat blood. Saké Mike has been praying to Odin with a Rosary made exclusively of teeth knocked out by Bob Probert. And Dave has been surfing the web ( he may be the only one of the boys with any perspective at all.)
And what has all this gotten us?
Fontanas has some sort of non-hockey related activity that has preempted our Hockey Night in Chinatown (At least we're pretty sure it's not hockey related. I mean, and then not to invite us? That would be kinda messed up, right? We've been watching hockey there for a couple of years. You don't think they found some other guys to throw a rock n' roll hockey party do you? Did they say anything to you? I don't know, like, something like they're unhappy or we're growing apart or they want to see other rock n' roll hockey parties? Will you do us a favor? Will you pass them a note in study hall?)

We were trying to find another bar to watch hockey in but no one was very keen on having large drunk guys yelling at their flat screen TV and singing along, loudly and badly, to Astroqueen's "Landslide" followed by them laughing and high-fiving each other to Bootsy Collins Records.
Go figure.

So...
NO Hockey Night at Fontanas
You can watch the Isles at the Rangers at 7pm on MSG (Ch. 27 Lower Manhattan Cable)

We'll probably end up watching it over at Rev. Timmy's so if you're coming out, give a call!

Scotty, we love you.

Pens at Isles - Devils at Canes - 7pm -Tue 26 Feb '08

2008-02-25T18:37:00.001-08:00

Now that we're at the trade deadline (3pm Tuesday) and we're down to the last twenty games we're just as busy as beavers here at Hockey Night in Chinatown.
Or as Dave and his crack team of über graphic samurai monks (Iron Cursor Dojo, Clan of the Leaping Paint Bucket) have so nimbly illustrated, we finally have our ducks in a row (definition #3: a noisy, acrimonious quarrel, see above.)
Dave Guadalahorowitz and Rev. Timmy are currently under administrative censure as last week they managed to sneak out of the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker after curfew by concealing themselves in one of our weekly shipments of used pornography to our sister organization Thai Boxing Night in Americatown which is held each Tuesday in Phnôttannăăz in the Americatown section of Rangoon, Myanmar (formerly Burma.) Once the boys had slipped their leash they went on a serious Deejaying spree which included, according to trustworthy sources, many beers, much Tequila and some animated and no doubt hilarious falsetto singing along with Cheap Trick's Dream Police. We here at the bunker were incapacitated when, upon detecting the escape, the HNICt Corporate Bunker Automatic Security System and Lotto Number Picking Device quickly and efficiently filled the joint with knock out gas and silly string (that stupid thing hasn't EVER worked properly. We've had it for 3 years and it's still blinking 12:00.) Thus we were prevented from producing last weeks flyer. But that's all in the past. And, judging by the unpredictable nature of the HNICt Corporate Bunker Automatic Security System and Lotto Number Picking Device probably in our future as well. It's Mega Millions Lotto number predictions for Tuesday were 47, 55, 3 7/8, -148, 3 x 10^23 and 3.141592653...
Frickin' useless. Sigh.

So wrap yourself in used pornography, wipe off that silly string and sneak on down to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown
Fontanas
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - February 26 '08
from 7:00pm till samurai monks crash through the skylight and chop us into tiny, delicious pieces.
This week:
The Pittsburgh Penguins at New York Islanders
And the New Jersey Devils at the Carolina Hurricanes*

In non-hockey related news our good buddy Richard Grant just published his 2nd book: God's Middle Finger: Into the Lawless Heart of the Sierra Madre
http://www.amazon.com/Gods-Middle-Finger-Lawless-Sierra/dp/1416534407

Richard spent the last couple years visiting Mexico's Sierra Madre region, one of the largest drug producing regions in the world, and has returned with many a tasty tale of treasure hunts, Apache hideaways, demented, depraved characters and drunken excess. It's just like Hockey Night in Chinatown without the Hockey or the Chinatown. So pick up a copy! We need to stay in the good graces of folks who can help us make it to Mexico when this whole Ponzi Scheme of Hockey Night in Chinatown blows up in our faces like the ridiculous, filthy, meth-lab trailer of an undertaking it actually is.

In hockey related news, here's some dopey hockey related stuff (sorry, most of the office equipment is still clogged with silly string.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ILy6T5tgnao

The trick is to evaporate the starter fluid without igniting it.
Always wear your safety goggles and hair nets, kids.

Scotty, we love you.
*Die, Confederate Hockey Scum!

Pens at Devils - Rangers at 'Canes - 7pm - Tues Jan 29, '08

2008-01-28T19:41:00.001-08:00

We here at Hockey Night in Chinatown have all dreamed of winning the Cup, but it never occurred to us how much fun it is to be it, until now. That there is the lovely and, apparently, indestructible Hayden Panettiere licking the lovely and indestructible Stanley Cup (Timmy's done the math and determined she's licking the spot just between the 1992 Pens and the 1993 Habs. Sigh....) We are trying to get her to come hang out with us in the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker. She'd be perfect! She seems EXTRA excited about Hockey (hubba, hubba.) She looks adorable in a cheerleader outfit. She's an able swimmer and you can shoot a crossbow bolt right through her head and she'll be fine. When we told Mike that the last part only works on her TV show, Heroes, he just laughed and said, "We'll see about that!" She does tend to cry a lot at the plight of helpless sea creatures, but after a few hours in the Hockey Night in Chinatown Poisonous Anemone Breeding Facility we're sure she'll forget all about them. And maybe even her own name.

So go ahead and lick whatever you find lying around, put on your cheerleader costume and come on down to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown
Fontanas
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - January 29, '07
from 7:00pm 'till Japanese Whalers show up, harpoon us and process our carcasses.
Pittsburgh Penguins at the New Jersey Devils
New York Rangers at Carolina Hurricanes (DCHS!*)

So the All-Star Game's all done and the "fun" part of the season is over (unless you're a Wings fan. They're 12 points ahead of everybody. Criminy!) If the Pens beat the Devils they'll be in in first in the Atlantic. The Rangers are in last. But there's only 5 points between 1st and last in the Atlantic so keep the faith, baby.

Go Pens!
Go Wings!
Go Rangers!
Go Habs!
Go Hockeyyyyyyyy!

Scotty, we love you.
* Die Confederate Hockey Scum!

ATL at NYR - BOS at MTL - 7pm - Tues, 22 Jan '08

2008-01-21T20:39:00.001-08:00

So Sid the Kid goes out for at least 4 weeks with a high ankle sprain seven minutes into the first period of Friday's loss against the Lightning. Then, on Saturday the Pens shutout the Habs 2-0. Then (!!!) on Monday the Pens lose a goal-fest verses the Caps in a shoot-out. So suffice it to say Rev. Timmy has been EXTRAORDINARILY uneven ( The Pens are his boys, and the Habs are his 2nd boys and every time they play he basically wants all the forwards to score hat-tricks and both goalies to get shut-outs. So you can imagine.) This sequence of events has proved extra taxing for someone as chemically unbalanced as our dear Reverend (self-induced or not, the cat is chemically unbalanced.) So we are very much looking forward to Tuesday's games. Even if it goes savagely against the Rangers or the Canadiens, at least there will be no ambivalence afoot. We'll just be glad to an end of Timmy skipping through the HNIC't Corporate Bunker to Abba songs one minute and then sobbing and spraying mace in the faces of the clerical staff the next (Charlene, the receptionist, threatened to quit.) It's just so hard to keep your guard up when Take a Chance On Me is blaring.
We're not terribly concerned as the Habs Rule! and everything about Boston Sucks! (O.K. sole exception: skinny, pale, punk rock girls who balance Dave's checkbook and get Timmy nifty Supersuckers swag. So far we've only found one.)
http://slipofagirl.com/

So take your lithium, leave your mace at home and skip on down to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown
Fontanas
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday -January 22, '08
from 7:00pm 'till Charlene's husband shows up looking for Rev. Timmy
Atlanta Thrashers at New York Rangers (HD)
Boston Bruins at Montréal Canadiens

Check this out: Rick Nash last Friday against the Coyotes. Try not to whistle Sweet Georgia Brown while you watch it a second time.
Betcha can't.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kBQArUjP89w

Our good buddies Richard Bacchus and the Luckiest Girls are making their way up here with some sort of Mid-Atlantic Hockey Town tour.
They're playing in Philly, Boston, Washington and Brooklyn (which is, apparently now part of New York City. Since when? 1898? No Shit!)
Anyway, they'll be at Trash Bar on Saturday night.
So watch the skills competition of the All-Star Game and head over.
10pm or so Sat 26 Jan '08
Trash Bar
256 Grand St. between Driggs & Roebling
Williamsburg, Brooklyn NY 11211
http://www.myspace.com/richardbacchus
http://www.thetrashbar.com/

You did buy the record already, right?
Don't make us send Timmy over with Abba records and pepper spray.
http://www.richardbacchus.com/

Our Love Is A
Terrible Thing

Scotty, we love you.

Montréal Canadiens at New York Islanders - Tues - 7pm - 15 Jan '08

2008-01-14T19:51:00.000-08:00

What are these guys so happy about? (one might ask) Well, they're Canadiens for one. For another, they're going to Long Island to play the Islanders.
Why on earth would they be happy about going to L.I.? (excellent question!) Well, they're going to get a nice home cooked meal from their respective Mommies as those two gentlemen are Long Island natives, Chris Higgins and Mike Komisarek.
Why in the hell do we know dopey stuff like that? (O.K. now you're just being nosey.) Because down in the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker we have a magazine rack that has it's own measurable gravity. There's The Hockey News, Canadiens Magazine (the Official Magazine of the Montréal Canadiens, in both English AND French!), a bunch of old copies of Mad, Cracked, Crazy and Redbook (mostly Rev. Timmy's), some photoshop and design mags (Dave) and complete collections of both Modern Head-butting Quarterly and Punching Enthusiast (that would be Mike.) And of course tons and tons (and tons) of old pornography (Oui? They don't still print Oui, do they? Hey, ice dildos!)

So fill out your subscription card, grab your junk outta the freezer and get your mail carrier to shove you through the slot at...

Hockey Night in Chinatown
http://hnict.blogspot.com/
Fontanas
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - October 30, '07
from 7:00pm till we get fed up and wander off.
This week:
The Montréal Canadiens at The New York Islanders (alas, not in HD)

Some other ridiculous crap we found in the Canadiens Magazine includes a young Avril Lavigne shoving a goalie and going to the box.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=9Gt8bb5FMnA

It's not all that interesting (truth be told we didn't even watch the whole thing) but all this typing sort of fills up the white area (that's negative space to you college grads) at the bottom of the email.

The quick brown fox
jumped over the lazy dog!

Scotty knows we tried. He also probably wouldn't put up with this sort of half-assedness. And another thing, there is finally proof that the Toronto Maple Leafs are perfectly happy not making the play-offs or ever intend to win a Cup again: They turned down Scotty as sort of Grand Poobah for their whole organization. Scotty, we love you. Even if those stupid Leafs don't. (Here's hoping they trade Sundin. Criminy.)

Lightning at Rangers - Avalanche at Red Wings - 7pm - Tues, Jan 8, '08

2008-01-08T08:56:00.001-08:00

Here's hoping whatever annual gift-man came your way during the end of the year did you right.
He blessed us here at Hockey Night in Chinatown with an excellent Winter Classic with Sid winning it for the Pens in a shoot out amid flurries and wind and giant sink holes in the ice (sorry Lil.) Also, some people actually watched it on their televisions! Go figure.
http://www.buffalonews.com/258/story/241676.html

But hopefully you've stowed your holiday gear and are ready for the real reason for the season: The 73rd birthday of our Lord and Savior:
Elvis Aaron Presley.

Sure that Jesus guy made enough fish and bread to feed everyone, but did he make it with Ann Margret?
http://www.ann-margret.com/

So come down offa that cross (we can use the wood) and point your pelvis to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown
Fontanas
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - October 30, '07
from 7:00pm 'till Elvis shows up (No, I swear, I seen 'im!)
The Tamps Bay Lightning at the New York Rangers in HD!
The Colorado Avalanche at the Detroit Red Wings.

It's looking like '08 is gonna treat us much better than '07. There's a healthy dose of HD games on Tuesdays to come with the Habs and the Pens both playing locally. The Hockey News put the depth charts back in. The Red Wings are ruling the NHL and most everyone Rev. Timmy likes is on the rise (which makes life soooooooo much easier here in the HNIC't Corporate Bunker, believe me. Those blast doors are not just for show.)
It ain't November no more.
Skate, Shoot, Score you fuckers!

C'mon Rangers! Get on your pony!

We're just a hunka hunka burnin' Scotty!

No Hockey Night in Chinatown - Happy Holidays!

2007-12-17T16:08:00.000-08:00

At last week's Hockey Night in Chinatown, during one of the bloodiest games of yuletide mumbly peg in recent memory, Saké Mike managed to relieve some poor fella of his Rangers/Penguins tickets for this Tuesday night (and a goodly portion of his blood. We had to send one of the interns for orange juice, sugar cookies and two rolls of paper towels.)
http://www.inquiry.net/outdoor/games/beard/mumbly_peg.htm

Since Rev. Timmy was instrumental in Mike's victory, through an elaborate system of key jangling and name calling, he was selected to join the expedition up to Madison Square Garden. Dave was just as happy as he's been looking forward all year to staying home and watching hockey in HD in his underwear with Amon Amarth blaring and a fresh chicken parm sandwich delivered at the start of every period.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DhptP8j-t-M

Alas, this was to be the first Hockey Night in Chinatown in HD all year, but we got a chance to go see it in highest definition (assuming Mike and Timmy can get all the blood of their eyeglasses.)

We'll be off during the holiday season, or more accurately exporting Hockey Night in Chinatown to several outlying locations like Flint, MI, Akron, OH, Armonk NY, Raleigh, NC (Does Akron have a Chinatown? Is it just that store that sells monkey hand ashtrays and tiger penis tea?)

We'll also be planning our gala Hockey Night in Chinatown Salutes Elvis Aaron Presley Celebration and Pagent to coincide with the first HNIC't of next year on Jan. 8, '08.
Till then we wish you and yours the sincerest non-specific winter holiday greetings our tiny black atheist hearts can muster.
(We will not believe in, nor even tolerate any deity that would allow Phoenix to have a NHL Team. Let alone one that would permit said team to drub the Rangers 5-1. This is not the way to get Peace on Earth.)

Merry Hockeyyyyyyy!!!
Scotty Bowman to all, and to all a good night!

Pittsburgh Penguins at Philadelphia Flyers - 7pm - Tue 11 Dec '07

2007-12-10T18:31:00.000-08:00

As you may have gathered from our flyer, Dave was out of town this last weekend with our Chairman of Pacific Division Hockey Mocking, Richie Rock visiting our Mountain Time Zone legal counsel Smokin' Al Feldman, who's celebrating his 40th birthday. Without Dave's leadership the graphics department quickly digressed to a spirited and noisy session of "Name That Typeface" that was only broken up when Rev. Timmy and Saké Mike went in with shotguns full of rock salt and bacon rinds. We didn't want to give Tim and Mike shotguns, but they were so wound up after Brendan Shanahan's game winning goal Sunday night we couldn't keep them out of the armory. Tim faked a seizure and Mike set off the alarm in the Hockey Night in Chinatown Poisonous Anemone Breeding Facility. After that it was short work for them to overpower the remaining guards and work the lock (we gotta change that combination: Gordie left, Mario right, Bobby left.)
The entire graphics department and several security guards and interns were treated and released later Sunday night or Monday morning. By then, however the boys had locked up every graphics workstation with elaborate spread sheet projections of how many goals and points Mario Lemieux would have scored if he'd remained healthy his entire career and pop-up windows from "free" porn thumbnail sites (do you know how much pornography it takes to lock up a Cray XT5? Well we do, now.) So to avoid yet another workplace related lawsuit we sent the graphics department home and gave them all gift certificates for Tim Hortons and River City Sports.
http://www.timhortons.com/
http://www.rivercitysports.com/US/nhl-06.cfm

After the smoke cleared and the poisonous anemone were back in their tank (real seizure from Timmy this time) we had little time or, truth be told, inclination to get the flyer together. We apologize to anyone whose week was ruined by our crappy flyer. And we feel sorry for you.

So close all your pop-up windows and bring all your esoteric hypothetical hockey print-outs on down to:
Hockey Night in Chinatown
Fontanas
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - October 30, '07
from 7:00pm 'till we run outta hockey games to yell at.

This week:
The Pittsburgh Penguins at The Philadelphia Flyers

Last Thursday we had a Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Fieldtrip to see The Atomic Bitchwax at Ace of Clubs and a delightful time was had by all. If you need your Rock and Roll gland stimulated they are definitely worth your while. Go see them while you can, one of Rev. Timmy's super-powers is making bands he likes disappear from the planet far too soon. It's not intentional, it just happens. Sort of like the Stay-puft Marshmellow Man from Ghostbusters.
http://www.theatomicbitchwax.com/

Dave will be back next week and everything will be back to normal.
For us.
(Mike just ran through the Control Room with a spear gun. Gotta go...)

Happy Birthday Smokin' Al!
Hurry Home Dave!
But who could blame you for staying away?

Al, Dave, Scotty, we love you.

Detroit Red Wings at Montréal Canadiens -7:30-Tues- Dec. 4th, '07

2007-12-04T09:38:00.001-08:00

Finally we get some REAL hockey.
Last night in the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker we had to wince and grimace our way through a truly lousy showing by the Rangers against whom? The first place Senators? (whom the Rangers trail by only two points) Their cross-Hudson rivals the Devils? The resurgent Islanders with their super-duper rent-a-line?

Nooooooooo! The Rangers instead put their ass in the air and punked out for the Carolina Hurricanes. Now NC is not a bad place for college basketball (basket-what? what-ball? what-what?) and they seem to enjoy their NASCAR as much as the next bunch of button-down and khaki wearing, new money frat-boy, South-will-rise-again folks (Stupid Confederacy; worst losers ever. The Union stomped their ass flat more than 140 years ago and they're still fightin'. Feeble-ass crackers.) But Carolina ain't hockey country.

Never fear, though. All will be made right Tuesday night when the Montreal Canadiens (est. Dec 4th, 1909, Bon Anniversaire!) host, all the way from Hockeytown, U.S.A., the Detroit Red Wings (est. 1926.)

So stow your Stars and Bars, send your Klan suit out for a good cleaning and drive your bedless pickup truck down to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown
Fontanas
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - October 23, '07
from 7:30pm to whenever the floor gets too slippery from the blood of kickball kids.

This week:
The Detroit Red Wings at The Montréal Canadiens

We would also like to note the passing of Evel Knievel, as he was once owner, coach and player for the Butte Bombers minor league hockey team. There's an excellent documentary on the History Channel called Absolute Evel: The Evel Knievel Story. It has the man himself in all his lunk-headed glory explaining why he was a modern day gladiator and not some dope too stupid to realize that jumping 50 buses on a motorbike could possibly end badly. Around here we just use him to feel better about ourselves. We've all made some pretty questionable choices here at Hockey Night in Chinatown but we've never escaped from jail the day before release and ended up doing six more months.
Happy Landings, Evel!

If you're in the mood for some recreational voting, and really who isn't, we've got a couple things to keep your computer busy.
First, we need you to go to the NHL All Star Ballot and write in Jiri Hudler from the Wings for the West and Gary Roberts of the Penguins for the East.
http://fanballoting.nhl.com

Then, if you're not too tuckered out, head on over to the Greenpeace site where they're voting to name a whale. Our personal pick is Mister Splashy Pants and we urge you to vote for that name as the other choices are things like the Inuit word for "Jackasses who bother people while they are walking through Union Square" or the Australian Aboriginal word for "self-righteous prick."
You know any whale would shoot a harpoon right through your head if he could.
http://www.greenpeace.org/international/campaigns/oceans/whaling/great-whale-trail/gwt-vote

Update (12-17-08):
Mister Splashy Pants Wins!

So come on down and root for the Wings, the overall point leader in the NHL with 38, or the Habs, who glower down from their majestic throne of 24 Stanley Cups (more than 2nd place Toronto (13) and 3rd place Detroit (10) combined.)

It's proper hockey with no palm trees out in front of the arena

Yay Wings!
Yay Habs!
Yay Hockeyyyy!!!!
Goddamn Muther-bug-fuckin-A Right!

Scotty, we love you for winning Cups with both the Habs and the Wings.
Oh, and the Pens, too!

Calgary Flames at Detroit Red Wings - 7pm Tue 27 '07

2007-11-27T01:59:00.000-08:00

Here at Hockey Night in Chinatown we are thankful for:
1. William Scott Bowman.
2. Hockeyyyyyyyy!!!
3. Labatt Blue.
4. Satan ( No, not Miroslav Satan, but Old Nick, the Prince of Darkness, that little guy on the Underwood Ham Can.)
5. The Pens beating the Senators the night before Thanksgiving.
6. Those wonderful, magical beer mugs at Madison Square Garden with the built in pretzel rod holder. Genius.
7. Astroqueen, and really Scandinavians in general. From Henriks Zetterberg and Lundquist to the Hellacopters to Jarko Ruutu (who got the game winning shoot-out goal for #5, go figure) to Alfred Nobel, inventor of dynamite ( an essential tool in our work here at HNIC't.)
8. The Rangers are finally rolling.
9. That it's still only November (Come on Pens!)
10. The 11 foot thick blast doors at the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker (sometimes to keep things out, mostly to keep things in.)

So choke down yet another turkey sandwich and waddle on down to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - November 27, '07
from 7:00pm 'till the police show up 'cause we committed a felony on one of the kick-ball party kids.

This week:
The Calgary Flames at The Detroit Red Wings.

We were going to have a list of stuff we weren't thankful for as well but we got to "Gary Bettman" and "The Canadiens losing back to back games to the Sabres," when Rev. Timmy punched himself so hard in the face that we had to take him to the infirmary at the HNIC't Corporate Bunker. Once there, we overpowered the staff, got all goofy on Percocet and Demoral, gave each other adrenaline shots and held rather noisy and uncoordinated wheelchair races the rest of the night. The infirmary staff were paid to keep quiet and have since all been issued side arms. What could go wrong?

Once again,
We are thankful for the blast doors.

Scotty, we love you.

Again...Blast doors.

Detroit Red Wings at St. Louis Blues - 7:30pm - Tues. 13 Nov. '07

2007-11-12T22:16:00.000-08:00

If you recall, last week we were all uppity and cheerful about the Rangers, Pens and Habs all getting shutouts. Well since then we have paid dearly. The Pens are at the bottom of the Atlantic Division, the Rangers lost to the Islanders. The Habs lost a good one to the Senators. And we're sure there's more to come. Rev. Timmy's so mopey he can't even muster the gumption to climb up into the catwalks. He just shuffles around the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker in a housecoat drinking herbal tea and is up to washing his hands about 200 times a day (that whole flicking the light switch on and off while reciting prime numbers is getting kinda annoying, too. And creepy!)
Eighty-two hockey games a season, eighty-two reasons to cry.

So blow your nose, wipe your eyes and shuffle on down to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown
Fontanas
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - October 23, '07
from 7:30pm to whenever we get sick of the kick-ball kids (ugh, don't ask.)

This week:
The Detroit Red Wings at The St. Louis Blues

We were hoping we could count on a lead-pipe cinch but Chicago even got the Wings to stumble this Sunday last.
At least in St. Louis we've got a chance to see our long lost buddy John "J.D." Davidson, whose commentation we sorely miss.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sSW8lJSt4J0
Come back J.D.!
Everything is forgiven!

Scotty, we love you.

New York Rangers at New York Islanders - 7pm - Nov. 6, '07

2007-11-05T22:03:00.000-08:00

If you wondered why time and space seemed to warp slightly this last Saturday night in the New York Metropolitan Area before you had ingested whatever gear you use to get your third eye open and keep your spiritual five-hole closed we can explain it quickly and simply.
Our hero in all things (not just hockey) William Scott Bowman was in attendance at the Nassau Veterans' Memorial Coliseum to drop the puck for Al Arbour's 1500th game as coach of the Isles and alas, 740th win and 782th victory overall (second only to Scotty.)
http://www.cbc.ca/sports/hockey/story/2007/11/04/arbour-islanders-penguins.html
The Islanders beat the Penguins and the Leafs beat the Canadiens, so after both losses Rev. Timmy disappeared into the catwalks over the workshop grabbing most of our new pornography and all of our Rye, but not before vandalizing the bumper pool table in a manner so foul, so inhumanly brutal, that our lunchtime bumper pool tournament was not only canceled, but all references to it in our records have been expunged.
Timmy would not reappear until after Monday night when the Pens, the Rangers and the Habs all came in with shutouts. We're not really sure how he watches the games up there but the blood curdling hollers and smashing glass do seem to coincide with the progress of the games (His favorites are "Go stand by the fucking goalie!!!" and "I don't know whether to cry or wind my watch!")

So expunge yourself off (oof!) and saunter on down to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown
http://hnict.blogspot.com/
Fontanas
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - Nov 6, '07
from 7:00pm to 10pm or so.
The New York Rangers at the New York Islanders.

Space-time shenanigans must've been afoot in Toronto as well Saturday night as Don Cherry had nice things to say about Saku Koivu AND Jaromir Jagr.
http://www.cbc.ca/sports/hockey/hnic/coachscorner/2007/11/saku_koivu_deserves_praise_not.html

In other, sort of, hockey news our good buddy Mike Jay got one through his lovely wife Libby's "five hole" about nine months ago (eww, that sounds kinda extra filthy, sorry) and we are excited to welcome to the planet the newest Red Wings fan:
Miss Adelaide Wilde Jay!
Momma and baby are doing just dandy. As are the Red Wings.
Saké Mike's convinced that they're so bad ass this year that we should send them over to Iraq to clean house and then have them take care of global warming and digital music rights.

Our gal Miss Jilly is so excited she's throwing an after Hockey Night in Chinatown and Welcome Miss Adelaide Jay Party at:
St. Jerome's
155 Rivington St. btw Clinton and Rivington
10PM till the cows come home.
So stop on by, or the terrorists win.

The whole Red Wings cleaning up the middle east is enticing, but that would violate our prime directive here at Hockey Night in Chinatown:

Keep Hockey Cold!

Death to Islamic Hockey Scum!!!
Not really, but it was just too silly to resist. And anyway they started it... After we sorta started it...ummmmm...errrr...
Hockeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!

Addy, Gracie, Libby, Mikey, Scotty, we love you!

Pittsburgh at Minnesota - 7pm - 30 Oct '07

2007-10-29T19:22:00.000-07:00

(Also the term for girls that hang around outside The Igloo trollin’ for Penguins.)

Well everybody around the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker is moving a little slow this Monday as over the weekend we celebrated the 40th birthday of our good buddy and HNIC't Chairman of Pacific Division Hockey Mocking: Richie Rock.

Well "Celebrated" doesn't really give an accurate impression. Saturday night we let Rock's 40th Birthday out of it's cage, chased it down with torches and pitchforks, tied it to a chair, shocked it's genitals with a car battery charger, hit it in the face with a phone book repeatedly, revived it, made it wear a fancy dress, took it dancing, dragged it out into the alley, did unmentionable things to it that no one is very proud of and then gave it $20 and sent it home in a cab. We spent the whole day today erasing the security tapes at Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Headquarters and scrubbing blood (and other) stains off the floor.

Needless to say, Rock's birthday isn't gonna show it's face for a while.

But you should bring your face (fancy dress optional, but appreciated) down to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown
http://hnict.blogspot.com/
Fontanas
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - October 30, '07
from 7:00pm to 12 midnight.

This week:
The Pittsburgh Penguins at The Minnesota Wild

This here is the part of the email where we would insert further snarky comments if we were not too tore up to do so.

Happy Birthday Richie Rock!

Richie, we love you.

New York Rangers at Pittsburgh Penguins - 7pm Tue - 23 October '07

2007-10-22T16:34:00.000-07:00

Just like the hockey season itself, it's taken us here at Hockey Night in Chinatown a couple weeks to get our skates under us (Scott Gomez, we're looking at you,) and for that we'd like to apologize.
But we're not going to.
And if that gets your panties in a bunch, we must warn you that this last weekend Saké Mike hosted a seminar on climbing over the glass with one's skates on. So we're ready to go if you folks start hucking batteries or heat up pennies with a lighter and toss'em on the ice (the preferred method is to hold the penny with a pair of tweezers and giggle maniacally the whole time.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8K7roZu3WU

So unbunch whatever's bunched up on ya, pick through your change jar and scoot on down to...

Hockey Night in Chinatown
Fontanas
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - October 23, '07
from 7:00pm to 12 midnight.

This week:
The New York Rangers at The Pittsburgh Penguins

On a related note, our good buddies Richard Bacchus and The Luckiest Girls have just released a new record Jet Black and Beautiful onto the interweb. We've been playing it continuously in the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker and I gotta say, everyone's got a a bounce in his step, nobody steals from the coffee fund anymore and, curiously, everyone's teeth are brighter, whiter and more vibrant. (Savage beatings have risen slightly, but that seems like more than a fair tradeoff.)
http://www.richardbacchus.com/index.html

It's quite the collection of ditties detailing the face washes and slew foots that life perpetrates perpetually upon us all.
http://www1.epinions.com/content_3881410692

Oh, and it just happens to rock mightily.

So pony up and give some support to a cat who routinely goes to the corner for rock and roll and digs out the puck for our side.
iTunes:
http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewAlbum?i=264793731&id=264793297&s=143441
emusic:
http://www.emusic.com/album/Richard-Bacchus-The-Luckiest-Girls-Jet-Black-Beautiful-MP3-Download/11096532.html

Here's him and the "girls" hard at work at the Lincoln Theatre in Raleigh:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bF27phbjZyY

Despite the fact that he's based in Raleigh, we stand by our well established credo:

Die, Confederate Hockey Scum!
Keep Hockey Cold!

Ricky, Jimmy, Larry, Billy, Scotty, we love you.

Caronlina at Toronto - 7pm - Tuesday - 7 Oct 2007

2007-10-08T20:46:00.001-07:00

Much has transpired since we last gathered 'round Fontanas' Great Glowing HD Hearth of Hockey:

- California got it's first Cup (shudder, wince) by the Anaheim Ducks.
- Mike taught a little Dominican boy the true meaning of Bastille Day by flattening a MTA Transit Policeman's nose with a head butt on the F train between West 4th and B'way-Lafayette.
-The Rangers raided upstate and across the Hudson to assemble a pretty daunting looking team, enraging Devils and Sabres fans simultaneously.
-Rev. Timmy was placed under house arrest complete with nifty cyber-ankle bracelet after pleading guilty to discharging a firearm in a public swimming pool.
-William Wirtz passed away, hopefully freeing the Blackhawks from their T.V. boycott and general overall suckiness (it's no fun hating them if they just suck.)
-Patrick Roy and Mario Lemieux both turned 42 last Friday.
-We got a new bumper pool table for the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker (Oh, we set up a HNIC't blog of all the past emails too.)
http://hnict.blogspot.com/
-The Rangers, Wings and Habs all won their season openers, the Pens beat the Ducks (but alas, lost to Carolina.)
-We put spiffy new pinstriping on the Atomic Voodoo Hockey Deathray.
-Dave had to serve 100 hours of community service (conspiracy to discharge a firearm in a public swimming pool) at the Lower East Side Home for Wayward Teenage Girls. After "counseling" some of the girls in their waywardness, his sentence was increased to 200 hours. You couldn't get that smile off his face with a belt sander.
-Gary Bettman's reign of wanton douchebaggery continues unabated (everyone who thought that one of the things wrong with the NHL was the uniforms go home and wait for us to come by and shoot out your porch light.)
http://www.firebettman.com/

Now that you're tan, rested and ready, fold up your beach umbrella and get down to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown
Fontanas
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - 9 Oct, '07
from 7:00pm till 10 or so.

This week:
The Carolina Hurricanes at the Toronto Maple Leafs

In keeping with the general torment of being a hockey fan, we've only got one game for our first Hockey Night in Chinatown and it's not even in Hi-def. Or even a game we really care about (though we will be rooting for the Leafs, them having ice and snow up in Toronto.)

One good thing is the new NHL Network which is doing a free preview for all of October. It's got that "On the Fly" show, old games and basically all the hockey stuff not on regular (U.S.) television. We found it by accident by searching for NHL in the cable guide thingy. For Manhattan Time Warner Cable it's channel 458.
Their website was useless to find it elsewhere, but you should be used to jumping through hoops for hockey by now.
http://www.tsn.ca/nhl_network/

So Sharpen your skates.
Tape up your stick.
Wrap foil 'round your fists.
It's Hockey Season!!!

Hockeyyyyyy!!!!

Hockey, we love you.

Wings at Ducks - Tues - 9pm

2007-05-21T10:34:00.000-07:00

In the spirit of the summer of movie sequels laid out before us we present The Return of the Son of the Revenge of Detroit vs. Anaheim. And, in keeping with the spirit of most sequels, things are looking like they could turn for the worse with the Ducks up 3-1 in the series. We here at Hockey Night in Chinatown do recognize that this situation is essential, however, for the Wings to whip them Ducks good on their own crappy ice and turn things into a triumphant Godfather II, or at least a compelling (and invigorating) Where the Boys Aren't 7.

So send your brother fishing with one of your henchmen, put away the hand lotion and come on down to...

Hockey Night in Chinatown
Fontanas 105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - May 22, '07 from 9:00pm to 12 midnight or so.
(Still Stupid West Coast)

The Detroit Redwings at The Anaheim Ducks - Game 6 - Ducks up 3-2.

Here's a terrible video highlighting the fact that hockey and porn go together about as well as every member city of the NHL Pacific Division and Hockey. If you can bear to watch the whole thing, we'll give you a pretzel. (Don't bother, we'll give you two if you don't.)
http://www.mojoflix.com/Video/Sexy-Hockey-Goalie.html

If your 11 year old can't figure out why the ice sucks so much in Anaheim and is so good in Edmonton, take him or her to a doctor. If they can figure out why the Rangers have such lousy ice, buy them an X-box 360.
http://www.thehockeynews.com/en/news/news.asp?idNews=24100

Keep Hockey Cold!

Scotty, we love you.

Wings at Ducks - 9pm Tues, 15 May '07

2007-05-15T10:54:00.000-07:00

You might be wondering what we all do when we have a Tuesday off due to the inhuman cruelty of the Hockey Playoff Scheduling Gods. Well, last week Dave made a sound-proof box in which to imprison that Nascar Kid from the Geico commercials. (The Box of Acoustic Cruelty - patent pending)
His plan was to destroy the little boy's brain with an endless loop of Night on Disco Mountain from the "Saturday Night Fever Soundtrack."
Meanwhile, Mike baked a batch of brownies laced with Window Pane and laxatives to send to Scott Niedermayer, Chris Pronger and J-S Giguere in order to aid the Wings in their Cup quest.

As the pan of brownies was cooling in the break room of the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker, Rev. Timmy wandered by and scarfed down about half of them. (It should come as no surprise that most of the goings on in the bunker resemble a particularly poorly rendered episode of "Three's Company.") Shortly thereafter he commenced wailing, "Spiders! Bats! Too Goddamn many Spiders and Bats!" This was followed by a quick serpentine dash through the Control Room into the workshop area. He pushed Dave into a big pile of paint thinner cans and oily rags we keep around for emergencies (you never know) and then barricaded himself inside Dave's newly completed Box of Acoustic Cruelty.
Eventually we coaxed Tim out with repeated high volume playings of "Rocky Racoon" at 45rpm and a bottle Jim Beam.
Alas, we let our guard down for the briefest of moments and he grabbed the bottle and disappeared into the catwalks high above the workshop floor. We sent one of the interns up after him, but he quickly returned with a freshly chipped front tooth, a badly singed eyebrow and shy one shoe.
Tim reappeared Thursday for the Sabres-Sens game looking hale, healthy and relaxed. (Though he did keep muttering something about McGill, Lil and Gideon's Bible.)
As far as Dave's Box of Acoustic Cruelty goes, let's just say that whatever the laxatives started, the Window Pane finished, and leave it at that.

Anyway, try to maintain, get yourself cleaned up and come on down to...

Hockey Night in Chinatown
Fontanas 105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - May 15, '07 from 9:00pm to 12 midnight or so. (Stupid West Coast)

The Detroit Redwings at The Anaheim Ducks, Game 3, Series tied 1-1.

Here's another example of what can go wrong with drug filled brownies and hockey submitted by our good buddy Jet Black Richard Bacchus (2 time MVP of the Northern Mexico Hockey League - Left Wing - Tijuana Hookers) http://media.freep.com/audio/2007/0510potcop_freep.mp3

Since Dave is still busy trying to clean out The Box of Acoustic Cruelty (yuck!), he didn't have time to make a flyer this week. Instead, we've included a picture of Bob Probert you can use to frighten burglars or discipline your children. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1rH9wKQPoH0

Bob, we love you. (And we shudder to think what would happen if we didn't.)

Sabres at Rangers - Ducks at Canucks-8pm Tues

2007-04-30T12:58:00.000-07:00

It's really not our fault that this is the first Hockey Night in Chinatown of the Playoffs.
But here we are, 3rd games of the 2nd round and ready to go.

The dopey reasons for our absence are multitude and mostly fictitious.
Suffice it to say, we lay most of the blame on Commissioner Gary Bettman.
Send your cards, letters and dead rats in shoe boxes to:
Gary Bettman
c/o The National Hockey League
1251 Ave. of the Americas
New York, NY 10020

If you want to visit them in person, our advice is to try and go in right after Tim does.
Most of the security guards' tazers are out of juice by the time they get him down.
Be warned that we suspect most of the security at NHL HQ is very large and very
upset at not playing professional hockey.

After your arraignment, why not swing by...
Hockey Night in Chinatown
Fontanas
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - May 1, '07
from 7:00 to 12 or so.

7pm Buffalo Sabres at New York Rangers
10:30 Anaheim Ducks at Vancouver Canucks

Oh, here's something that'll confuse and amaze you.
Guy Lafleur made some sort of disco/hockey album.
What could go wrong?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A6SiIUDBXR0

Guy, we love you, anyway.

No Hockey = No Hockey Night in Chinatown.

2007-04-24T13:12:00.000-07:00

We held out a faint hope that Detroit and Calgary would go to seven games and we'd be able to get the ball rolling HNIC'town-wise, but the Flames lost their minds at the end of the 5th game on Saturday and started thugging it up (in a wholly unimpressive and feeble manner.)
http://www.calgaryflames.com/cgi-bin/news/comments.cgi?type=newsroom&file_num=0000001283

Johan Franzen, recipient of a stick whacking from 18 second sub goalie Jamie McLennan, took his time (a little more than 4 periods, in fact) and served up his revenge ice cold.
http://sports.yahoo.com/nhl/recap?gid=2007042203&prov=ap

Thusly, no hockey to watch Tuesday night. Unless Monday night's Dallas and Vancouver game manages to go something like 67 overtime periods. And like my Pa always said," Nobody plays any good after 30 overtime periods." (Accurate advice, though not terribly useful.)

Anyway that's what's up. Hockey Night in Chinatown will return as soon as they play hockey on Hockey Night in Chinatown.

Just like MacArthur.

SWLY

7pm Tues * Sabres at Pens * Rangers at Isles * Sens at Devils

2007-04-02T13:16:00.000-07:00

With the success of Black Hockey History Month, we here at Hockey Night in Chinatown immediately began making plans for a similar salute for Women's Hockey History Month.
The entire staff gathered around the computer and we started searching for images for Dave to mutate into appropriately demented (and non-legally actionable) flyers.

Predictably the searches quickly deteriorated from "women in hockey" to "women kissing" to "hot lesbian czech teens toying" (truth be told, we never completely typed in "women in hockey.")

The ensuing work stoppage was equalled only by the time Mike brought back a bunch of sushi back from Flint for the office and left it by the radiator all morning. At first we thought it a simple miscalculation in safe food handling protocol, until we realized he had crazy glued the doors to the bathrooms shut. No doubt he was trying to punish us for something (probably his being born in Flint.)

So stifle your nausea (bring a bucket, if need be) and come on down to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown
Fontanas
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - March 27, '07
from 7:00pm to 12 midnight.

This week:
The Buffalo Sabres at the Pittsburgh Penguins
The New York Rangers at the New York Islanders (in voluptuous HD)
The Ottawa Senators at the New Jersey Devils

At any rate, with our interest in women actually playing hockey (sorry girls, er, womyn, whatever) in full retreat against the more peripheral (that is, bouncier) results of our arduous googling (as in "He got google all over his keyboard."), we elected to salute the women who dig hockey or at least hockey players.

So below are some links to fill your day and your computer screen with pop-up windows until the hockey starts:
http://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gif
Janet Jones-Gretzky, Mrs. Great One:

Angelica Bridges: the former Mrs. Sheldon Souray: http://www.askmen.com/women/models_60/76c_angelica_bridges.html

Elisha Cuthbert, Sean Avery's (??!!) girl: http://www.askmen.com/specials/2007_top_99/10/elisha-cuthbert/by_name.html

And a big list of the "Ice Girls" (strippers) for NHL teams: http://www.manlyweb.com/women/nhl/index.html

And of course our (involuntary) model for the flyer this week: http://lustdesigns.com/images/galleries/g_misscon_hockey/04-r.html

We don't know if any of these links are safe for work. After Tim's flare gun accident last week "safe for work" has little to do with stuff on the computer (we are a little concerned that he downloaded a .pdf of the Anarchist's Cookbook.)

Also, if you're dopey enough to show this email to your wife and/or girlfriend (especially if she plays hockey) then you deserve to stay home and watch American Idol instead of drinking beer, eating pretzels and yelling at high-def pixels dancing with the likes of Sidney Crosby and Jaromir Jagr.

Come on down and buy Mike a beer for his birthday (April 1st, no fooling.) AKA

You do not want him coming to your home.

Trust us.

Scotty, we love you.

THIS TUESDAY! Rangers vs Canadiens & Devils vs Islanders.

2007-03-26T11:04:00.000-07:00

After an entire week of dealing with Tim's mopiness and missing last week's Hockey Night, we here at Hockey Night in Chinatown are anxious to get out of the Hockey Night in Chinatown Corporate Bunker. He hasn't taken off his Mario jersey since we were snowed out from flying to Pittsburgh and since then his hygiene has been, shall we say, less meticulous than usual. We're betting that his continuous diet of microwave burritos, sauerkraut and garlic is not helping the air down here either.

And of course there are still plenty of goat carcasses lying around.

On the plus side, Dave convinced Tim that nobody liked him; Mike convinced him that everybody hates him and we have quite an elaborate office pool on the number, manner and preparation method of the worms that he'd eat. (NC-double what? Final who?)

That project ended up back-burnered when Tim fired off a flare gun during a board meeting and ignited some cleaning supplies stored behind the copier, setting off the sprinklers and filling the entire complex with acrid chemical smoke (best board meeting ever!)

Truth be told, I didn't know we had any cleaning supplies down here at all, aside from the drums of bobble-head polish.

The copier, of course, was always the center of interest at the Christmas Party (Oh, the terrible things that piece of glass has had to endure.)

At least it seems to smell a little better in the bunker.

So follow your nose down to...
Hockey Night in Chinatown
Fontanas
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - March 27, '07
from 7:30pm to 12 midnight.

This week: The New York Rangers at The Montreal Canadiens (in luscious HD)
The New Jersey Devils at The New York Islanders.

If you would like to attend the field trip to see Ray Ferraro next time NBC Sports comes to Rockefeller Center, please get your permission slips signed and submitted.
If you do not have a weapon, one will be provided for you.
Tim already called the flare gun.
Actually, we just can't get it away from him. (Mike now has a big burn hole in his CCCP sweater that he's none too happy about.)

How did he get so many flares?

And where the hell is he hiding them?

Scotty, we love you.

Rangers at Devils - 7pm Tues, 20 Feb '07

2007-02-20T13:24:00.000-08:00

Being Hockey fans we have some small inkling of how it feels to be treated like second class citizens.
No, we're not about to pretend that Plymouth Rock landed on us or we have ever been treated like three fifths of a person, but we have been relegated to the back of the the sports section and the upper reaches of the cable box.
That's us, way behind the Texas Hold'em, NASCAR and Mixed Martial Arts Fighting on your T.V. dial.

In sympathetic brotherhood with our African-American friends we are celebrating the rare overlap between the Hockey World and Black History Month by announcing Black Hockey History Month (really, is there a more miserable month for anything than February?)
and saluting Willie O'ree, the first African-North American to play in the NHL.
http://missioncreep.com/mw/oree.html

Though he only played 40 games, and there wasn't another Black player for 25 years, he at least got the ball (er, puck) rolling.
http://www.aaregistry.com/african_american_history/2366/Pro_hockey_and_African_heritage_a_story

So come on down and we'll judge the content of your character at:

Hockey Night in China Town

Fontanas
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - Feb 20, '07
from 7:00pm to 12 midnight.

This week:
New York Rangers at New Jersey Devils (for the 57th time this season.)
Philadelphia Flyers at Buffalo Sabres

Ray Emery, Goalie for the Senators, was so excited about Black Hockey History Month that he took 3 games off.
http://www.nhl.com/nhl/app?articleid=288924&page=NewsPage&service=page

At least we're nicer to black people than NASCAR.
(That's setting the bar high, right?)
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A9277-2004Jul23.html

We challenge you to find a Hockey Night anywhere that plays more Funkadelic and Pharcyde.
Hockey, by any means necessary.

Scotty, we love you.

Rangers at Devils - 7pm Tues, 6 Feb '07

2007-02-05T14:05:00.000-08:00

It is not well known the arduous path the Bobble Artisan must endure before he reaches the rank of "Master."
Many years of head gluing, spring tweaking and dancing in pretty dresses lead to the day when he is considered ready to render the majestic fury of a Jagr or the steely concentration of a Brodeur in finest blow-injected plastic.

Similarly, we at Hockey Night in Chinatown continually strive for improvement of ourselves and our loyal patrons.
Dave, for instance, wanders the internet doing good deeds and occasionally having a little sex.
http://greedoneverfired.blogspot.com/

Whilst the good Reverend can often be found lurking around the Bobble-head factory, waiting for the apprentices to dance in pretty dresses.
http://www.toylounge.com/footjesbobhe.html

So throw on something pretty and come on down to:

Hockey Night in Chinatown
Fontanas
105 Eldridge St.
(btw: Broome Street and Grand Street)
Tuesday - Feb 6, '07
from 7:30pm to 12 midnight.

This week it's the New York Rangers at the New Jersey Devils.

Oh, and just for good measure, here's Patrick Roy beating up Chris Osgood.
When will the goalie on goalie violence end?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kl2xMXXOw4M

HBD Chrissy

Scotty, we love you.